She wanted to know why abuse is so bad

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:14 am

amother wrote:

I have a friend whose uncle played footsie with her under the table and held her hand when she was 12. For a few weeks then he was caught.

It's over 20 years later and so much of her life revolves around being molested. Her parents don't speak to most of their siblings because of this. She is contsatnly going to therapy and blaming all her issues (control freak, drama queen) on being molested. She says she's blocked out almost her entire childhood from memory cuz of this.

Assuming that it's true that this is all that happened, and it happened a few times, I sometimes do think like that neighbor.

Yes it was a gross violation but her parents immediately stopped it and went to the authorities so she had very supportive patents. Which is way more than I ever had even though I was never molested. So I wonder this too.

Are you sure that she had very supportive parents?
Are you sure that her parents are healthy?
Are you sure nothing else ever happened to her, and she is not using this as the cover story?
Are you sure nothing ever happened to her in school?

The fact that her parents don't speak to their siblings alone tells me that they might not be healthy people themselves. How can really they be supportive then? What about what happens behind closed doors?

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:36 am

The reason molestation is so traumatic to children is because (usually) a person they know, like, and trust, deeply hurt them physically, emotionally, and psychologically, and they felt there was nothing they could do about it. They may feel they deserved it because there is something inherently bad about them. They may hide the secret for years, thinking it was their fault and they encouraged the abuser to do this to them. They likely were threatened and blackmailed into keeping their mouth shut. Most abuse is not reported for 5 years or more, and many wait decades to speak up. Equally as detrimental are parents who do not believe the abuse after it is disclosed. Now, not only has the child's trust been shattered, but their last hope--their own parents will not protect them. This destroys their sense of security and self esteem. It teaches them that the world is evil and that evil will go unpunished. It teaches them that they are helpless and destined to be used again and again. More confusing--a child might like some of the feelings happened while being molested, especially if they are past puberty. This makes them identify with the abuser, crave to abuse others (because that's all they know about s-xuality), and then get further messed up when they get labeled a bad/strange kid for hurting others. Often, if a rabbi or parent is the molester, the child generalizes that all Jewish people, or all religious people are untrustworthy, lairs. This creates the religious problems. And they may generalize further, thinking "if G-d let this happen, and Jews are not helping, G-d must be evil." This further estranges them and causes additional angst. Almost all victims of abuse have trouble with social relationships and healthy sx in the future. They were violated on the deepest level--the human in them. When molested, the victim is worthless and in terrible pain and often, no one can help for way too long. So that's why it's so awful and has such a profound effect.
While not every person molested will react the same, I think it is nonsense to say that they have no effect whatsoever. That's like saying seeing a death can have zero effect on someone.

That said, when children are believed by their parents RIGHT AWAY and safety measures are put into place RIGHT AWAY and therapy is started as soon as possible, most kids will be completely fine two years down the line. And some come out stronger than they started.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:42 am

amother wrote:

Playing footsie is not molestation. I find it very hard to believe you heard the whole story.

What the uncle did sexualized the girl. It was unwanted touch with s-xual intentions. It sounds like there was some heavy grooming taking place as well. I can certainly understand how a twelve year old girl would feel helpless, objectified, and feel that her boundaries were violated. And by a trusted family member. This can be highly traumatic to a child.