Why would the school choose him for a midos award?

MagentaYenta

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:11 pm

amother wrote:

Sometimes taking away the award from the intended person (even for noble reasons) can be quite be painful for that person. I can totally relate to that 'bitterness' you describe. I was raised in an emotionally abusive home, with a severely narcisstic mother. I had little self-esteem, no self-worth, and no love whatsoever. My mother kept me on a very short leash and I had no social life either. In short, life was miserable. The only thing I had going for me was that I excelled academically, far beyond any of my peers. That annual award for academic excellence meant so much to me. It validated that the one positive thing I had in life actually was a worthy thing and to actually hear good words about myself was really uplifting. That lasted until a new principal arrived and the 'rules' of the award were changed. "Academic excellence awards were now awarded to the students who try the hardest, because effort is what actually counts." This was really really painful for me and it obliterated any vestige of self-esteem I had managed to maintain till that point. Especially being a child, I wasn't in any position to rationalize in any way. But I managed to maintain my facade of indifference and cheer along with the rest of the students and no one had any inkling of how hurt I was inside.

Very often the teachers and administration have no idea what's going on in a child's life. A seemingly well adjusted child could be so broken within. Don't take away from one child to boost another. If someone needs a boost, find a different way how to do it.

Consider giving a pass to the awards. Clearly there are issues as to any metrics used in determining who gets them. For goodness sakes these are teenagers. Do they really need certificates or participation awards??

Or work with the school, express your concern, organize other parents who feel the same way. Make your voices heard, after all you are writing checks. And if you consider this system corrupt, why participate in it or encourage it's existence? Don't they have boards of directors that you can petition? Or meetings parents can attend?

It seems these schools are doing the same things over and over again the same way, and the parents aren't getting the results they want.

amother

Azure

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:18 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

Yes, every person regardless of age deserves and needs to be acknowledged. While teens may not need participation acknowledgements, there are plenty of others that fit the bill.

Where I live, you are the mercy of the school. If you don't do what they say, jump when they say jump and so on, they will show you the door. And good luck getting into any new school after that. All the schools in the area mostly do the same and are equally corrupt. Just getting accepted into a school is more difficult than finding a shidduch these days. And no, there arent any board of directors that you can petition.

The only way to put a stop to all the schools' nonsense and control, would be if all the parents of an entire community stand up together. I can't see that happening in the near future.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:31 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe the school felt he could use a boost.

When I was a teen and worked as a counselor I chose best camper awards according to who needed it, as opposed to who deserved it. Like the girl with two sick sisters, or the one who didn't have a father...

It's a piece of paper, everyone will forget about it except for the awardee. It can affect his life forever.

I hated this.

I was one of those kids who did everything right and never got acknowledged until my high school graduation, at which point I was done and out of there.

There's got to be a way to award both.

Oh, and no one really feels good about being awarded when they know they don't deserve. When it's because of being a nebach, the kid themselves can tell and doesn't appreciate it.

Fox

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:37 pm

I find all these awards loathesome in the extreme. They teach precisely the opposite of the lessons intended, and I've never understood how any self-respecting (or respected!) educator can stand up on stage with a straight face and give these out.

Achievement and accomplishment isn't a pizza that must be divided up -- if three boys get all the slices, my kid is left with the box. Nor does every endeavor require a certificate or trophy.

My university stubbornly refused to rank students or designate valedictorians, etc. When pressed on the topic, the administrators looked down their noses and said, "We believe that all the students who complete their degrees at our institution have shown their capability and talent."

How much better for our schools to imitate that practice and say, "We hope that every single one of our students will constantly strive to improve his middos as he goes through life."

