Gift for Kallah you are mad at?

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 6:52 am

Its a spinoff of this thread: http://www.imamother.com/forum.....08629

I was invited to a wedding and after I had said I would be attending and had booked non refundable tickets, the Kallah insulted me badly a few times. I was debating whether I should attend or not.
I have lots of expenses, not only the transportation (its a 10 hour train ride each way), but also hotel room and taxi to the hall.
And I am still somehow mad at her but understand it may be a mitzva to go. Took out a day of my limited vacation time.

Would you give her a gift? I always usually give gifts at weddings but 1. we cannot afford to give a lot 2. she did not put up any list 3. she will live at her inlaws for a while and 4. I cant shlep anything big on the train.

I do not want to give money because money gets lost at weddings and we are very short of money.

Yes or no? I somehow feel I am already doing enough by swallowing the toad and attending the wedding even though she insulted me bigtime and personally.

33055

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 6:55 am

amother wrote:

I wouldn't give a gift, and I would rethink sitting on a 20 hr train ride for all but the closest of Kallahs. You are going to resent this forever.

singleagain

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 10:17 am

is there maybe some little kitchen gadget, or household item you know you can't live without and think she will appreciate? like some sort of garlic peeler/chopper... you can get something like that for under ten dollars, and it's abt the size of your hand... or something similar? maybe a nice mirror or tray for under her shabbat candles?

33055

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 10:46 am

singleagain wrote:

Or OP can get her a schmatta, so the kallah has one when OP goes home.

Seriously, I would sooner send the $10 gift, like a book on being a good wife than go to this chasunah.

singleagain

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 10:58 am

I simply offered an idea of something useful but inexpensive, especially, if it's something OP uses herself, she can include a cute note.

of course, OP doesn't have to buy something, but if she chooses to, I gave some ideas... you don't have to put it down.

iyar

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 11:08 am

If you can find it in your heart to respond to the insult by schlepping to the wedding and giving a small gift, you have a huge z'chus for behaving kindly to someone who caused you to feel embarrassed.

Having said that, that wouldn't be my response. I'm not such a good person. I don't think I'd attend or give a gift after that kind of treatment.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 11:11 am

amother wrote:

Side point but why are you taking the train if you said you already booked flights?

33055

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 11:18 am

singleagain wrote:

Sorry, I didn't mean for my post to come across putting down your ideas. I think they are all good suggestions and personal.

This kallah has no respect for OP, so getting her a gift rubs me wrong. I think this Kallah demeans OP, and the sooner she is gone from her life the better.

OP is a better person than me because there is no way I would travel long distance to be dissed. I would have a hard time going across town for her.

singleagain

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 11:21 am

Squishy wrote:

I appreciate the apology.... It's just you quoted my post, so I thought there was something abt my idea you disagreed with. Instead of the principal.

Since OP is not feeling secure in relationship, and with other money concerns, I simply suggest a small inexpensive useful gift.

amother

Silver

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 3:22 pm

Give her something insulting. That'll teach her a lesson. No no in truth you going is the biggest gift you can give her...go and forgive her in ur heart so that ur resentfulness doesnt effect her futurw life. U should be blessed with many brachos. Time of embarrassment is an eis ratzon.

WhatFor

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 3:35 pm

Iymnok wrote:

There are presently two similar threads. No proof that they are posted by the same person.
Don't assume.

The op linked to the other thread saying that this was a spinoff. In both threads she said it was a 10 hour ride each way, but in the former she said it was plane tix and in this she said it was a train.

In any case, OP, I think you should go since you already told her you were going, you already booked everything, and it doesn't sound like she has many friends. I think you should buy her at least a basic gift as would be expected of someone who attends a wedding. Don't let her lower you to her level.
Beyond that, decide whether you want to confront her about this issue in hopes of improving the relationship, or just let the relationship disintegrate, which shouldn't be too difficult given your physical distance.