Is there hope with this neighbor?Any advice?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:23 pm

DH and I are not the MOST social people, though we are certainly not hermits. We moved to our house on a fairly jewish block earlier this year and my kids and I are outside frequently. There's a house w/frum family--but I don't know their name-- like 2-3 houses away, that always seems to have kids--mostly boys about my kids ages, running in and out, I see 2-3 strollers parked over there most Shabbosim. They have lots of toys outside their house, and my kids want to be able to play there. I've seen the mother standing outside talking, to other women, they seem to be similar age and station to myself, but they make no acknowledgement of me or my kids. My kids are friendly but a little shy. So far one Shabbos recently my 2 year-old fell in love with one of their riding toys, and being that they have no fence on their property I was having a hard time keeping her off their stuff. In short, we kind of got shoo-ed away. I feel kind of awkward that while most of the block--a lot of families with grandchildren already--welcomed us warmly to the block, this family seems to just ignore us. and I don't know why. I tried asking her if her kids go my kids' school and she just said "no" and walked back to her house. Their house seems so "open" but why are we getting the cold-shoulder?

debsey

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:26 pm

Only way to find out is to ask - that actual neighbor, not other people. It may be inadvertent. If you get an upsetting answer ("you're not frum enough,"; "We're mad that you bought your house because my sister bid on it"; "we have too many friends already") or some other nonsense, at least you'll know where you stand.

And I find kids are the best icebreakers in these situations........

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:57 pm

debsey wrote:

I'm kind of "shy" myself so looking for ways to break the ice myself. So far my kids have tried to approach the kids--of which there are so many I don't know who actually lives in that house--and also kind of got snubbed, so they are too shy to go over to them.

We're renting a house that was on-the-market for months before we came along, so no one can be too jealous.

groovy1224

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 3:44 pm

I would just bring over some cookies (at night, when there's no one else around to distract her) and say something like "I realized we've been neighbors for x number of months and I've never properly introduced myself! From there, go on to compliment her on something (I noticed that your daughter rides a bike so well! How did she learn to do that?). People usually eat that up. And see how it goes. If she's rude to you then, I would think something is up.

Also, does she allow other children to play with her outdoor toys? Maybe she's just protective of her things? Goodness knows we've had enough threads on here from people feeling used because neighbor's kids use their outdoor toys too much.

watergirl

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 4:01 pm

I'm sorry, I really can relate to some of your post because I am a renter myself and I always find that the neighbors are less likely to warm up when they know that somebody is renting. But I have to comment, from your posts, and I read it a few times, I wonder if you're interested in being friends with the neighbor, or if you're interested in playing with the toys. You've mentioned in your post a few different times that your children want to play with the toys, I wonder if your neighbor senses that that's what you're interested in and it's a turn off for her?

Lizzie4

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 4:12 pm

Just as an aside, people can be super spacey.
Someone once called my mother (!) and complained that her married daughter saw me and I completely ignored her. I would never intentionally ignore someone so I was quite surprised.
Maybe she was preoccupied and had to run and didn't realize to tell you. Maybe just try to catch her at a better time.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 4:30 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

I'd do it a little differently.

It sounds like OP's kids want to integrate with the neighbor kids, but don't know how. I'd invite a couple of their kids over to play one afternoon. "Hi. I don't think we've really met yet. I'm NEWBIE. I just moved in. I couldn't help but notice that our boys are about the same age. I'd love to have them over Shabbat afternoon, after lunch. Are they available?"

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 11:47 am

watergirl wrote:

OP here, I mean I would love for more than that--they seem like the "it" place to be--lately they have a kiddie swimming pool set-up out front and I would love it if my kids could have some friends close to their age on the block.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:02 pm

amother wrote:

My kids are friendly but a little shy. So far one Shabbos recently my 2 year-old fell in love with one of their riding toys, and being that they have no fence on their property I was having a hard time keeping her off their stuff. In short, we kind of got shoo-ed away. I feel kind of awkward that while most of the block--a lot of families with grandchildren already--welcomed us warmly to the block, this family seems to just ignore us. and I don't know why. I tried asking her if her kids go my kids' school and she just said "no" and walked back to her house. Their house seems so "open" but why are we getting the cold-shoulder?

I just want to say that there is a new family on my block that unfortunately moved in to an area undergoing massive changes.

One of the original homeowners on the block specifically moved to the outskirts of town because she wanted privacy, wanted to be close to other Yidden, but not surrounded. Her family values privacy tremendously...

And then. And then a HUGE bomba went up next door to her house, overlooking her entire property. The windows look directly into her home, which she cannot tolerate. So she closes her blinds during the day as well as night. And the builders knocked down the fence between the properties and never put it back up, so now, the apartment on the side opens directly into her backyard.

Of course, the renter's kids think that the backyard is their front lawn...

For her, this is an intrusion of the worst sort.

While she is the warmest, most loving neighbor in the world -- I could never find a better! -- she needs her space, her privacy. She doesn't have it. She feels stepped on, and she admitted to me that she is having a hard time being nice to the new neighbors because she feels so violated...

Perhaps, your children's taking possession of their toys causes this woman to feel the same?

watergirl

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:48 pm

amother wrote:

It still really seems like you are interested in her toys first, and in being her friend second. Now you bring up the pool... maybe if you get some really great toys, you would attract her kids to your house? And then they could build a friendship that way.

tichellady

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 2:20 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I think this is good advice