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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Someone keeps inviting me for shabbos.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 3:05 am
OP, if you have a solid reason for not liking her, then just tell her thanks but you aren't interested. It might be briefly uncomfortable, but it's much better than stringing her along.

For those of you who stop inviting after a vague excuse (or 3) - don't assume that people don't want to come because they have vague excuses. I had a miscarriage last year and really wasn't up to going out for a while, and how many times can I tell people I'm not feeling well or that it's just not a good week? Obviously, you shouldn't ask forever, but if someone is being vague, just wait 3 months and try again - sometimes people are going through things or having a busy time and asking them 3 times in a month is ineffective, but asking them only twice with a few months in between is a better option. Someone told me last year that she decided to invite me one last time and was going to give up because she was sure I didn't like her. It had nothing to do with her, and then I felt awful that she thought I disliked her just because I couldn't give her a clear reason for not wanting to come.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 3:55 am
amother wrote:
OP, if you have a solid reason for not liking her, then just tell her thanks but you aren't interested. It might be briefly uncomfortable, but it's much better than stringing her along.

For those of you who stop inviting after a vague excuse (or 3) - don't assume that people don't want to come because they have vague excuses. I had a miscarriage last year and really wasn't up to going out for a while, and how many times can I tell people I'm not feeling well or that it's just not a good week? Obviously, you shouldn't ask forever, but if someone is being vague, just wait 3 months and try again - sometimes people are going through things or having a busy time and asking them 3 times in a month is ineffective, but asking them only twice with a few months in between is a better option. Someone told me last year that she decided to invite me one last time and was going to give up because she was sure I didn't like her. It had nothing to do with her, and then I felt awful that she thought I disliked her just because I couldn't give her a clear reason for not wanting to come.


Sorry to hear about the miss. You could have said something like we'd love to have a meal with you but we're staying close to home for the next little bit. And then invite them when you're feeling up to it. Otherwise, yeah she'll think you don't like her.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 4:05 am
amother wrote:
Sorry to hear about the miss. You could have said something like we'd love to have a meal with you but we're staying close to home for the next little bit. And then invite them when you're feeling up to it. Otherwise, yeah she'll think you don't like her.


Sigh. . . Your post actually made me feel worse, by telling me it's my fault. All my excuses started with "We'd love to another week, but this week (insert reason here)", and in this case, we can't invite them to us because their family is bigger than our apartment (which I have mentioned to them). But if you do that 3 or 4 times, they still think you don't like them. It's one thing to think that they aren't interested in going out for meals, and another to decide they dislike you because they never accepted an invitation. There are a lot of assumptions one could make, and I think it's worthwhile to be dan l'kaf zechut about the other person's intentions. That doesn't mean you have to keep inviting them all the time if you have other priorities, it just means that you shouldn't write them off as potential friends just because they couldn't come the 3 times you asked.

My point was really that just because someone brushes you off a few times, doesn't mean it's personal. And this is also exactly why OP needs to be straight about it, because her inviter obviously thinks it's worthwhile to keep trying, so OP should just tell her so she stops bothering.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 4:51 am
amother wrote:
Sigh. . . Your post actually made me feel worse, by telling me it's my fault. All my excuses started with "We'd love to another week, but this week (insert reason here)", and in this case, we can't invite them to us because their family is bigger than our apartment (which I have mentioned to them). But if you do that 3 or 4 times, they still think you don't like them. It's one thing to think that they aren't interested in going out for meals, and another to decide they dislike you because they never accepted an invitation. There are a lot of assumptions one could make, and I think it's worthwhile to be dan l'kaf zechut about the other person's intentions. That doesn't mean you have to keep inviting them all the time if you have other priorities, it just means that you shouldn't write them off as potential friends just because they couldn't come the 3 times you asked.

My point was really that just because someone brushes you off a few times, doesn't mean it's personal. And this is also exactly why OP needs to be straight about it, because her inviter obviously thinks it's worthwhile to keep trying, so OP should just tell her so she stops bothering.


I really, truly didn't mean to make you feel bad. A thousand apologies.

You can also be straight about why you're not going without giving away too much. Someone in the family is getting over an illness, so we'll have to pass for now. But we'd really love to get together in a bit.

Or you can find another way to socialize or at least show the person you care. Even forwarding a newspaper article she might find interesting would work.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 4:55 am
You don't owe neither an invite nor to go.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 5:28 am
Ruchel wrote:
You don't owe neither an invite nor to go.


This.
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