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Does staring = harassing?
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 12:50 pm
If you are in circles where boys and girls don't mingle, then keep in mind that many of the boys don't really get taught what proper social etiquette is. He's likely just being a stupid teenager. He might be sixteen but I find kids in more segregated society are usually 3-4 years behind their peers with this stuff. So He might be 16, but acting 13.

I would just tell her to look at him and say "Can I help you with something?" That tells him that she noticed him looking. If he doesn't say anything she can just ask him to stop directly.

I think it's best if she takes care of it herself.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 1:08 pm
petiteruchy wrote:
I'm also really not sure why his humiliation matters more than her comfort. I think she SHOULD say something if she feels comfortable, because I do think she should have practice with and the ability to make herself feel safe and comfortable, but if she doesn't want to/can't, then it would still be the parent's place to make that happen.

It depends a lot on how your community is. Does she regularly have contact with boys her own age and older? Does she regularly talk to them, have conversations of varying lengths? Did she ever play with this boy when they were younger? If yes to any of those, then yes, she will probably feel ok saying something. If no, then why on earth WOULD she feel comfortable talking to him about this?


I think davka if it is uncomfortable, you have to be able to confront the uncomfortable! things will come up in life, when you feel uncomfortable and based on some of the previous posts. Girls have been taught from a young age, to be nice and considerate, and smile.... and when they do not mean it... they should NOT get into the habit... but the habit is already there. So we have to teach our girls not to be so docile. If someone is making them feel uncomfortable, speak up, no matter who that someone is... if it's a close friend, a neighbor, acquaintance, teacher... even a family member.

I have a friend who's daughter only likes her mother (my friend) to brush her hair, so the mom told the kid, "even if savta or abba starts brushing, you can say no, I want ima to do it and you're not ima" --- a minor issue compared to staring, but a very good start in learning to advocate for yourself
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 1:14 pm
amother wrote:
However, In what case do u recommend the below exactly?!

Not sure exactly what you mean. In this particular case, I'd go with Saw50st8's advice. The "staring" is just for a few seconds, and my guess is that this boy doesn't even realize his actions are noticeable.

But my main points are two-fold:

First, however benign this young man's actions are, this is a great opportunity for the OP to open up a conversation with her DD about discouraging unwanted attention or advances. IME, a lot of observant Jewish girls, even from less insular communities, don't have much preparation or practice in handling unwanted attention from men.

As a result, their responses tend to be all over the board. Sometimes they interpret a completely innocent gesture as threatening, and other times they miss cues that might jeopardize their safety.

Second, it's not productive for young women to think excessively about the man's character or motivations. Unwanted attention is unwanted attention. You respond pleasantly but firmly, and if your admirer continues to attempt to engage with you in some way, you get yourself to a safe place. Period.

If the guy is a clueless teenager, he'll probably run off with his tail between his legs, mortified at the whole encounter. If he's a sleazy lounge lizard, he'll shrug and try his luck elsewhere. And if he's a serial killer scouting a victim, he'll figure that you would be too much trouble to drag off the street.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 1:20 pm
It's NOT okay for an adult to say something to a TEEN in this kind of situation. Don't you see? The power is not at all equal. It's highly inappropriate for an adult to say something to him. I'm really surprised at some posters here. I will never forget when I went over to my aunt and uncles house and one of my boy cousins was there. I was a 16 year old kid. I always thought it was weird that this cousin never ever said hello, but I looked at him to acknowledge his existence when I came into the room, but don't worry he never made eye contact. All of a sudden, this cousin's grandmother pulls me aside (wasn't my grandmother) and starts giving me a speech about in the shtetl, a girl would never dare to raise her eyes to a boy. EWWWW! he was my cousin for goodness sakes! But she humiliated and mortified me, and all I could do was listen and be horrified.Totally inappropriate. The conversation was lopsided anyway, since as the adult she had more power in that one-sided conversation. There was no point in defending myself. I shouldn't have had to defend myself anyway. For posters to say that he may become a stalker or a peeping tom- I'm sorry - you are overreacting. Stop ascribing behavior to a kid when it didn't even happen. This is NORMAL behavior. Stop trying to make it abnormal. I got a lot of comments from boys/men as a teenager (not anymore) and you just learn to put on a mean face.
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