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DD is embarrassed: should I quit?
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:12 am
DD has always been embarrassed if I sing/hum when she has friends around or if there is anyone else besides just us in the house. Not because I sing badly but because kids are embarrassed of their parents and this is her "thing".

I teach in the school she is going to next year and will be teaching her grade. The irony? I teach music! I don't know how she will manage, she doesn't either and is not looking forward to it at all.

What to do? I could quit, it's not like I'm making a whole lot of money there and I don't love the job so I wouldn't be upset. But is it the right thing to do? Besides for the responsibility I have to the school, to back out at this late stage, am I teaching her that I'd do anything for her (in a negative way I mean)? If I somehow manage to get permission for her not to be in my class would that affect her negatively as well? Is there another way around this besides for dropping out?

As a teenager your self respect means a lot and I don't want to ruin her school experience.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:18 am
I'm not telling you to quit, but I just wanted to say that my mother taught me in high school. It was h#ll. Please try find a way around /out of teaching her
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:18 am
No, you don't change your work for your child as long as it's a respectable work. I had friends whose parents taught their class. They are still alive.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:19 am
Maybe you can convince the school to allow her to have a free period instead of taking your class, or to take another subject instead.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:20 am
Ruchel wrote:
No, you don't change your work for your child as long as it's a respectable work. I had friends whose parents taught their class. They are still alive.



LOL!! Obviously she'll be alive.. I don't think that's the point.
Do we want our children to just survive? Just stay alive?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:26 am
Language block LOL. They did fine! some loved the idea, some didn't, but they all did fine not just survive. Teens dramatize things... if anything she might feel guilty later making life hard for you. Maybe it'ss cultural. My children have zero say in my (respectable) job.
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:28 am
I would discuss it with your principal. Tell her how uncomfortable this is going to make your daughter and your concerns that it will impact the relationship. This issue comes up all the time. Some mothers choose to teach their daughters and some don't there is no one right answer.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 9:33 am
I just had to post this. A few years back, someone wrote into the Metropolitan Diary column of the NY Times that he had observed the following scene in the Hamptons.

A girl of about 11, ice cream cone in hand, is walking alongside a man, clearly her father. The father is humming.
Girl: Could you please not sing in public? It's so embarrassing.

It would have been a totally ordinary scene, but the father was Billy Joel.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 11:09 am
I had 2 girls in my high school class whose mother's taught in the school. They didn't seem to mind but I felt bad for 1 of them because her mom kind of teased her. DH is the son of a principal and he was sent to a different school so that there wouldn't be any issues. I think a lot depends on the relationship and the personalities involved.

How serious a class is music? If you're strict and give grades then I can envision problems if your daughter is in your class. If it's just a fun elective then I would imagine there would be less issues as long as you treat your daughter just like all the other students.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 11:29 am
I'm with Ruchel. Your dc doesn't get to choose your employment. Embarrassment is a fairly constant state at that age.If it weren't your music it would be your mode of dress or hairstyle or accent or the fact that you exist.

Your dd will just have to tough it out. She'll survive and just maybe develop some character strength. Don't let the tail wag the dog here.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 11:33 am
As a fellow music teacher, I feel for you.

While I never personally had your current dilemma (my kids were proud of my singing, it was other areas where the teens found me mortifying), it certainly is not uncommon.

Have you spoken with her about it? I think the first step to decision making is gathering more information.

Would she be embarrassed at being in your class?
At being excused but knowing that her classmates we're in your class?
Would she be worried she'd be singled out for either criticism or praise?
Would she not know what to say when her friends talked about you as their teacher?

The other helpful thing is to speak to colleagues in your school to ask how they have handled the situation.

In many cases, after a lot of anxiety, everyone finds the reality is not so bad.

But you say you don't enjoy that job. If she weren't a factor, why might you stay or leave? Can you think that piece through?

It's early enough in the summer that if you are thinking of quitting, now is the time. So, this post is timely. Make a list of weighted pros and cons, and see where it leads you.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 11:47 am
I don't think you need to stop singing in your house or quit your job but I do think that teaching your own child may be problematic. Not sure what the solution is.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 12:26 pm
I don't post often, but I felt I must let you know my personal experience. My sister taught me in 8th grade. I love her, was so proud of her, and thought it would be a wonderful experience. She ended up not having control, the girls were mean, and I was so so angry at all my "friends". It really impacted me and I ended up losing my whole social standing and had some other repercussions.

Additionally, I once heard a well-known psychologist speak about this topic. The person mentioned teaching her own child. This psychologist was extremely against it. The person claimed that sometimes you don't have a choice. Her answer? You have a choice, the question is what comes at what expense? Teaching your own child can be very damaging.

I do think this is a huge factor in your decision. It's not showing a child that they can wrap you around their finger; it is taking them as people seriously, taking their life seriously, it is knowing what this could do for a child at that age, and it is protecting them because you care about them, and because they matter to you. Jobs come and go but your child's life is impacted by every decision you make and this situation could just snowball out of control. Unfortunately later on one can't undo previous actions and fixing up a difficult situation is much harder.

I'd like to wish you lots of siyatta dishmaya to do the right thing.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 1:39 pm
we are switching my sons yeshiva for next year 10th grade, so he will not have my husband as a rebbe. I may not do it for all kids but for him it is of paramount importance. (he will travel 45 minutes each way)
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 2:00 pm
I live OOT. Tons of my friends had their mothers as teachers. It's so common here.

If you teach music, I assume you can carry a tune...so why is your daughter so embarrassed?

If there's an easy fix, discuss it with the school, but there's no way I would go out of my way...or quit!...just because my daughter was being a typical teen.

BTW...loved the Billy Joel story above! That just shows you that teens will be teens no matter what.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 2:14 pm
Ugh, teens! At wits end

My DD loved it when I sang to her, from the time she was a baby. As a toddler, it was always "one more song!" As she got older, we'd sing together all day long.

Then one day, she said to me "Mama, don't sing! It's embarrassing!" Every teen goes through this stage. I told her "I sing because it makes me happy. I am not going to stop singing for you, but I'll keep it to myself if your friends come over." That was the only concession I was willing to make for her newfound sensitivity.

As for teaching, that's trickier. When DD was younger I proposed home schooling to her, and she said "You can't teach me. You're not a teacher, you're my MAMA!" Not because she thought I was incapable of teaching, but because she couldn't picture me in that role. She needed someone less emotionally involved to keep her on track because she knew that she was a difficult student. An "easy" child might be a very different story, and no problem at all.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 2:22 pm
My friends mother teaches in high school, all her daughters skipped her class. (It was an extra carricular class, not very important.) Is this an option?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 2:41 pm
if it was history, I would understand ... but music not so much

on a side note I would walk my daughter to school & pick her up every single day [except when she was by her dad] ... until one day in 6th grade she got embarrassed ~ the end
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 4:27 pm
I took on a long term subbing job and taught my daughter's class. I quit midway because of the social issues it caused for my daughter.

No, I haven't stopped singing at home but I will bli Neder never teach another one of my childre in a school setting
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 16 2017, 5:07 pm
Thank you everyone for your replies. Seems to be a mixed response. I'm still very unsure.

If she doesn't attend my classes, she will still be singled out, the only one not part of performances we do, always sitting in another class obviously because she doesn't want to attend music. Is that really any better? And if her class is talking about something that happened during music, good or bad, is it better that she not know what they're talking about because she wasn't there?

I just feel like this will affect her school experience in some way and I really want her to enjoy school, not dread it.
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