what to do when teenage son secretly communicating with girl

myheartalk

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 12:08 am

As long as you are paying the internet bill you have the right to block users or eliminate access altogether. Recently cell phones companies have given parents the option of controlling the hours cell phones and text messages are available to kids allowing the blocking of selected times such as school hours, after hours or only allowing calling home or other pre programmed numbers. This is legal since they are paying the bill. I think ATT is the first to offer this.

I liked the idea of taking this out of the realm of secret or fantasy and placing it into the more real "are you ready for a real shidduch?" with the usual involvement of parents, and appropriate meeting place such as one of the parents home in the livingroom.

If you want a waiting period then say specifically that in 3 or 6 months if they are serious about persuing this as a marriage option they can meet to discuss the interest, possibility, terms.

Just to chat/ flirt/ flatter or idolize another person with impunity following emotion rather than investigating if this is a good match based on values and goals is not so good even if you do plan on getting married.

amother

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 12:08 am

My family is quite yeshivish. Ds met his wife at about 15 or 16.They had friends who were brothers & sisters so they met at e/o houses. He was away at yeshiva & mostly spoke by phone. How often & much could that have been with only pay phones to use? Well except for a few cell that were snuck in.Bein hazmanim was a diff story. My dh was ready to ship him off further away. I really liked her & realized B"H, that she may be my dil & it will not be good to alienate them. I sat them both down & told them how we feel about the relationship & it's not a reflection of either of them. I also told both that one or the other could get seriously hurt. Well she went to sem & he to yeshiva... We now have beautiful grand children from them. Theyare very happy, B"H. I still am glad that I was upfront with them.It also helped dh create a relationship when they did get engaged. We were always very clear that it wasn't her, but that thye were both too young.

faigie

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 12:42 am

to the new amother,
for sure that couldnt have been an easy situation, but I can assure you, that there are so many ladies who would have loved to be in your position. ( bah) I see sooo many ladies who daven and cry because they cant find the right shidduch for their ds or dd.
kids aint easy.

amother

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 2:38 am

faigie, how right you are!! we have a hard time being happy & tend to look at others to base what we think we want. I do feel very blessed that all turned out well. Dh came around & we all get along. That is not to say for one minute that I want the next ds or dd to do the same. This couple will tell you that it was difficult for them. They were careful in their behavior which wasn't easy. dil parents didn't want them to marry until they had the$, but were also happy with the shidduch. We felt that this wasn't a fair situation for them. They struggled plenty financialy as neither set of parents could help much. But what is bashert is bashert! B"H

greentiger

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 4:00 am

I think one of the most important things to point out here, and it looks like noone mentioned it, is that you need to make sure to keep the lines of comunication open between the two of you.
It's important for you to know what is going on in your son's life, whether you approve of it or not. He's a teenager, and he's bound to make mistakes, but he's an adult and still has the right to make his own choices, and the fact is that he WILL. As a parent, you may naturally wish to protect your child from all harm, but there is a certain point where you can only step back and watch them make their own mistakes, while all you can do is pray and keep on showing them you love them and respect them for who they are. The most important thing is for him to trust your advice and not be doing things behind your back, and while it may not provide as imediate results as blocking the internet would, you're much better off long term...

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 5:20 am

Ask him if he's and she are ready to get married, and if yes, then they are welcome to date "normally" (like they do in your community).
If they are not ready, then tell him he's indeed in risk of getting a non serious reputation.
If they are only friends (and yes, it exists!), then deal with the situation according to his personality and what is done in your community.

greenfire

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 10:52 am

you could cut off the internet and the phone and they will still find a way to contact each other ... at least you know who this is and not in denial that it's happening ... certainly best that he is open about the situation ...

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 11:26 am

My grandma was also forbidden to see the guy she liked, because she was 17. He stuck around for 4 years before being allowed to marry her. Now they've been married for soon 55 years and they're great grand parents LOL

amother

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 7:13 pm

Our 14 year old daughter had been acting mopey and finally admitted she had a problem but did not want to discuss it. DH then caught her on the phone with the son of friends, who had become her boyfriend. Since they were so young, both sets of parents forbade further contact, explaining to the children that it was inappropriate at their age. We also told our daughter that we understood that she wanted this relationship and she wasn't a bad girl, but we did not appreciate her sneaking around. We told her that we will be happy to help her date kosher with shidduchim even at 17 if she feels ready. The boy's parents told him that if he really likes our daughter, he would not want to hurt her with this relationship. They no longer have contact. Our daughter obviously wanted to get out of this relationship but needed help. They kissed but that's all. I'm sorry for her that even this happened. I'm glad we could all be honest and unblaming, while sticking to our beliefs that this could not continue.

TammyTammy

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 7:44 pm

At 18 years old, the boy is pretty much old enough to make some decisions on his own. You cannot run his life for him and just forbid him from seeing her. There comes a time in a kid's life when your role as a parent changes from that of authoritarian to that of guidance counselor, mentor and adviser.

Here's where you reap the reward from your years of parenting. If you and your son have a good, open relationship where he can feel free to discuss anything with you and your DH, you're going to have a far easier go of this. You may not be able to forbid him from seeing her, but you can be there to advise him and steer him in the right direction. I know that if it were my kid, I'd rather know what they are doing than have them try to sneak around behind my back.

Tammy

shoshb

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 7:50 pm

This is such a tricky one.
On the one hand it's tempting just to forbid it.
But, on the other hand, with a child at that age, forbidding it could just lead to sneaking around and lying and all the things you're worried about in the first place.
I would suggest the following:
Come to an agreement with the parents of the girl, and present it to your son as a fait accompli. We know you've done this, we've discussed it with Mr and Mrs XYZ, and this is how we'll proceed.
I wonder if the solution might be to allow them limited contact under some sort of supervision. For example, you can invite her over to dinner every month. That removes the need for them to lie and sneak, but still gives you the possibility to make sure nothing terrible happens.

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 8:56 pm

amother wrote:

They kissed but that's all.

If that's what she admitted to you - certainly you didn't expect her to admit the whole truth.

some girls trust their mother

amother

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 9:03 pm

Ruchel wrote:

amother wrote:

They kissed but that's all.

If that's what she admitted to you - certainly you didn't expect her to admit the whole truth.

some girls trust their mother

tell me about it - they only make the mother think that so they let up

Clarissa

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 9:12 pm

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

amother wrote:

They kissed but that's all.

If that's what she admitted to you - certainly you didn't expect her to admit the whole truth.

some girls trust their mother

tell me about it - they only make the mother think that so they let up

I've always been completely honest with my parents.

amother

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 9:15 pm

Clarissa wrote:

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

amother wrote:

They kissed but that's all.

If that's what she admitted to you - certainly you didn't expect her to admit the whole truth.

some girls trust their mother

tell me about it - they only make the mother think that so they let up

I've always been completely honest with my parents.

well not everybody is

Clarissa

Mon, Oct 01 2007, 9:33 pm

So? Not everybody is honest. But if you mean to imply that the woman who posted above about her daughter should not have trusted her, that is unfair. She knows her daughter, we do not. Before you call people liars here, remember that on an anonymous board we can only go by eachother's account of things. Believe me, plenty of times when people claim their husbands don't do this or that or even think this or that, I wonder whether this can be true. But this woman's story of her daughter's history sounds like they have gotten through something together, and I see no reason to cast doubt upon her version.

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