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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Someone keeps inviting me for shabbos.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 7:22 pm
Someone I know keeps inviting me for shabbos meals but I really dont want to go as DH doesnt know her or her husb nd I don't like her that much. I'm slowly running out of excuses. I just dont know how many more times I can say no. I need a good excuse to get out of it forever. I've managed to push it off now for a few months but then she'll ask me again.
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CPenzias




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 7:50 pm
Why can't you get out of your shell and go? Unless there's another reason besides not knowing them so well
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 8:06 pm
Yes there is another reason that I mentioned. I dont like this person very much.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 9:38 pm
amother wrote:
Someone I know keeps inviting me for shabbos meals but I really dont want to go as DH doesnt know her or her husb nd I don't like her that much. I'm slowly running out of excuses. I just dont know how many more times I can say no. I need a good excuse to get out of it forever. I've managed to push it off now for a few months but then she'll ask me again.


This is just such a not nice post. Go for one meal- it wont kill u.
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rachel91




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 9:44 pm
You don't like her, or you don't know her well enough and just assume she's not your type?

Did she actually do something to offend you?

If no, and you just don't like her or feel that she's not your type, I'd go.
Maybe you'll have fun after all.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 10:27 pm
I think it depends on the reason you don't like her. If you feel see is not a nice person, obnoxious, talks lashon hara, then I get why you don't want to go. If you just don't think she's your type or she's kinda boring, it would be nice if you accepted her invite.
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amother
Black


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 10:55 pm
Tell her that you don't like her very much, and would she please stop inviting you for meals.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 11:09 pm
You might discover that her dh is a great guy and that you really enjoy their company. Just go. It's one shabbos meal, not a lifetime commitment.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 11:35 pm
My husband and I don't do Shabbos meals with couples who are not close relatives
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amother
Gray


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 11:42 pm
amother wrote:
Tell her that you don't like her very much, and would she please stop inviting you for meals.


This. I invite people all the time for meals. I am friendly and social and want to get to know other people. I have a list of over 50 people I want to have over at some point. If for some reason someone doesn't like me I'd rather know about it so I don't waste my time.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 11:47 pm
unexpected wrote:
My husband and I don't do Shabbos meals with couples who are not close relatives

How is this helpful to OP? Obviously she and her dh do, otherwise she would have told her would-be hostess so and ge-endikte meiseh.
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chicco




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 15 2017, 11:59 pm
It's really difficult. Sure it's one shabbos meal, but shabbos is yours to enjoy too. If you can't come up with an excuse that will get you out of it for more than one week at a time, bite the bullet and have them over at your house. I always find this to be a preferable alternative.

You could also totally blame it on your husband or kids. My husband really likes to be at 2 o clock months at our shul. My husband has a hard time going to people he doesn't know well. My kids need friends their ages. My kids attack people's houses. My son bites. We have lots of dietary needs...

Good luck!
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chicco




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 12:00 am
PSA: if you invite someone more than twice and they give excuses each time and don't volunteer an alternative time- tell them you'd love to have them and they should reach out when it works for them.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 12:07 am
She said she wanted a permanent excuse
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 12:10 am
unexpected wrote:
She said she wanted a permanent excuse


Lying isn't helpful.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 12:47 am
chicco wrote:
PSA: if you invite someone more than twice and they give excuses each time and don't volunteer an alternative time- tell them you'd love to have them and they should reach out when it works for them.


You have to wonder why more people don't understand this. I use the "chazakah" rule, also known as the "three strikes and you're out" rule: if someone declines with a vague excuse three times in a row, I don't invite them any more. To invite repeatedly and miss the boat every time is a waste of my energy. If they never wanted to come at all, they're now off the hook, and if they get so many invitations that every time I call they're booked, they don't need my invitation anyway and I'd rather invite people who aren't so socially in demand.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 1:02 am
I personally think that if someone responds with a vague excuse even just one time, that means they aren't interested in coming, and I would just let it go and not invite them again. I've found that if people respond that they can't come that week but would like to take a raincheck, that means they are genuinely interested in coming to you. If they just give a vague answer, don't bother inviting again. My favorite excuse was when my dh invited a couple (he's friends with the husband) and the guy said he'll ask his wife, then came back with, "My wife likes to just lounge around on Shabbos, so we won't be able to come."
Lol! They couldn't think of a better one than that?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 1:04 am
amother wrote:
You have to wonder why more people don't understand this. I use the "chazakah" rule, also known as the "three strikes and you're out" rule: if someone declines with a vague excuse three times in a row, I don't invite them any more. To invite repeatedly and miss the boat every time is a waste of my energy. If they never wanted to come at all, they're now off the hook, and if they get so many invitations that every time I call they're booked, they don't need my invitation anyway and I'd rather invite people who aren't so socially in demand.


Agreed, unless the person makes it super clear that they really want to come or invites us after we have tried having them over a few times
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 4:55 am
unexpected wrote:
My husband and I don't do Shabbos meals with couples who are not close relatives


I'd say something similar to this. or "we don't often go out". "We find it hard with the kids" (if there are kids). "We prefer to stay home". "It's nothing to do with you, it's us, we just prefer to be at home".

Do you go out often to other people that you do like?. If so, then perhaps it's a bit too much of a lie.
If you don't socialize that much anyway, I think you can get away with it.
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CPenzias




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 5:04 am
Can I ask why you don't like her?
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