Wives of first responders, EMT's, PO's, e.tc how do u cope?

amother

Puce

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:00 am

Hi, ke'h, my husband volunteers in Hatzolah.
He's also (kambatz) Executive Officer of Operations, spokesman and sec'y for the Rabbonim of ZAKA, and holds more posts in ZAKA.
Is an askan for Jewish community needs in Israel and overseas.
Founded and runs "Mesamchim," a wonderful group of men and bochurim who play music and sing in hospitals and for sick, elderly, infirm people at home.
He's basically on call 24/7. ke'h.
While I admire my husband immensely, I sometimes feel hurt and resentful that he barely has time for me, although I must give him credit that he does try to make time for his family.
He's so exhausted at the end of the week that he falls asleep at the Shabbos table.
I'd like to hear from other women whose husbands are in this line of duty:
How do you cope with your husband's work?

Thank you. Smile

amother

Puce

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 7:43 am

thank you "olive" for your kind words and "3b2c" (sorry if I got ur name wrong) for pitching in with sensible advice. True, it is what it is, and it's been like this for the last 30 years. I should already be used to it. Right?
But, somehow I can't fully accept it, even though I do really admire my husband and am proud of him.
e.g. right now - he came home 10 mins. ago and said he has an hour to spare -
only home 5 mins. and already he's received 4 calls at one time. So he's busy with that.

I really hope that I don't come across as complaining. I'm not. I'm trying to honestly find a way how to accept the situation.

I'd like to turn this forum here into a positive minded support group for those who find it difficult, and get ideas from those who have found ways of accepting this way of life.

Anyone interested?
I know that I need it very much. Smile

Thank you.

amother

Olive

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 9:51 am

Did you ever have a conversation with him about it? What does he say? Is he the type that needs to help everyone? What makes him do all this? What gives him the drive? It doesn't matter to me what the answers are. It's for you to figure out how to understand him and it might help you to accept it. It might not. Being realistic about who your dh is. Is very helpful. So if he's the high energy type like many hatzala members are then this is the nature of who he is.

I'm not saying what his nature is, I could be totally off. It was just an example of what the scenario can explain.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:32 pm

amother wrote:

anyone in imamother who's husband volunteers in ZAKA and is going to to the 3 days "ZAKA wives" getaway at the Kinar hotel?

Wow. While we Hatzolah wives do have a chanuka party with nice gifts, we don't get any getaways, so I hope you go and enjoy.
I don't have much advice, even though I have BTDT for well over 20 years. I think some times are easier than others to accept the askonis. At times I needed to change my attitude towards it to make it easier. Mostly, the askan has to know his place.....family does have to be his priority.

Iymnok

Mon, Jun 26 2017, 1:40 pm

Does he make a sacred time for you?
It sounds like you need an hour a week (or whatever) when he won't go anywhere and only accept calls within the parameters that the two of you agree upon.
Find a time to talk about it. It is common for people who are super givers to neglect those closest to them. It's not on purpose, but when there is a need, and they can help, why should they stay home?

amother

Puce

Sat, Jul 01 2017, 6:59 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so thankful to those who responded here and are taking interest in my challenge.
I have discussed it many times with my husband. There isn't really anything to do - helping others, saving a life (I hope I don't sound callouus with this one) is so ingrained in him.
When he gets a call - he knows of one thing and one thing only, "perhaps I can save a life!?"
I feel very badly - I know I sound atrociously disgusting and ever so callous. I hate myself for finding my husband's mitzvah/work difficult.
You're right "Olive" my husband is ke'h a high energy type, and high achiever, and likes doing, helping...

When he's out on Shabbos for hours searching for s/o gone missing, I really have to work on myself to stay calm.
My immediate family live abroad so it's not like 'I can just pop over to Mom with my kids' if he hasn't come home overnight plus.
I'm trying. Really trying. To work on my attitude to accept it.
The fact that he has very little time for me is the other issue I find very hard.

when he does make some time for us, it feels like an appt. by a professional b/c his mind is elsewhere and "our time" is usually punctured with phone calls.

I REALLY REALLY hope that I don't come across as a complainer. And I REALLY REALLY
admire my husband for the mitzvos he does.
that's why I started this thread b/c I want to come to fully accept him and his work.

tx

amother

Puce

Sat, Jul 01 2017, 7:05 pm

Iymnok wrote:

No, we don't have a specific time that is sacred for us, when all his phones are off, and he is off limits from his work.
B/C he has senior positions in ZAKA and is on the ZAKA unit in the police force, he has to be available 24/7. ke'h.

I know he doesn't do it on purpose. He's a good person, b'H.

amother

Puce

Sat, Jul 01 2017, 7:09 pm

[quote="amother"]Wow. While we Hatzolah wives do have a chanuka party with nice gifts, we don't get any getaways, so I hope you go and enjoy.

He's also on hatzolah, but that is volunteering.
I don't know in which country u live, so which hatzolah org. you are referring to, but where we live hatzolah doesn't throw yearly chanukah parties for the wives.

as for the getaway, I probably won't be going b/c it cost more money then is within our budget, even tho it's with a reduction.
glad the zaka director finally decided the wives need a time-off, been several years since the last time.