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Are we obligated to invite those who invited us?



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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 10:51 am
So this is really over the years long issue that is adding on to conversational issue I am having with my dh now. Please please help me with advice.

Over the years of marriage me and my dh were not invited at all to friends for yomtov or shabbos meals but in past year we got like 5 invitations to 5 different families for different reasons and yes we attended them all. We did not invite any friends in past because we lived in very small broken apartment so we were embarrassed and were waiting to move into our own house to start inviting. 2 weeks after we moved in I found out I was pregnant ( BC failed) my pregnancies are very difficult and I have been on medication to control my symptoms with no cleaning help or nannies. So due to my difficult situation I decided that hosting now is not possible and friends can wait. Mind you those that did invite us did it at least 2-3 years after they moved and settled into their homes. We only in new house 3 months. I have not settled in yet.
What bothers me is that every time I want to have family selebration like BBQ on July 4 with my dh and kids only my dh wants to invite few families otherwise he claims he not doing BBQ at all. And he always doesn't stop reminding me the we got invited and we need to invite back soon.

What do you think? Who is right?
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Bluesky 1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:00 am
There is no right. He really should understand how your feeling now that your pregnant. He's being mean not wanting a BBQ for your kids. Must I say immature. Like it's a punishment to you that your not willing to invite.

If u tell him I'm not ready to invite nowthat I'm feeling sick in pregnancy?

Can't the invites wait till after the baby? Gosh why is he so uptight with the invites? Why ruin for all of you because of that?

Make a BBQ for your family and if he comments after don't let it become central. Keep explain how you feel and if he doesn't get it then put this on the list of things your dh isn't flexible about
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Shoshana37




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:10 am
I think you are both right. I understand your pregnant and not up to it however I also understand how he feels. my husband and I had the same issue with my in laws. we lived in a very small apartment and I couldn't invite his big family because of space and we couldn't afford it. My situation was different too cause my mother in law always compared all the sister in laws and literally grade us so I was the youngest of all and was very discouraged however years have passed and I could care less what this woman says now. I invite only company I enjoy Smile
as for you my advice is try to please your husband after all your shalom bait is more important and you want to make him happy. Give him some conditions tell him you expect him to help with everything and everyone who is invited has to bring an appetizer or desert and you just make the main dish. you will be surprised how much fun it can be. Best of luck to you.
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:11 am
Bluesky 1 wrote:
There is no right. He really should understand how your feeling now that your pregnant. He's being mean not wanting a BBQ for your kids. Must I say immature. Like it's a punishment to you that your not willing to invite.

If u tell him I'm not ready to invite nowthat I'm feeling sick in pregnancy?

Can't the invites wait till after the baby? Gosh why is he so uptight with the invites? Why ruin for all of you because of that?

Make a BBQ for your family and if he comments after don't let it become central. Keep explain how you feel and if he doesn't get it then put this on the list of things your dh isn't flexible about


Thankyou for your response. I do remind him how I feel and his response is " you have been like that for past x number of years" or "it's not new"
I don't feel any sensitivity at all
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:14 am
Shoshana you have very good idea. Thankyou
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Bluesky 1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:41 am
mammala120 wrote:
Thankyou for your response. I do remind him how I feel and his response is " you have been like that for past x number of years" or "it's not new"
I don't feel any sensitivity at all


Oy, that's horrible. Is he like this in general? Insensitive? Your pregnant he should understand you. It sounds like there is more going on. In general when things don't make sense then there's more to the story and I might have a different opinion. But you didn't mention a lot more so I commented on that. I hope your not more angry at him. I didn't mean to bring that out.

You might want to explore what else is bothering him and see why this is happening.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:48 am
mammala120 wrote:
So this is really over the years long issue that is adding on to conversational issue I am having with my dh now. Please please help me with advice.

Over the years of marriage me and my dh were not invited at all to friends for yomtov or shabbos meals but in past year we got like 5 invitations to 5 different families for different reasons and yes we attended them all. We did not invite any friends in past because we lived in very small broken apartment so we were embarrassed and were waiting to move into our own house to start inviting. 2 weeks after we moved in I found out I was pregnant ( BC failed) my pregnancies are very difficult and I have been on medication to control my symptoms with no cleaning help or nannies. So due to my difficult situation I decided that hosting now is not possible and friends can wait. Mind you those that did invite us did it at least 2-3 years after they moved and settled into their homes. We only in new house 3 months. I have not settled in yet.
What bothers me is that every time I want to have family selebration like BBQ on July 4 with my dh and kids only my dh wants to invite few families otherwise he claims he not doing BBQ at all. And he always doesn't stop reminding me the we got invited and we need to invite back soon.

What do you think? Who is right?


B'shaa tova.

Sure you should invite these people. But it doesn't have to be next week or next month. They'll know pretty soon that you're pregnant, and they'll understand.

