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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Do I punish dd for this behavior, if so, how?
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:46 pm
marina wrote:
OP- I'm TOTALLY with you.

My 11 year old decided she doesn't like the lunch I make so now she has to make her own lunch and if she doesn't make anything, she'll be hungry. If they forget lunch, I generally do not bring it to them, unless I'm in the area anyway.

And it's not acceptable to call your mom disgusting. I would- and do- give consequences for that. Sometimes I ask the child to come up with her own consequence, when she is calmer.


you ARE the meanest mom on imamother tho
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:48 pm
sequoia wrote:
you ARE the meanest mom on imamother tho


That's what I hear hahahahahaha LOL
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:48 pm
sequoia wrote:
you ARE the meanest mom on imamother tho


Is she your mom?🤔
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:49 pm
crust wrote:
Is she your mom?🤔


Rolling Laughter
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:52 pm
We had a situation just today when we went to buy bathing suits and my 13 year old couldn't find anything she liked so she demanded sandals instead and I said no and she had a meltdown.

I was super calm and spoke in a regular normal voice and told her that because she made my shopping experience unpleasant, I will give her a forty for her future bathing suit and sandal searches but will not be driving her anywhere for this particular shopping situation, she will need to walk or find a ride to buy these items on her own.

She was not happy, but that's a totally reasonable consequence.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 9:59 pm
sequoia wrote:
Rolling Laughter


If she would at least shave her beard!! How embarrassing to have a mother with a big beard.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 10:35 pm
marina wrote:


And it's not acceptable to call your mom or anyone disgusting even if you are angry. I would- and do- give consequences for that. Sometimes I ask the child to come up with her own consequence, when she is calmer.

It's not about you and her relationship with you. It's that even when we are upset, we don't call others disgusting. We control our anger and we are careful with our words.



It's not infrequently that I hear mothers saying these things to their own children: ''You're disgusting!!!''

These sorts of interactions do impact the quality of the relationship. At least that's been my experience.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 10:39 pm
Deleted
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 4:37 am
Yup I'd punish. I have no problem with that.
How exactly would depend on what her privileges are.
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sushilover




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 9:51 am
amother wrote:
Op here. I'm a bit taken aback by the responses. If I told dd 3 times to pack up and she ignored me, and 5 minutes before I asked here what she wanted for lunch and she told me "nothing", how was I being unsympathetic by refusing to bring it to her???


I agree with you, some of these responses are a bit harsh. Had I been at the bus stop, I would not have assumed that there was an issue with your relationship just because your daughter was rude. That's perfectly age appropriate, although there are many ways to address such behavior.
If this was the first time for such behavior, I would ignore it and plan a response for the next time something like this happens.

Here is Sarah Chana Radcliffe's relationship rule: "I only give and I only accept respectful communication" By teaching and enforcing this rule, you are giving your child a lifelong gift.
She gives 5 steps to follow and she says that this rule can be taught within 2 months (as long as you are not undermining it by communication disrespectfully yourself). I'd be happy to share the steps if you'd like.

Good luck!!
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myym




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 10:28 am
Sushi lover, can you please provide those 5 steps?
Im following this thread..
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farm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 10:47 am
Hang in there OP, there are plenty of supportive posts here yet!
(And I'm on your side as well. You went way above and beyond making her a nice lunch even though she wasn't mentchlach enough to answer when you asked what she wanted, gave her 3 reminders to pack up, etc. Unless there is way more to the story that you haven't shared (ADD or some other disorganized disorder in your daughter, extensive power struggle history between you, and so on), she was out of line. And while the consequences of lunch and schoolwork left at home will be natural ones, there isn't a natural consequence for chutzpah. Hence your post.)
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 11:05 am
If you've previously discussed that she wants healthier lunch and wants to lose weight (was that really her idea or yours?) then why the discussion? Why not just put the lunch in her backpack and zehu?

You can tell her speaking that way is unacceptable but without lunch and her homework is punishment enough for an 11 year old.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 11:06 am
sushilover wrote:
I agree with you, some of these responses are a bit harsh. Had I been at the bus stop, I would not have assumed that there was an issue with your relationship just because your daughter was rude. That's perfectly age appropriate, although there are many ways to address such behavior.
If this was the first time for such behavior, I would ignore it and plan a response for the next time something like this happens.

