Does the benefit of the kids justify breaking family values

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Powderblue

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 5:46 am

I'm talking about going to the country.

Friends and family are trying to persuade me to leave my husband 4 nights, 5 days a week for about 9 weeks in a row, so that my city children can roam free and breathe fresh air.

I value my childrens needs and I value (strongly) my husbands needs. I've got my own needs, ya know.

Can I justify leaving my husband for more than a half week?

Please help me.

notshanarishona

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 5:56 am

If you don't want too, don't ..
I never understood the culture of going to the mountains the whole summer. It seems pretty terrible for shalom bayis and there are plenty of day camps in the city. Or you can go to the mountains for a week.

smile12345

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 6:07 am

Does it have to be all or nothing?
Perhaps do it for a couple of weeks - that way your kids get a little change of scenery and you don't end up being away from your dh too much either.

Simple1

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 6:31 am

Everyone has to decide what's best for their family. Some people feel they need the break from the city even if with the disadvantages. If your family is happy as is, other people shouldn't be telling you what to do.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 6:40 am

What does your husband think? If he will be miserable, then don't go. If he's fine with it, then definitely go. It happens to be amazing for the kids! And for the moms as well.

There's definitely an anti country mentality on here, but I went to the country my whole childhood and my kids have as well. It never bothered me to be away from my father. It's only 3 or 4 days. It can even be two days If he leaves Monday morn and comes back thurs evening. It was never bad for my moms shalom Bayis, or mine.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 6:54 am

amother wrote:

What about your sanity? Do the kids have good day camps? Or, if you're running Camp Mommy are you able to get what you need to run things smoothly, e.g. cleaning help or extra cleaning help, babysitting so you can get out sometime? If yes, then yeah, I vote to stay in the city. If the whole family is there and it'll be nice for the kids to get together, then go for a week or so, or maybe do a family long weekend. But if you can stay in the city and keep your family intact go for it!

Ruchel

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 7:28 am

Some communities had something like this for very long... in italy for centuries those who could sent the wife and kids out of town to escape the heat etc. But for us it wouldn't be an option. I have no interest in being apart, or running it all alone, and if I had to anyway my last choice would be a community of other wives and kids and not much else around. I'd go to a hotel where I don't cook and clean and with a kid club.

In summer we go together as a family, in the bungalows, or in hotel, or inapartment.

Zehava

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 8:40 am

Me and my kids love it and I don't find it to be a problem in shalom bayis.
But it's a personal decision and not one you should be pressured into.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 8:56 am

Personally, I feel your dramatizing the issue by considering going to the country a violation of "family values". Please. Let's not get dramatic here. It is a personal preference and that's all. Perhaps it would be a sacrifice for you to go for the sake of your kids but its not a "family values" issue. Either way, as others have stated, the obvious answer is to do what's best for your family as a whole. It seems like you really don't want to go and are trying to justify it by making it sound like there's a moral issue here. There isn't. If you feel it's to much for you and you will be overwhelmed than simply don't go.

imasinger

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 10:29 am

I agree with Chocolate. (I always agree with chocolate.)

Family values should include choices where each member of the family feels valued.

What those choices are depends on the family.

amother

Navy

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:11 pm

Family values my foot. It may not be best thing for husband as far as marital. That's also a family value to think of. Not just family values of kids. Nowadays kids have excelent day camps. Someone I know ran to another country to her parents about 5 weeks in the summer. He did whatever he wanted then (lets say/hope didnt fool round the last step of it) He definitely hung around watching videos with males and females at other peoples basements. When she heard years into this and she stopped going. My goishe workmates see the heimishe men flert much more july and august :-( of course because wife away a whole week. If you feel your husband and wife values are very important and decide to stay again do not feel guilty. Pay for day camp plus extra tiny home activities after daycamp if you wanna really make them some smashing good family value. Maybe a weekend or 2 out. If his business allows its quite beneficial to go out a minimim of 5 days per summer vacation season. And if you can do twice 5 says it's already wow. Or once like 10 days its also wow. If there is no way you can all travel in the summer like it happened to me in the past, you can go to countryside sucos all together. Later on when applicable kids can go to sleepaway camp for half summer and a year or 2 later a whole summer. Family values my foot.

cnc

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:13 pm

amother wrote:

Family values my foot. It may not be best thing for husband as far as marital. That's also a family value to think of. Not just family values of kids. Nowadays kids have excelent day camps. Someone I know ran to another country to her parents about 5 weeks in the summer. He did whatever he wanted then (lets say/hope didnt fool round the last step of it) He definitely hung around watching videos with males and females at other peoples basements. When she heard years into this and she stopped going. My goishe workmates see the heimishe men flert much more july and august :-( of course because wife away a whole week. If you feel your husband and wife values are very important and decide to stay again do not feel guilty. Pay for day camp plus extra tiny home activities after daycamp if you wanna really make them some smashing good family value. Maybe a weekend or 2 out. If his business allows its quite impotant to go out a minimim of 5 days per 2 months. And if you can do twice 5 says or once like 10days its great. If there is no way you can all travel in the summer like it happened to me in the past, you can go to countryside sucos all together. Later on when available kids can go to sleepaway camp for half summer and a year or 2 later a whole summer. Family values my foot.

Apparently you misunderstood her title.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:14 pm

cnc wrote:

Apparently you misunderstood her title.

Lol. Was about to post the same thing.

amother

Navy

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:19 pm

What precisely did I misunderstand

Zehava

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:27 pm

Yep the yearly fear mongering of husbands gasp* watching movies when their wives are in the country.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:34 pm

Zehava wrote:

Yep the yearly fear mongering of husbands gasp* watching movies when their wives are in the country.

Makes me nauseous.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 12:36 pm

amother wrote:

What precisely did I misunderstand

She was saying that going to the country would be against family values. She was wrong and so are you.

The healthiest family value is when the family works together to make sure everyone is heard and valued.

amother

Navy

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 1:14 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Makes me nauseous.

That person is a very open minded perosn and had TV herself many years. Still she did not enjoy what she heard about her husband andbshe changed summer plans from then on.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

That person is a very open minded perosn and had TV herself many years. Still she did not enjoy what she heard about her husband andbshe changed summer plans from then on.

I don't see how changing the summer plans helps. If your husband is an a*s*s he's an a*s*s.

Maya

Sun, Jun 18 2017, 2:15 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don't see how changing the summer plans helps. If your husband is an a*s*s he's an a*s*s.

Maybe, but it's not a myth that some men do things while their wives are away that they otherwise wouldn't.

We can go into a debate about what kind of lives those men live and the restrictions they face and what causes them to act out at certain times and what can be changed, etc. But denying that many men in a certain culture behave differently during the summer is to be ignorant of that culture and its lifestyle.

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