Is this how people join in a conversation?

amother

Violet

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 10:43 am

The other day at school, I was talking to another mom. We both had babies in strollers. A third mom came along and said jokingly "can I join, even without a baby in a stroller? haha" We welcomed her of course but we were in the middle of a conversation about something (which she could see and hear) and she just cut in with a completely different topic.

Is this rude or is it an acceptable way of joining in a conversation?

It seems rude but it's not the first time it has happened.

A while ago, at a gathering at a friend's house I was talking to the host when another girl walked up to her and said "what do you think of these shoes? I bought them in the sale last week and I'm wondering if I should go back and get another pair in a different color."

So the host turned to this girl and started giving her opinion on the shoes and our conversation was just cut off.

A similar thing happened last year at a brit too. I was talking to a friend who I hadn't seen for a while. We were both pregnant and were discussing where we were planning to give birth. She was considering the hospital I had used for my two previous births so I was giving her the lowdown on it. Mid conversation, another woman came along and started speaking to my friend in a different language (which I can't speak) as if I wasn't even there, and the two of them continued their conversation leaving me standing there awkwardly wondering whether I was supposed to just walk off at this point or wait an see if my friend would continue our conversation.

Is this a done thing in some cultures?

Socially, I'm the kind of person who finds it easy to start talking to someone I don't know if they're on their own, but difficult to join in with a group whether I know them or not.

WhatFor

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 12:11 pm

I think it's generally appropriate in a public social setting to join a couple of people talking. It's less polite to cut off their conversation and start your own, but is it possible that you stopped your conversation when she joined so then she just picked it up with whatever was on her mind? In your first two examples, I think those are just people trying to be friendly.

It's generally rude to join a conversation using a language one party member doesn't understand. The only time I could think where it's not rude is if you're joining a conversation and speaking the native language of the country you're all in and you're not yet aware that one member doesn't speak that language. (So, if you're in Israel and you join a conversation speaking Hebrew because you're unaware that someone in the group doesn't understand it.) Said person who doesn't understand can speak up and the group should start talking in a language that everyone understands.

cozyblanket

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 1:58 pm

OP, I dislike this whole situation too. I am similar to you in this sense:

amother wrote:

Socially, I'm the kind of person who finds it easy to start talking to someone I don't know if they're on their own, but difficult to join in with a group whether I know them or not.

It really bothers me when I am speaking to someone and someone else joins and totally cuts off our conversation. If they join the current topic, then fine, but often they change the subject and speak to to the other person and leave me out and I end up having to walk away after trying to get back in. One time this year, I was at shul and I was talking to a newcomer to town. Someone else came up and said to the newcomer, "enough with her, I am..." I just said good shabbos and left. If I join a conversation, I continue what they were talking about, not taking it over and leaving someone out.

I don't like going to some events because of all this.

amother

Violet

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 2:29 pm

I think it's generally appropriate in a public social setting to join a couple of people talking. It's less polite to cut off their conversation and start your own, but is it possible that you stopped your conversation when she joined so then she just picked it up with whatever was on her mind?[/quote]

We stopped our conversation when she interrupted asking if she can join the conversation even if she hasn't got baby in a stroller. She then did not join the conversation but started her own. I didn't find the interrupting to be rude, I'm not sure about the change of topic. I think I was more disappointed than anything because I hardly ever get to have a conversation with anyone and now that I do, someone comes and cuts it off!

WhatFor wrote:

In your first two examples, I think those are just people trying to be friendly.

I think the first one was trying to be friendly but the second and third ones came across much more rude because someone walked up and started up a conversation with the person I was talking to as if I was not even there, so I was completely cut off. In the third example, a different language was used, but I was clearly not included in the conversation anyway.

I don't know, as I said, I'm not very good at this kind of thing but I would have thought it would've been more appropriate and completely fine if the person joining the conversation had come and said "Hi, how are you?" or "Hi, what's up?" to BOTH of us so we could have replied "Oh hi, we were just discussing xyz, what do you think about...." This way, no one is left out and our conversation is not cut off. Maybe I'm over thinking it! haha

amother wrote:

Whether or not it's rude won't change the facts, because you can't change random people who do it.
Better to focus on your own assertion skills, and your ability to be able to hold conversation in a group.