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 6:58 pm

I can relate somewhat. By my elementary school graduation, I had a very good academic record--but I got overlooked b/c there were many girls with stellar grades--and ALL the 4.0 students got the award--I had like 1-2 bad grades, one of which was a "mistake" but came at an inopportune time. I was an excellent candidate for the middos or derech eretz award, but in the end it went to a daughter of a school dignitary and was someone whom I found to be somewhat obnoxious at the time, and they only gave out one. There was a LOT of discussion by parents after the ceremony about how they gave some kids multiple awards, and many kids (of a "small" out of town class) got none--while some awards had multiple recipients and some only had 1. I was sore about it for a long time. In the end, it was a long time ago, never made one stitch of difference. I got into the seminary I wanted, married an excellent guy, and I'm employed in the career of my choice. Award or none, I'm known for chessed and being helpful no matter what. The girl ended up turning around somewhat and has gone on to have a successful career path. In judaism we say "l'fum tzaara agra" and we often like to measure "personal growth by how far someone has come rather than how high they started out with and inched higher.

Jeanette

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 8:10 pm

amother wrote:

That is sooo patronizing. Kids see straight through it. Kids want honest acknowledgment of their struggles, not pats on the head and prizes for being the biggest nebach.

amother

Violet

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

I totally can empathize. I was raised in a very difficult home, and I worked really hard to get top grades. I and my whole class assumed I was going to be valedictorian or at the very least salutatorian at my elementary school graduation (those were the only two who spoke at the ceremony.) To our classes surprise, the salutatorian was given to a good student whose parents had major bucks, but she herself probably only ranked at number 5. I was given a small gift for academic achievement, but still it irked me then, and irks me now.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:12 pm

Chayalle wrote:

It's funny - was talking to my sis yesterday, and her 12 year old DD got a middos award in school. She happens to be an absolute sweetheart. The kind of girl everyone would think of when giving a middos award. Of course, my sister is very proud of her. She's a lovely young lady.

My girls say that more often than not, middos award goes to a certain personality. It goes to a girl (or boy) who doesn't necessarily work hard to get it. Some kids just have that blessed, easygoing personality. They are the darling of their class and their teachers. Everyone loves them. But they are not necessarily the kids who worked hard on some aspect, and as others have posted, it's not necessarily growth that is being acknowledged.

One of my girls happens to be rather spunky...but I remember times as a kid where she tried really hard but of course wasn't noticed....she says, for example, that she was never, ever camper of the week in daycamp. It bothered her, because sometimes she tried hard...and sometimes just gave up and figured she may as well enjoy herself and not try, because it doesn't help.....

If the school actually chose a boy who at some point decided to try hard, then that's nice. Who knows?

I have kids at both ends of the behavior spectrum. I used to agree with what you wrote, but I have a different perspective now.

My "malach" child is naturally well behaved, true. But. Does this mean he doesn't pay a price for his good behavior, or that it just happens on its own? He evaluates his situation and makes constant decisions: Should he go along with the trouble-makers? Should he ignore them? Should he tell them to behave themselves? What will be the social costs to him if he does not go along with them? Or if he tells them off?

What does he care about more--doing the right thing, or being accepted by his friends, or even risk being socially ostracized?

He thinks things through and he makes his decisions, all on his own. He willingly and knowingly accepts the social consequences of behaving nicely and respectfully. He sticks up for himself, and for younger and weaker kids, even when it's hard.

He never likes to draw attention to himself, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't very much benefit from some acknowledgment.

How's this for irony. This ds was not one of the boys who received any awards at graduation. Afterwards, we found out that he actually had received some type of excellence award, which was put together with his diploma when they gave it to him. The principal told dh that only two boys out of the whole grade received this award. They just forgot to announce it. Confused

Eta. They announced the other boy. They forgot to announce ds. Which I think is because of his whole personality; quiet, under the radar. Too bad, it would've been nice for him.

seeker

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:18 pm

Fox wrote:

"like" didn't cover it, so I hit "quote" instead.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:28 am

I'm not the type to be all "Yay, everyone's a winner!", but in this case I would give each child a personalized award, explaining which middos are their best. Friendlilest, most improved, most respectful, hardest working, etc.