But if your DH feels so strongly about it, then absolutely, he should invite whom he wants. And he should cook. And clean up. And run after the kids. You'll be relaxing and enjoying your guests as best you can.
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 11:58 am
Bluesky 1 wrote:
Oy, that's horrible. Is he like this in general? Insensitive? Your pregnant he should understand you. It sounds like there is more going on. In general when things don't make sense then there's more to the story and I might have a different opinion. But you didn't mention a lot more so I commented on that. I hope your not more angry at him. I didn't mean to bring that out.

You might want to explore what else is bothering him and see why this is happening.


It's bothering him that I am pregnant. Period. We were on BC
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Bluesky 1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:00 pm
Six of wands it sounds great! How come I didn't think of it? Op is that up your alley?
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:01 pm
Yes u should invite those who invited you.

No you don't have to do it now. Just keep it in mind when u are up for hosting.
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:01 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
B'shaa tova.

Sure you should invite these people. But it doesn't have to be next week or next month. They'll know pretty soon that you're pregnant, and they'll understand.

But if your DH feels so strongly about it, then absolutely, he should invite whom he wants. And he should cook. And clean up. And run after the kids. You'll be relaxing and enjoying your guests as best you can.


Good thinking but it's not how it works in my circle. If I sit and enjoy myself while he does it all I will be labeled as "lazy" "selfish" lucky wife and nebah dh. Yes it happened already in past coming from his side of family
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 12:03 pm
[quote="causemommysaid"]Yes u should invite those who invited you.

No you don't have to do it now. Just keep it in mind when u are up for hosting.[/quote

This was always on my mind and I did hint to those who invited us that we need time to settle and then we will invite you too
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self-actualization




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 1:36 pm
My husband loves having barbecues and loves inviting neighbors. I find that he pitches in much more for these events and it's much less stressful for me because I can use disposable dishes, and because it's not Shabbos so I don't need to prepare everything ahead of time. I would love to be able to do my reciprocating through bbqs.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 1:57 pm
life should not be a tit for tat ...

if you want to invite ... if you cannot invite don't

if your husband wants to make a bbq & make it worthwhile by having a bigger one for the same flame ... so long as he does all the work & hires a cleaning person to bring the house back to the same way it was before - why not

now everybody can be happy

pass me a beer please ~ לחיים
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cbg




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:05 pm
I could maybe understand inviting 1 small family/couple, but inviting 5 couples at one time???
That's A Lot of work even if you weren't pregnant, even if everyone brings something.
Assuming each family has at least 2 kids, that's 20 ppl plus your family.
You are not a catering business.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:49 pm
DH and I have had a similar issue in the past. We ended up having the BBQ but he was responsible for everything. Except I callled a cleaning lady to clean both before and after - those were my terms.

He ordered paper goods and soda, etc from Amazon, made a couple of salads, cooked on the grill, and got pareve ice cream and watermelon for dessert.

While I do think it's good to reciprocate invites, I think you can wait a while until you are settled
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mammala120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 2:58 pm
cbg wrote:
I could maybe understand inviting 1 small family/couple, but inviting 5 couples at one time???
That's A Lot of work even if you weren't pregnant, even if everyone brings something.
Assuming each family has at least 2 kids, that's 20 ppl plus your family.
You are not a catering business.


For this BBQ he wanted to invite 2 families making it 4 adults 4 kids. We have bunch of our own hard to handle kids which I get no help for. He leaves 7 am and comes home 9 pm. So please I hardly have energy for my own cooking and cleaning. Don't even start him on cleaning lady. He will give you all excuse in word why it's not good idea to get one
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Kiwi Bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 26 2017, 8:16 pm
I agree that if he wants to invite, then he should be the one doing the majority of the work. If he is not willing, it's a very simple no.
the work he should do to help you should be before and after the bbq.
he should make sure the house is clean, prepare the food and buy the papergoods. after everyone leaves he should do the clean up.

he will be the one doing the barbecuing during the party. really, all you need to do is walk around making sure there is enough food, and clearing a few plates from time to time. your guests should not know that your husband is doing the bulk of work. then you won't be embarrassed.

a bbq is the easiest way to reciprocate, especially if your husband agrees to do the bulk of the work.

unless you have another reason you don't feel ready to invite guests, besides for the work. do you feel like you haven't finished setting up your house and decorating it?
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queenert




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 27 2017, 8:19 am
Gosh, OP, that's really rough.
Have you empathized with his desires? Or just stated your needs? Try to show him that you'd love to and that you understand how important it is to him.
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 27 2017, 9:40 am
If you have these families over for the BBQ will you be yotzeh having them for a shabbos meal? I would hope so.

I just made a big BBQ recently for 21 ppl. which was a lot of work but I felt my DH was working even harder manning the grill etc.

I don't think you will look like a lazy wife if you are not manning the grill. That's a guy thing anyhow & I don't think I looked lazy even though I was not outside standing by the grill like he was.

Hope you can work it out. It sounds like he is blaming you b/c the BC failed. Am I right about that or is he just upset about it?
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