Please help me to correct my mistake!

amother

Blush

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 11:39 am

I have a wonderful sweet very spunky, smart, 8 year old child who can be a handful sometimes. He really wants to be good but says that he is not strong enough to fight the yetzer hara sometimes. Smile

Recently he has been going through a particularly difficult time (I would like to omit details on purpose because it is probably not so relevant to this post and I don't want to breach my anonymity) My nerves have not been the most calm also... Anyway, sometimes my son crosses the line and I have yelled or just gotten really exasperated (which is not how I used to be with him for the first four years of his life) and maybe because of that and issues that he has had in adjustment coupled with my nervousness-- we moved to a different country.. (not really his fault, but like I said I won't elaborate here) he feels that he is a bad child and I don't like him much (he always asks me and accuses me of not caring about him -- I am a very busy mom though I work at home)...

Anyway, what I am asking... can you give me some tips on how to reverse this possibly low self esteem trend that I may have set him on..

I really have not been such a nice calm mommie that he had known prior to the move.. He knows why but it is not and should not be his problem/concern. Obviously, he is a child and takes everything very personally.

Any advice on how I should start being the normal mommie that he used to have and change the dangerous course of this "feeling not loved" that he may be on.

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 11:58 am

Give him five compliments for every negative comment you have to make. Refrain from criticizing him if you have not given him those five compliments since the last time. Remember that it's okay to let certain behaviors slide. Rome wasn't built in a day....and a child doesn't grow up to be perfectly behaved from too much censorship. Try to set aside some time each day for just the two of you, and let him choose an activity - like a game - to make that time enjoyable. Let him tell you about his life. Listen, comment, and give positive validation.

mommy_r

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 7:06 pm

slightly different take on this - besides for improving your positive attention towards him (which I think is really important!!), maybe a complementary method is to teach him that people can be upset for reasons beyond his control - this is a really important life lesson.

When I was going through a difficult pregnancy, and found myself yelling at my kids sometimes, I saw that my daughter (4 yo) took it really personally and was very insulted (I wasn't being critical or insulting, fyi - more like "I am getting really mad now" in a loud voice). She also used to take it very personally if kids in her class did anything "mean" - which in her books meant anything from not liking her picture to not coming over to play with her. I talked to her a lot about how I can be in a bad mood and get upset but it's nothing to do with her personally, and that I love her tremendously all the time, and the same thing with kids in her class - they can be cranky or tired or hungry and could say some not-so-nice things. I explained that they/I should really have better midos, but even though they/I are making a mistake, it has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't feel bad. I found that this really, really helped her - both in school and at home - in fact, sometimes she'll say to me "so and so wasn't being so nice and I just ignored her." I think this is a really valuable life lesson for kids - to see that ppl can and do get upset, and say I'm sorry, and that you don't need to react to other ppl's bad day by getting insulted.

penguin

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 7:43 pm

I would suggest you read the Five Love Languages for Children. If you make a little time/headspace/energy for the things that really speak his language, you'll get much more mileage.

E.g. suggestion above to spend time is great but for some kids that's not their language. Though of course, giving compliments, acts of service and hugs/touch will all involve time, but the time can be maximized so much more.

Also when you feel about to lose it, it can't hurt to take a deep breath, but then, say "Hashem, I want my kids to grow up happy and healthy. Please help me keep it together." This should be much more effective than counting to ten, no?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 7:45 pm

One thing I found extremely helpful in dealing with a very challenging child (I said to DH today, we have to say Hallel every day that he turned out okay!) was Rabbi Orlowek's on chinuch. In particular, to keep in mind that my goal is never this particular issue (clean up the toys, eat your protein, wash your hands) but rather to build a good and lasting relationship with the child.

amother

Blush

Thu, Jul 13 2017, 10:39 pm

OP here.

Every single piece of advice here is a priceless diamond to me! Thank you!!!!!

I think that BH overall I have a close relationship with my son.

But will work on giving him clean time, giving MYSELF clean time (even if it is only a little), focus on the fact that my MOST important priority is to build a lasting relationship with my child/family, not keep my house organized, or "GET DONE" with my to do list, or be efficient in other ways...

I will also CATCH my son doing things right I.e. being generous, helpful, etc...

And give him clean time, just not when he needs to sleep but wants to have a conversation for 2 hours...

I also will teach him that sometimes I am just tired and need a break but that I love him tremendously all the time. And, that people in general may get mad for their own reasons but that he should not be always devastated...

And lastly will look up the book suggestion!

.....................................................................................

I am not saying this to be facetious at all.. but really it seems like for many just standard people problems this forum is extremely helpful and can save money on "professional help".

You can listen to advice that resonates with you and ignore possibly crazy/negative/judging comments.

So...

I recognized that there was a problem.
Davened... got some clarity that no, this is not the way I want to live/do things...
Asked for advice on behavior changes that I can realistically implement

And will daven for help to actually do what was suggested in addition to my ideas that I got in the process of thinking about this...

I also need to forgive myself for not being the perfect parent that I really really wanted to be. I do try my best all the time.. though clearly my best often falls short of perfection.

Honestly, I think that the key to everything is for me to get sleep and have some minimal alone time when I can "make a mommie" Smile

))