I'm not trying to change anyone. I AM focussing on my own skills. As I wrote, I'm pretty good at striking up new conversations with people who are not currently talking to someone but I don't usually feel comfortable walking up and joining a group. I have seen that other people are more successful at this because they simply walk up to a person and start talking to them, even if they're in conversation with someone else and it doesn't seem to matter if the person then gets left out. Maybe I'm trying too hard not to butt in.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 5:23 pm

amother wrote:

The only difference between the 2nd and third examples is that in the third, the person cutting in was speaking a different language.

I'm definitely learning something here! I didn't grow up in the culture I now live in. Where I'm from, interrupting is considered rude.

I think all are normal at parties. People join up with new conversations all the time. In the third I would introduce myself and say sorry I don't speak x what are you talking about.

WhatFor

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 6:43 pm

amother wrote:

I think that there's a difference between interrupting when you're in a group convo and interrupting because you've joined a group. In social situations where people move constantly, people don't usually wait until two people are standing silently to join.

Of course there are probably situations where what you're describing is rude. If someone joins a large group where one person is talking so that their entry hasn't stopped the flow of conversation, they shouldn't be interrupting. But if the parties themselves stop talking to welcome the newcomer, then the newcomer might not realize they just interrupted a convo.

amother

Beige

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 9:13 pm

So can we talk instead about the right way to join a conversation? I'm like OP, I do better with one person but never quite figured out groups embarrassed

When I go to a kiddush or something and it seems everyone already has a conversation partner, I just drift around awkwardly.

I have more free/outdoor time in the summer so lately it's happened a bunch of times that I take my kids to the park or something and there are a bunch of people there already shmoozing and I'd like to join but don't know how. I feel like it would be nicer for them to notice that someone arrived and say something to make them feel welcome! But since they don't, I'm stuck.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jul 12 2017, 9:25 pm

I think its best to stop analyzing if its socially acceptable or not you cant change the world anyways and be more accepting of peoples differences.
I always feel uncomfortable coming into a group mid conversation so knowing it would be criticized would only make it harder for me to join.
If you were mid conversation and discussing something important you can always have that person call you later to finish.
Just be friendly and welcome others into your conversation.

amother

Violet

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 3:37 am

amother wrote:

The reason I'm asking whether it's socially acceptable or not is because I currently do not do this because it feels rude, but I've noticed that others do it and they seem to get on better socially because they always have someone to talk to, so I'm wondering if I also should be doing this.

I'm not trying to change the world, what a strange thing to say. This is a manners and etiquette forum, it exists for people to ask whether things are socially acceptable or not!

I'm also not really talking about someone JOINING the conversation. Of course it's fine to walk by and join in with whatever they're talking about. Personally, I'd hang back a bit to see if I can pick up on the conversation before joining in, or just walk up and say "Hi, what's new?"

I'm talking about me speaking one on one with another person, and mid sentence, a third person walks up and starts talking to the person I'm talking to as if I was not even there. I was taught to at least say excuse me before cutting in.

Anyway, according to the responses here it seems that it's totally fine to do this, so maybe it's either a cultural or a Jewish thing.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Jul 14 2017, 2:04 am

amother wrote:

This happens to me at work. There is one person who walks right in when I am talking to someone and totally starts talking about her issues. If the original person I am talking to address her I just pick my self up and walk out. Even from my own office.
Still have to come up with a way to say to her excuse me but you are interputting

Just say: Excuse me but you are interrupting.
Then keep talking to the first person.

crust

Fri, Jul 14 2017, 6:59 am

amother wrote:

Having whom to talk to, doesn't mean they get on better socially. Always having whom to talk to in a group setting, means, that either the person never listens, always has to be center of attention, is tactless and the 'group' is not necassarily intrested in what she's saying. They are rather hostaged by her non stop talking and cutting others off.

amother wrote:

Of course it's fine to walk by and join in with whatever they're talking about. Personally, I'd hang back a bit to see if I can pick up on the conversation before joining in, or just walk up and say "Hi, what's new?"

You are mature, educated and we'll mannered. Why change that?

amother wrote:

I'm talking about me speaking one on one with another person, and mid sentence, a third person walks up and starts talking to the person I'm talking to as if I was not even there. I was taught to at least say excuse me before cutting in.

You were taught correctly. Continue doing it. I don't understand why you even think it's normal to just cut in. Its tactless.