THAT would be meaningful, and give the parents a lot of nachas as well. Middos are for everyone, not just the best of the bunch. DD loved the kind things teachers wrote on her report card, and would read them over and over again, like she was drilling it into her head. Think of all the good that each kid could get out of a few nice words at the end of the year.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:53 am

Here's my funny little story. We know a boy whom everyone thinks has the richest parents at the school. He doesn't, but that's another story altogether. I cannot tell you how many times people have said, "that kids gets away with everything because of who his parents are." Except, well, he doesn't. His parents are called into school twice a week. He's had privileges that every other kid in the school gets taken away from him. They've come down hard on him. He's been suspended a couple of times. But everyone just assumes that he's getting away with things that he's not. That said, if he ever won a middos award, I'd think it was appropriate. Because however he acts IN class, he is incredibly kind and generous OUT of class.

The answer is that no one but the school knows what is going on, and why this child was chosen.

All we know is that it shows horrible middos to trash a 14 year old boy, in public, even if you're not using his name.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:14 am

Fox wrote:

My university stubbornly refused to rank students or designate valedictorians, etc. When pressed on the topic, the administrators looked down their noses and said, "We believe that all the students who complete their degrees at our institution have shown their capability and talent."

How much better for our schools to imitate that practice and say, "We hope that every single one of our students will constantly strive to improve his middos as he goes through life."

One summer I sent DD to family in the Monsey area, and she attended La Ruach daycamp. They had a very unique award system I haven't seen anywhere else - every week, another bunk was awarded "bunk of the week". Instead of there being competition on the individual level, they put it at the group level. A bunk that worked to have team spirit, etc..was awarded with the title and a special treat - like icecream for the bunk, etc...

Same DD who never got to be camper of the week, loved this system.

BTW, I have another DD who is the middos award poster girl....she's usually been camper of the week the first week, and last year she was TC of the summer in her sleepaway camp....so I do get both ends of the spectrum....being the parent of both types. I'm not saying it's effortless, but just making the point that it's a certain personality type that gets noticed for these awards.

HonesttoGod

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:19 am

As a teenager I moved to a new high school for the final year. It was hard as h*** and I had to study five times as hard to make up for what I had missed previous years being in a school that was on a lower level.

At graduation there were 8-10 awards or so and I got 4 of them. I felt SO stupid. I wanted to crawl into a hole each time my name was called. Here these classmates of mine had worked through all 6 years in the school and I just waltz in for the final year and take half the awards. Did I deserve them? Most definitely, they weren't given because my parents were wealthy or they wanted to boost my self esteem (this was the last day of school) but it was still really embarrassing and I always remember that part.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:56 am

I hated these awards. I remember the girl who got the aishes cheyil award in 12th grade was obnoxious to me and I witnessed it to staff (but not the awards voting staff...) And the annual middos award went to the same girl in each grade every year. Yes she deserved it but cmon. I could have pointed out 3 other girls without thinking about it (and not me!).
I remember a teacher who handed out best effort and excellence awards. Trying to make us all feel good about ourselves we later were embarrassed when girl X got excellence in all while I got just perkai avos or some minor (according to Us Students) subject. Or the davener award that went to the loudest but not the ones who davened the longest shmone asrei or the one with at least trying to have kavanah.

Yeah I had struggles at home, SN sibling, sick parent and I worked really hard academically. I had switched schools so had a lot of ground to make up a lot of work. I got no recognition of my effort or that I was pulling As despite this.
While I don't think every kid needs an award don't give one kid 5 and leave nothing for everyone else. And don't give it to the rich kids just for being rich! Or the principals daughter...

amother

Linen

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 8:39 am

Our high school gave out a medal for all around excellence. There was a girl who genuinely deserved it - smart, kind, talented, all around a great girl. But unfortunately for her, she was the daughter of the gvir who pretty much kept the school financially afloat. They didn't want to look like they were favoring her (the principal told us when we asked later) so they gave the award to a lovely girl who wasn't nearly as deserving. I still remember her crying at graduation, but then washing her face and coming back to congratulate not just the winner, but her parents and grandparents. And then thanking all the teachers for a wonderful year. She definitely deserved the middos award.