Are your children ever violent to each other? How to deal??

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amother

Bronze

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:00 pm

My 9 and 11 year old son have been fighting a lot, and sometimes they can really be violent with each other.
Today what started off as one not wanting to share a book with the other, ended with them hitting each other with belts, and really hurting each other.

In your opinion what am I to do? How much do I intervene?

crust

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:05 pm

Can you take away the belts without uttering a word?
If they hurt each other, I would seperate them. Calmly hold one of them.
Hatzlucha it's normal. Your children are normal.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:19 pm

My boys are 5 and 8 and they are violent (biting, scratching hard enough to draw blood, punching with actual fists) and I'm currently in a state of helpless self-hatred and perpetually frazzled nerves that is unhelpful to any of us, but I'm being honest about how I "deal".

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:27 pm

crust wrote:

Can you take away the belts without uttering a word?
If they hurt each other, I would seperate them. Calmly hold one of them.
Hatzlucha it's normal. Your children are normal.

They are both physically big, and separating them when they are angry is quite the task.
I try begging them to stop and holding them back, but it doesn't always work. Then when they do end up getting hurt more than they were ready for, they kind of ask me why I didn't stop the other one at that point.
I told them, that I'm not here to be available, for when they feel the fight has crossed a line, and only then should I wait to intervene. If they will not listen me to in the beginning, then it's out of my hands....

I'm wondering if I am right or not.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:32 pm

I don't allow physical fighting in my home. This started from when my kids were quite young. From the first hit, you went straight to time-out for the number of years of your age. It's something I've been very consistent with, and BTW I hold myself to the same standard. Zero tolerance.

I think you should send them to separate rooms for a time-out, or cool-down, or taking space, or whatever, the minute they get physical. No escalating allowed, if you hit your sibling ONCE you need to take space until you are back in control.

Let them know in advance that this is your policy, so that they are prepared to listen to you should the need arise. Make sure you follow thru.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:55 pm

When my boys close in age went through the stage of being violent with each other I used to allow and sort of encourage friendly fighting. The rule was no actual hurting allowed. They would wrestle and roll around and punch gently. They would give each other tips on how to block and punch etc.
Obviously they have to be in a good mood when they start. This taught them how to fight without hurting each other. If anyone complained they got hurt the fight was over. Because they liked the fighting they learned how to not hurt each other and also not to complain about a minor hit. I also said no hitting the face.
I noticed a huge improvement. They would still fight. Because they are boys who like to fight. But without hurting.

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:57 pm

.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Jan 04 2022, 11:07 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Smokey

Tue, Jun 13 2017, 3:38 am

Read "sibilants without rivalry" by farber and mazlish
They have techniques for this exact scenario

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