Do I punish dd for this behavior, if so, how?

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:10 pm

11 year dd has been extremely disrespectful to every person in the house. This morning, while at the bus stop she realized she forgot some papers at home, as well as her lunch (which when I asked her five minutes earlier if she wanted to take, she clearly told ne no!) She wanted to go home, the bus was there, and I told her she would miss it so she couldn't, I wasn't driving her. She wanted me to bring it, I told her no, because she spent the morning doing nonsense and went out to play with another girl despite me telling her 3 times to pack up. She then turned around in front of the other moms, looked at me and told me "you're disgusting", and got on the bus. I was so embarrassed, but I didn't say a word, and went home, with waiting to wave my usual goodbye as the bus pulled away. Do I punish her for her chutzpah? If so, how?

das

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:12 pm

What is your relationship with this child like? Is it out of chracter behavior? Was the things you were telling her (like no, I won't bring it to you) heard by the others at teh bus stop?

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:14 pm

The two of you sound more like adversaries than mother/daughter . Unless you consider this kind of relatability a regular and normal mother/daughter relationship.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
I hope you can find a caring therapist or mother who can help to re-focus you.

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:21 pm

If you put yourself in her shoes, how would it be for you (her) to hear the things YOU said to her in public?
She's no less a human being than you are, just because she's your daughter doesn't mean her soul can tolerate much of what she's hearing from you in those moments.
I have been in similar situations and it's helped when I could speak in a low non-threatening tone and eliminate all need to be punitive. Not an easy feat for anyone who's been conditioned to turn to punishment and control/dominance.
If you can find a way to attune to her you might figure out a way to deal with this whilst preserving your relationship.
Before long she will be old enough to walk away. Think if this is the ultimate outcome you wish for.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:22 pm

Op here. I'm a bit taken aback by the responses. If I told dd 3 times to pack up and she ignored me, and 5 minutes before I asked here what she wanted for lunch and she told me "nothing", how was I being unsympathetic by refusing to bring it to her???

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:24 pm

amother wrote:

11 year dd has been extremely disrespectful

Have any adults been less than respectful to her?
Kids generally feed back that which has been fed to them.
Adults too, at times.

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:27 pm

amother wrote:

As a mother I feel the burden is on me to figure out why my child is being non-cooperative. Perhaps your perspective is that a child must "obey" the parents. Perhaps not.

Your question re punishment had me responding as I did. It isn't in the maternal nature to turn to punitive measures, unless one has unresolved baggage related to one's childhood or marriage.
Just mho

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:27 pm

IMHO, it could be time for you to move away from the concept of punishments and doing something about healing the relationship you have with your DD. Teen years aren't easy and continual punishments aren't learning experiences for parents or kids.

How to talk so your teenager will listen, is a great book recommended by many Imas. Give it a try. See if there is a Parent Effectiveness Training class in your area. Your experiences with raising a teen are only going to get worse if you are dependent on threats and punishments.

ETA: And please learn how to dialog and not talk at your child. It's hard but you are the adult.

Last edited by MagentaYenta on Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

tichellady

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:28 pm

amother wrote:

Of course you have a right to be frustrated too, but you are the mother and she is the child. It sounds like she was probably distracted and not paying attention to you in the morning and the consequence of that is that she missed having a lunch. I don't think she needs another punishment. It sounds like you two need to work on your relationship and maybe have a better routine figured out for lunch, and morning prep. If you know she needs a lunch every day it might be better not to ask her if she needs a lunch but just pack it everyday ( or let Let her know that from now on she is in charge of packing her own lunch),

It's hard to be a 11 year old girl and it's hard to be a mother to a 11 year old girl. Remember that she will get older and not be this moody forever.

chicco

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:35 pm

I think you need to talk to her when you both calm down. You need to explain to her that her behavior has been inappropriate. The irresponsibility and the chutzpah. Explain to her that there are consequences to both and that she needs to take responsibility. Explain why she needs to take care of her stuff and if she doesn't, she will be stuck in a position like she was today. You also need to make it clear to her, not in a threatening way why being disrespectful will not be tolerated. It sounds like she is struggling with the concept of consequences. Help her understand that if she doesn't pack her lunch, she won't have it. If she won't be respectful, she won't have positive relationships. And then you need to warn her about how you will respond in the future.

I would go this route this time as opposed to outright punishment.

Ah the joys of parenting.

Good luck!

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:41 pm

chicco wrote:

OP here.
Thank you. This response was really helpful.

gp2.0

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:43 pm

Papers and lunch should be packed up the night before, not during the morning rush.

I'm hearing a lot of disrespect from you directed towards her, so it's no surprise she's responding in the same manner...she's learning it from you. (What was the "nonsense" she was busy with?)

Then again we all have our bad days sometimes. Was this a normal interaction for both of you or rare?

I wouldn't punish a child for this, rather I immediately would have responded "you can't talk to me like that."

But clearly there was a chain of events leading up to this point that could have been prevented.

What is your reasoning for not packing her any basic lunch you know she is ok with and taking it with you? Sounds like you were already punishing her, way before you got to the bus stop.

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:47 pm

amother wrote:

I want to come over and hug you.
You're writing that she's ignoring you. Wow. It seems to me you're taking her behaviors personally , in a way a child would take her mother's behavior. In my world, if I ask my mother for something and she's nonresponsive, I can say she's ignoring me, because I don't have a concept of mother's life revolving around a lot more than I.

As a mother, when my child is nonresponsive to my requests, I don't see it as "she's ignoring ME". Rather, I see it as, "the child is preoccupied with other matters". I totally don't take it personally. Can you see the difference?

Said with care, not criticism .

BadTichelDay

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:50 pm

@gp2.0, I don't get the impression the op was disrespectful towards her daughter. I mean, she's not obligated to bring her daughter the lunch after telling her before 3 timed to pack it, to me it seems ok to say "no". A mother isn't a personal servant of school age children.(babies and toddlers are a different case of course).

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:55 pm

Actually, I pack her fresh food in the morning, because she likes fresh scrambled eggs, or pasta, or baked potaoes which tastes better fresh, rather than refrigerated and I want her to have fresh food. She also has the option of eating school lunch.
As far as the " nonsense", it was coloring, playing, or doing nothing at all.

I must say that I am so taken aback by the toughness of some of these responses. I clearly was not expecting these responses..ouch.

amother

Blush

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:55 pm

amother wrote:

Op here. Which is why I titled this "do I punish". Because I wasn't sure.

The fact that you weren't sure had me wondering if perhaps punishment is a normal routine in your relationship. It was for my mother. Which is why I was so chutzpadig, and the more she punished me for my chutzpah the more I distanced from her...until I completely disengaged. A mother's task is to keep the flame of love alive. If she can't do so, its it's time for her to seek help. Punishment begets resentment, and as the resentments pile up, it's difficult to have what could have been had: a yummy mother-daughter relationship.
B"h I have that with my dd. I learned from my mother's mistakes.
You have my sympathies.

tichellady

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 3:06 pm

amother wrote:

We don't know you or your daughter or anything else about your parenting or home other than what you shared. It's hard to give advice without a full picture, we are all working with what you told us and what you asked. The fact that you asked about punishment seemed a bit weird to me, it seems like that's not going to help your daughter feel less angry towards you. I think at this age, there are better strategies. But you can disagree with me.