14 yr old DS bought Smartphone..How do we Nip it in the Bud?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 2:22 pm

I don't know how he got the phone but he definitely got himself an email. He has been texting and telegramming. So far he has been texting friends and some boys who were councilors in camp.
He also got a secret account on Netflix which we just discovered. So far he has only been watching family type movies but who knows what is next...
I am also worried that even though he doesn't smoke cigarettes, he likes vaping. Who knows what is next.
He is in a good yeshivah and probably will be told to leave because his learning is not up to par. He was warned several times to shape up.
How do we nip this in the bud??? I am so scared!

amother

Bronze

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 2:29 pm

You need someone who gives chinuch guidance. Maybe his rosh yeshiva or rebbe

amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 2:38 pm

That would make sense. But in his case, they would not be the answer as he doesn't have enough respect for his rebbe's opinion.
He needs a mentor that he will respect. Maybe somebody can recommend a Chinuch expert?

Iymnok

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 2:44 pm

YOU need a chinuch expert to help guide you in a way that is sensitive to your son and protects him at the same time.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 3:17 pm

Is DS's father in the picture at all? Does he have any input on your son's behavior?

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 3:19 pm

amother wrote:

How do you nip it in the bud? You don't. Because you can't. Have you spoken to him, has his father spoken to him? Does he want to stay in yeshiva? What will he do if he is asked to leave?
Sorry to say this but from my experience he is displaying real danger signs of going OTD. I hope I am wrong. The only thing you can do is keep on having a relationship with him, keep close, keep him talking to you. Why is he unhappy in Yeshiva? Something is going on with him.

wanna

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 3:31 pm

You need guidance for yourself!!

I don't think he's in a place right now to accept any guidance that you provide. This needs chuchma, tact and skill.
You want to reach a point where he is comfortable sharing with you all of his secrets, as dirty as they are.

I'm sorry for you OP. Its a very sad situation. Bht dont let fear paralyze you. Take action.

wanna

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 3:33 pm

I can reccomend someone. Can you afford to pay?

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 4:28 pm

Reach out to MASK or Rabbi Avi Fishoff (Flatbush) for guidance.
Hatzlocha.

amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 4:36 pm

I have a warm relationship with DS. He told me a lot of things - but not everything. There are things he admits to me but some things not.
My dh has a bit of a rocky relationship with him. He will yell and break his "toys" to teach him a lesson. Then ds would only hate him for it. Obviously that doesn't help much.
As far as paying somebody to help. I absolutely would.

amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 4:53 pm

wanna wrote:

I can reccomend someone. Can you afford to pay?

Yes. Who do you have?

dancingqueen

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 5:02 pm

amother wrote:

While sneaking behind your back isn't ok it doesn't sound like he's doing anything too bad yet. Maybe it would be better for him to go to a Yeshiva that's less restrictive but still frum so he can fit in better?

petiteruchy

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 5:10 pm

Where is he getting money for this?

wanna

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 5:11 pm

amother wrote:

Reach out to MASK or Rabbi Avi Fishoff (Flatbush) for guidance.
Hatzlocha.

Avi Fishoff only takes boys that are literally on the streets already.
OP I understand your concern with privacy, but I cant post this persons name because I will need to tell you how I know this person can help you. So you can put out an email or you can pm me any time.

SixOfWands

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 5:45 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

This.

OP, you said that he was on the verge of being asked to leave his school because he's not "up to par." That sounds terrible. Like they're judging his abilities inadequate. He might be better suited to a less rigorous, more caring school where they don't tell him that he's inferior.

As to his texting, it sounds like he's texting boys from his school, and counselors from his camp. IOW, he's doing exactly what the other boys are doing. You don't have to approve of that, but you should recognize that its not dire.

Before invoking nuclear options, talk to him. You're disappointed that he chose to buy the phone, and get netflix, without discussing that with you. Why did he do that? Can he agree to keep you informed in the future? Can you put phone/movie rules into place. Etc.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 6:01 pm

"Nipping in the bud" has looong passed. Now you deal with what wasn't dealt with years ago and a great social worker can do that.

greenfire

Tue, Jul 11 2017, 6:02 pm

DD or DS ... not that it makes a difference

there is no easy answer ... I find when we try to control too much the kid just rebels even more

then again the hope in raising a child is to guide them to make their own decisions and grow up to be adults

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 1:01 am

amother wrote:

So the boy has a smart phone, who paid for it? He has a Netflix account, is it his own or is he a user on another persons account? And he's vaping. So who is paying for the vaping.

Unless your son has independent financing, a very healthy allowance or a job with disposable income I'd be concerned about how he's financing his current lifestyle. Oh and his grades are slipping. These are all signs of a troubled kid.

At this point there are no buds to nip. As parents you should be asking your son some very hard questions. I'd also talk to some of those camp counselors too, they don't seem to be the best of influences on the young man. What's in it for them? Are they peers or older?

You've gotten good advice, it's really hard to turn these situations around when there is family tension and it's gone on for some time.

Good luck. Call some professionals.

Health is a Virture

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 3:41 am

what about helping him get the phone TAGged? He can even be the one to decide what to include and what not to. I mean discuss it with him like a mature adult. In the conversation, make it sound like of course he is a reasonable kid and would never want to go onto sites where there is s-xual tayvos, chat rooms etc

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 3:44 am

HIAV I think your post is great idea. But WDR aren't we in a chatroom right now? Wink

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