Son misses bus every single day without fail.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:16 am

Please listen to what imasinger said about the meds. Do you and he fully understand how they work, how much time they take to kick in, and the side effects of making it harder to get to sleep? If the meds are not in his system (is he has taken them but they haven't kicked in yet) in the morning when he needs to concentrate but he has ADD, then he is trying to get out un- medicated , which could be unfair or impossible if the ADD is severe. At the other end of the day, if the meds have worn off but the inability to fall asleep side effect is still there, he wont be able to fall asleep, leaving him tired in the morning- a vicious cycle. He may beef melatonin, or some other medication adjustment.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:18 am

amother wrote:

I think your handling it all wrong. What kid can get up at 6:00 without help from parent? You know your kid has issues and your gonna expect him to get up at 6:00 with no problems? I have to basically force my kids out of bed at 7:15. If I simply say that if you go to sleep late, it's your problem and I'm not waking you up, they'd be very late every single day. Look, your kid has some issues. He's gonna need your help in the morning. If you leave it all to him you can expect this unnecessary problem to continue. Hatslacha.

Thanks for the encouragement that I handle it all wrong. It's heartwarming.
And then, when You get your kids out of bed, do you also take them out the door to the bus stop at 12 years old?

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:19 am

amother wrote:

He takes melatonin. No problem falling asleep, once he gets into bed. It's only till he gets into that bed.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:24 am

amother wrote:

Thanks for the encouragement that I handle it all wrong. It's heartwarming.
And then, when You get your kids out of bed, do you also take them out the door to the bus stop at 12 years old?

My son who very very smart but has autism needs to be taken to the bus stop every day even though he is a teenager. His younger brother, less successful academically at the moment but without autism, would be mortified for his friends to see me if I took him to the bustop.

Chanich et hanaat lefidarko

Every child is different.

But I don't think you are "handling it all wrong". Just in a very very difficult situation. Very hard to know the correct approach to take.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:28 am

amother wrote:

Is your son embarrased to be taken to the bus? At my son's stop there are 10 bochorim, and 10 boys his age. He doesn't stand out in day to day life. If I take him to the bus, I make him sound weird. I might win the war, but loose the child.

DrMom

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:29 am

I think you need to be more firm.

Does he have an alarm clock?

Quote:

This is (was) another daily argument. I want him to be out of the house 3 minutes before his bus comes. He still has to walk up the block. He argues that it's pointless. I felt like I'm getting nowhere with the constant arguments. I thought the only way he might begin to listen to my opinions, and to authority on general, would be by letting him feel the taste of the consequences.

Tell him that you are not going to argue with him about what is pointless and not pointless. He has responsibilities. One of them is going to school. You pay tuition for him, you pay for his bus, and you expect him to show up on time. No buts!

You tell him you are willing to help him get there on time. Help him set up a chart, a series of timers/buzzers, a to-do list, etc. He can build the list or chart with you.

But the outcome must be that he shows up on time.

As for paying him: I suppose that is one way to incentivize him, but "lots of money?" That's ridiculous. Presumably, you are already paying "lots of money" to send him to school. He doesn't get to extort you.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:31 am

amother wrote:

Is your autistic son embarrased to be taken to the bus? At my son's stop there are 10 bochorim, and 10 boys his age. He doesn't stand out in day to day life. If I take him to the bus, I make him sound weird. I might win the war, but loose the child.

Not embarrassed at all. He wants it. And needs it - doesn't cope otherwise. YMMV , my point is that everyone is different, that's all.

And just btw, he is not"autistic". He is a beautiful, smart person who happens to have autism.

amother

White

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:35 am

I think right now you need to stop thinking in terms of what the average 12 year old should be able to do. ADHD means he is NOT developmentally on par with his peers and needs more help than a neurotypical 12 year old. It doesn't mean you're still going to need to wake him up and get him to class on time when he's 20, but it does mean you need to be more hands on for the time being even if his peers' parents are able to step back more at this point. Does he only see a psychiatrist or does he also get behavioral therapy? I would look into that. Also, many behavioral therapists offer parent training, which is really helpful. One of my kids has both ADHD and autism and I have to use a different set of tools with him than with my neurotypical children. Parent training is so helpful- it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it helps you learn techniques for when "the usual" doesn't work.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:36 am

amother wrote:

Can you give him the melatonin earlier?

I give it to him timely.
While I'm writing, I realize there are so many corners here. If all goes smoothly till one point, he still has a chance to run late at another point.
Because even when he's ready on time, he just leaves home 3 minutes late.
Maybe I have to continue to walk him out the door, physically. And then he feels like hes a child. I think here's where I don't know where the line is drawn. I want to give him his space, but he still needs guidance on Every step. I dont want choke him, but he feels choked by any form of authority. In best case, he just does not obey.

jewish613

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:37 am

Have you tried setting aside a mutually agreeable time to calmly and lovingly sit and problem-solve with him? It seems like getting to the bus on time is something he would like to be able to do, and that he is unhappy that he's suffering the daily consequences. So he should be motivated to help come up with a solution. Can you say something like "I see how hard it is for you to get to the bus on time and how important it is for you be able to do so. You're trying so hard to be responsible. I'm sure if we put our heads together we can figure out a system that works. What do you think could help you get to the bus on time?" Make a list of every possible solution that either of you come up with, even if it seems ridiculous at first. It should get the brainstorming flowing. At the end you can go through the list together and decide which solution(s) you want to try implementing first. You can then re-evaluate after 1-2 weeks to see if you need to tweak your initial plan.

I think this sort of conversation may help strike the balance of him feeling responsible for implementing the plan (since he will take part in making it), while giving you the opportunity for some parental input if needed. He may also be more willing to try out some of your ideas if he sees you're willing to entertain some of his.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:41 am

amother wrote:

He's in behavioral therapy. I'd love to hear suggestions of therapists specializing in ADD.
Ty.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:43 am

jewish613 wrote:

Every conversation so far, once it goes to his issues, runs into an argument, if I let it. That's the reason I dropped it now.
I'd love to get parental guidance specifically for ADD.
Any suggestions?

amother

Apricot

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:48 am

amother wrote:

Doesn't he stand out by being late every single day?

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 8:51 am

thanks wrote:

I have a 12yr old son. He also misses the bus often. I've come to learn that many 6 and 7 graders come to school with the later bus. School doesn't like it, but it's common. Once bar mitzvah the boys need to make sure to make the Minyan bus.

Thanks for making me feel a bit normal. Its goid to know someone else is going through missing buses saga.
There are always 3 -4 boys coming late, but its not the same boys. He sais nobody comes late as often as him.
He wants to come early. He loves the learning early morning. When it comes to solutions tho, he's not open for discussion.
Minyan starts at 8-9 so I'm not worried for that yet. LOL

amother

White

Tue, Jul 18 2017, 9:05 am

amother wrote:

He's in behavioral therapy. I'd love to hear suggestions of therapists specializing in ADD.
Ty.

My kid with ADHD is only 6 so he still gets most of his therapy through the district. Also because he has autism he gets ABA therapy (not sure if this is used for ADHD alone, but the 2 often go hand in hand and ADHD is considered neurodivergent just like autism, so maybe it's worth looking into). You'd probably want to find someone who specializes in adolescents.