She wanted to know why abuse is so bad

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:34 pm

A while back, there was a parent's information evening in my community about teaching our kids boundaries and making sure they understand personal safety.

I went with a bunch of neighbors, and two of us drove there and back together.

On the way home, we were discussing what we'd learned, and I was saying how important it is to have evenings like this to raise awareness in the community, and how devastating s-xual abuse can be for a whole lifetime.

To my surprise, my friend asked why? She wanted to know why molestation is so devastating. Honestly, to me it was just intuitive. It is something that I figured that every adult just "gets". I mean, I told her that I know the suicide rate is so high among those who have been molested as children, but that didn't really answer her question. I can't really put the psychology behind the feeling into words, it's just something I figured a parent just knows is horrible their gut.

Can anyone help me articulate?

Anon, cuz if she's here I don't want to be outed.

amother

Peach

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 10:53 pm

Just like any form of abuse, it begins with an imbalance of power that violates the victim's sense of safety and personal autonomy. With s-xual abuse, there is a deeper violation that creates a feeling of being damaged, dirty, and impure. It distorts the beauty of s-xuality and turns it into a traumatic experience that leaves deep shame around the subject, hatred of the body, and even confusion around emotional intimacy.

This is only the tip of the iceberg...

MagentaYenta

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 11:34 pm

amother wrote:

Peach I really like your posts. Please come out of the closet.

yksraya

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:05 am

amother wrote:

Maybe, just maybe, she was abused as a child and has found a way to move forward on her own, so she just doesn't get why others have to make a big deal of it. I would tread very gently here.

Had she been abused as a child, she would not ask that question. "Survivors" of abuse (any form of abuse) understand and live with the trauma and pain it has caused, but unlike "victims" they choose to go on with life and deal with it and come out stronger. they don't deny the abuse.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 1:02 am

yksraya wrote:

Fair enough. I know someone who was abused and whose attitude is, that's not really abuse, what's the big deal. Is this person still a victim? Possibly. But it means others could have the same thought process.

tichellady

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 1:11 am

I don't think it's such an odd question. It's surprising to me that before kids can know about s-xuality they can feel shame and a sense that they are being wronged.
I found the book "hush" to really help me understand the experience of a sheltered child being abused. I also had an experience in adulthood (pales in comparison to real abuse or rape) where I realized that an adult I trusted and thought liked me and believed in me as a person really liked me in a more zxual way and I began to question our relationship and encounters and second guess myself ( were the things he said to me even true, was I just this naive girl, could I trust any men etc) and my confidence really sunk. I can't even imagine that process if it had actually been abuse or I had been younger and at a more vulnerable and formative age.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 3:25 am

amother wrote:

I have a friend who was abused and had the same attitude. It was "nothing". It is most definitely a coping mechanism. If she were to admit it was devastating and had far-reaching consequences to her life, which it did, she would be emotionally paralyzed.

amother

Black

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 4:42 am

amother wrote:

Not necessarily. It depends on the level of abuse. I was molested as a kid and it hasn't effected me in any way b'h. I know others like me too. Obviously, we weren't threatened or horribly abused, just molested occasionally. It was uncomfortable, but nothing more.

I'm the first to acknowledge that abuse/molestation can have terrible long term consequences and I'm surprised that that woman mentioned in the OP doesn't get it. I 100% agree that it's cruel, sadistic, name it what you way, but I also acknowledge that the outcome doesn't have to be life-changing. I don't know your friend; perhaps she was affected negatively but I find that today, it's almost a given that if you were molested you need to act out and become affected, otherwise you couldn't have been abused. And that's a false notion.

Understandably, it's not a chance one can ever take, and every effort must be made to protect our children, but to say that every single person suffers crippling consequences is wrong.

crust

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

It hasn't affected you in any way? That's wonderful!
You say you;
▪Love intimacy.
▪Love your body. Every part if it.
▪Are aware of and at peace with all your emotions.
▪Are never being triggered on any level; emotionally physically or mentally.
▪Are able to be affectionate towards your children.
▪Have grown children and are able to love them in a healthy way.
▪Are able to be pregnant and deliver babies without being retraumatized.
▪Were able to speak to your abuser directly about this.
▪Are able to stand clear of your abuser in a healthy way so he doesnt abuse your children.
▪Are able to break the cycle of abuse successfully without passing it on.
▪Are grounded and stable.

Yay! I'm happy for you.

tichellady

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 12:44 pm

crust wrote:

I think many women who were never abused would struggle with some points on this list. Some of these are life long goals!

onlyone

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 1:18 pm

[quote="amother"]Not necessarily. It depends on the level of abuse. I was molested as a kid and it hasn't effected me in any way b'h. I know others like me too. Obviously, we weren't threatened or horribly abused, just molested occasionally. It was uncomfortable, but nothing more.

I'm the first to acknowledge that abuse/molestation can have terrible long term consequences and I'm surprised that that woman mentioned in the OP doesn't get it. I 100% agree that it's cruel, sadistic, name it what you way, but I also acknowledge that the outcome doesn't [I]have [/I]to be life-changing. I don't know your friend; perhaps she [I]was [/I]affected negatively but I find that today, it's almost a given that if you were molested you need to act out and become affected, otherwise you couldn't have been abused. And that's a false notion.

Understandably, it's not a chance one can ever take, and every effort must be made to protect our children, but to say that every single person suffers crippling consequences is wrong.[/quote]

I find that hard to believe. I dont at all think you are lying, I just think its a defense mechanism for you, or it hasnt started to effect you in any way YET. yes, it depends on the severity of the abuse, but still, I think you are effected and dont realize it yet.

youngishbear

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 1:22 pm

Okay I was peach amother. I myself was never molested BH so I did not feel like it was my place to explain, but I had to try.

I have come across the attitude before, and not always is it malicious or a defense mechanism. Sometimes it's naivete, or the attitude of someone for whom physical intimacy is not a big deal.

It's absolutely possible to emerge unscathed, just as it's possible to incur life-long scars from milder forms of sexualization that don't cross into abuse. Besides the duration, intensity, and frequency of the abuse, Individual personality traits, support system, lack of retraumatization (like through incompetent help, adult denial or disbelief) and resilience levels all contribute towards the outcome.

Just as the abuse is never the victim's fault, their reactions are not in their control. Everyone can work on recovery, but it's not anyone's place to determine how others ought to feel or cope.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 3:03 pm

yksraya wrote:

This way of thinking is so so incorrect.....

I was abused as a child and for many years the way I dealt with it was by having the neighbors attitude. It was my defense mechanism - if what happened "wasn't a big deal" then I didn't have to feel all the painful feeling the the abuse caused.