How to bond/stay close with ds learning out of town??

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:12 am

Subject really says all. Ds learning out of town, b'h he calls quite often but I run out of things to ask/talk about and then feel horrible. He is trying to stay close and I feel like I don't know what is really going on in his life. Looking for suggestions for pointed questions to show that I care and to help him open up ( I think he would, just really not sure what to ask!) Also looking for tips to help us stay close when he is home. Any advice?

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:47 am

I was going to post his age originally and then I thought that really has nothing to do with it - and watch someone ask Smile

My answer is: age has nothing to do with the question. If you don't have suggestions, don't post anything.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:56 am

I am going to watch this thread closely.
my 17 year old son is going away next year.
He has always been quiet and shy and getting him open up has been hard.
How am I going to keep the connection over the phone like this?
I am nervous that I won't know if he ok...

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 3:04 am

I'm so sorry you are offended.

My first tip for you-,never tell your son any of his questions are stupid. It's hurtful. And you're right: That applies for absolutely any age.

BTW if this response seems a little strong, it is itself in response to this spinoff thread started by the op

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....94700

And the other thing is, you posted under "school aged children" rather than "teenagers". That was another reason I was thinking he may be younger. In fact I was thinking 9. Then I realized that was an assumption that was probably wrong.

Anyway I'm outta this thread.

salt

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 3:34 am

Do you know his schedule, like what classes he has each day. That way you could ask about specific classes, how was math today? Get to know his teachers names, kids names.
It's difficult over the phone I agree.
Some of my kids are fairly quiet - don't tell a ton of stuff about their day, but they're home, so when something comes up, or they think of something to say, they'll says it. When you're on a phone conversation, you have to think of all the things you wanted to say at that time, so it's less natural.
You could try email as well, or even traditional letter writing - it's fun to get letters in the mail. If he has other siblings they could write too - draw pictures. Even little packages, nosh or a magazine/book, new pens/ anything really.
I think the main thing is that he knows you're available if he ever wants to bring something up or ask you anything. And that you're thinking of him.
When he calls you could say "I was just thinking of you while I was having lunch, what did you eat today" or "I was thinking of you exactly at 11 when you had your test" - that way he'll know you're thinking of him throughout the day.

How often does he come home? Obviously always send him back with nice stuff. Make a fuss of him when he comes home.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 6:33 am

I have a lot to say about this. My son has been away from home since he was 12. (he is 15 now) But I might need to ask some questions and not really in the mood of being told I am asking stupid questions.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 6:42 am

amother wrote:

I was going to post his age originally and then I thought that really has nothing to do with it - and watch someone ask Smile

My answer is: age has nothing to do with the question. If you don't have suggestions, don't post anything.

Wow, you just cost yourself some potentially helpful posts...

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 7:10 am

I'll answer. My 13 (almost 14)yo DD is at school in America.

Skype and FaceBook have been wonderful for us. We can talk when we need to, but both of us have our privacy and boundaries, which we didn't have when she was living with me.

We can not talk for a few days, and then talk for 3 hours straight. It's wonderful.

Care packages and notes go a long way towards keeping the relationship going. Gifts can be practical, but throw in some sentimental things, too. Don't be afraid to embarrass him just a tiny bit with a "mushy" note - he'll secretly love it.

Do NOT tell him anything that could be an emotional burden. If you're sad about something, work it out for yourself. Only tell good news. He can't do anything about sad news, and it will just give him anxiety for no reason. Say things like "I really miss you, but I am SO happy that you like your teachers!"

Don't forget to daven for him every day. Your words bring him extra Heavenly protection and strength. You have no idea how powerful you can be as his advocate with Hashem.

All the above applies to any child, even adult children in college.

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 7:24 am

Thank you FranticFrummie and salt, your answers were really helpful (and only proved that I was correct in that the age of the child is not necessary to know)
I actually don't think that the answers would be very different for a 9 yo and 15 yo... why would they be? I'm still asking the same thing, although yes I see I posted in the wrong category - and apologize I am relatively new to imamother and constantly surprised at the responses I see

amother

Khaki

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 7:56 am

amother wrote:

I was going to post his age originally and then I thought that really has nothing to do with it - and watch someone ask Smile

My answer is: age has nothing to do with the question. If you don't have suggestions, don't post anything.

Or, if you don't like a post, just don't respond to it.

Fwiw, there's quite a relevant difference between 13 and 18, which are possible ages for a child to be away for h.s.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 10:09 am

Is he calling home because he needs it or he feels he has to? You don't have to have long, involved phone calls, and it's probably not good for him, either. In the past, because of the lack of communication options, it was probably normal to be on a schedule, which probably works for a lot of people. I won't say, put him on a schedule, he needs to be able to call just to hear you, but don't feel obliged to stay on for a long time.

And understand that if he calls less often, or for less time, that it's a bad thing and that you won't be bonding. If all else is good, it's a good thing, as it means he's busy, is figuring things out on his own, and is part of the natural separation. My son's in town and I can go for days barely seeing him if at all.

Of course, there's one more suggestion: send cookies.

ETA: Forgot to mention, love FF's post. FF really knows how to invest in a child, for the child's growth, without any ego.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Thu, Jun 15 2017, 10:15 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mint

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 10:15 am

I have a word doc- I write all that's happening at home- from the kitchen sink leak to tante Faigy's new couch.
After sharing all the news that's fit to print, I write, "what's happening in your world? I'm all ears"
This is a doc I share with all my children, and whoever is so inclined can add their share.
Obviously, we all have access to email.
My son is in a yeshiva where internet isn't ok, but I gave him a laptop so we can stay in touch.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:06 pm

No, everyone is trying to show OP the error of her ways. It's all done with love. You see, it's not nice for a person to throw an attempt to help back in the attempter's face, especially when the thrower asked for help in the first place. It's surprising that OP did that because she claims to be fairly new and most people when they're new try to act as nice as possible, even if it goes against their true nature. Otherwise people will avoid them right from the start. With some exceptions, the old bags wait a while before letting out their inner "cat", and here OP let her cattiness out early in the day. Once people start to recognize her style of writing, they'll avoid responding to any questions she posts, and she will have effectively cut off her nose to spite everyone else's face. the people on this thread are lovingly showing her by example why she should sheathe her claws.

amother

Mint

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:39 pm

If the two of you were close til now, the distance will likely not impact it. He will find a way to share the important stuff.
If you weren't that close to begin with, well then that's a whole other question. Him being far away won't help. Or maybe yes. Asking this or that sort of question wouldn't make me feel close to my parent, if we weren't close to begin with.
Imho closeness can't be faked, you either have it or you don't.
You can ask your child if he'd like to feel closer to you, and the two of you can brainstorm strategies.
As a mother who was close with my ds until he went off to yeshiva....I can say I definitely felt we lost much of the closeness because he was no longer coming home on a nightly basis.
I had some grieving to do.
And that's life.....

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 3:37 pm

Definitely send even small packages with anyone you know who will be visiting his area. He will feel your care whether he's 15 or 35. Postcards from home are good too.
I like the idea of jotting down all the "little " news. He wants to be in the loop.
Be sure to call him asap if there is any big news, birth, engagement, death... The worst is not knowing until it's old news. You feel so ignored and insignificant.

If he is the real quiet type, reading a page from one of those lesson-a-day books every evening gives you a connection. It can also be a springboard to learn more about him as you discuss it.