Here is Sarah Chana Radcliffe's relationship rule: "I only give and I only accept respectful communication" By teaching and enforcing this rule, you are giving your child a lifelong gift.
She gives 5 steps to follow and she says that this rule can be taught within 2 months (as long as you are not undermining it by communication disrespectfully yourself). I'd be happy to share the steps if you'd like.

Good luck!!


I was also quite surprised at the harsh responses. Everyone is harping on the lunch, when the real issue is how to deal with the fact that her daughter called her mom disgusting. It is never okay to talk like that. Furthermore, the mom did nothing wrong at all. It's not her responsibility to beg her daughter to take her lunch. The daughter got a natural consequence for her actions. It's odd how everyone is blaming the mom for the daughters actions.

Just from reading the responses I would have to guess that all those responders deserve the mother of the year award.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 11:07 am
amother wrote:
It's not infrequently that I hear mothers saying these things to their own children: ''You're disgusting!!!''

These sorts of interactions do impact the quality of the relationship. At least that's been my experience.


First of all, saying "you're disgusting" to your child is verbal abuse.

Second of all, what does that have to do with ops post? She did not call her child disgusting, her child called her disgusting!
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Ahuva




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 12:20 pm
So sorry that you are having a difficult time. 11 year old girls can be tough.
As a general rule the best consequence is a natural consequence. She wont have her papers and lunch so that is punishment enough.
Im still on the fence about telling her at a later time that her language was hurtful to you, because there's a good chance it was a call for negative attention, and doing so would be feeding into it.
I would probably just let it go and work on any negative attention issues there might be.

Hugs, and good luck!
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 12:25 pm
sushilover wrote:
I agree with you, some of these responses are a bit harsh. Had I been at the bus stop, I would not have assumed that there was an issue with your relationship just because your daughter was rude. That's perfectly age appropriate, although there are many ways to address such behavior.
If this was the first time for such behavior, I would ignore it and plan a response for the next time something like this happens.

Here is Sarah Chana Radcliffe's relationship rule: "I only give and I only accept respectful communication" By teaching and enforcing this rule, you are giving your child a lifelong gift.
She gives 5 steps to follow and she says that this rule can be taught within 2 months (as long as you are not undermining it by communication disrespectfully yourself). I'd be happy to share the steps if you'd like.

Good luck!!


Yes, please provide the 5 steps!
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 12:36 pm
amother wrote:
If you've previously discussed that she wants healthier lunch and wants to lose weight (was that really her idea or yours?) then why the discussion? Why not just put the lunch in her backpack and zehu?

You can tell her speaking that way is unacceptable but without lunch and her homework is punishment enough for an 11 year old.


Op here. It was her idea, not mine. She is overweight, and she chose to lose weight. I did not encourage or force or insist.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 12:38 pm
sushilover wrote:
I agree with you, some of these responses are a bit harsh. Had I been at the bus stop, I would not have assumed that there was an issue with your relationship just because your daughter was rude. That's perfectly age appropriate, although there are many ways to address such behavior.
If this was the first time for such behavior, I would ignore it and plan a response for the next time something like this happens.

Here is Sarah Chana Radcliffe's relationship rule: "I only give and I only accept respectful communication" By teaching and enforcing this rule, you are giving your child a lifelong gift.
She gives 5 steps to follow and she says that this rule can be taught within 2 months (as long as you are not undermining it by communication disrespectfully yourself). I'd be happy to share the steps if you'd like.

Good luck!!


Op here. I would love to know the steps! Ty!
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 16 2017, 12:51 pm
amother wrote:
OP, I'm also surprised by the harsh responses here! I don't thing I have any great advice, but I think a lot of the posts here are over the top, taking all responsibility off the child.


I agree. This is probably why so many kids are brats today.

If my 11 year old forgot their papers and lunch after I told them 3 times they would have to deal with the consequences. She's not gonna starve missing one day of lunch. Besides she can eat school lunch. Nor would I drive them to school. That enabling behavior.

As far as calling a parent disgusting. Well I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that. I don't call people that and I expect my children not to either. If my child called me such a thing I probably wouldn't punish them but I would let them know I will not do extra things for them like rides to friends or packing fresh food etc. until I get an apology. Why should I go out of my way for a child who insults me?

Yes parents are people too. We don't deserve to be treated like trash just because our kids are moody. That doesn't mean punishments and grounding but at minimum not doing extra for a child who is so rude.

I am really shocked that people are putting this on the OP. Maybe I missed it but where was she so horribly mean to her daughter?
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