I just can't it. this was the last straw

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Forum -> Working Women

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amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 4:44 am

I've posted here about this issue before. and it comes across I think that I am very shallow, which I'm not.

I have been working in a medical specialists office for a number of years with only one co worker. we are long and good friends. she is not jewish. but we shared a lot of personal things about each other's lives ie kids, husbands, lifestyles etc as it was also a safe place to unburdon.

she is the main office person, and I am the second part timer. I work 3 full days and she works full time. I can definitely do more in terms of responsibility but as she is the 'office manager' , she is the second in command to the 2 doctors working there.

over the past 3 years or so she has become very fit, and exercises daily. she wears very short skirts, tight leggings, and has beautiful upper body muscles as well. she also has very beautiful skin with no blemishes and shows it off proudly. her beauty is in my face daily and I have a very hard time with that. why? people ask me why. it's just hard to see her, and I inevitably feel life the office frump. even though I can feel good about myself when getting ready for work, until I step into that office door. it's not only that, it's the fact that there is nothing about ME there at work that is ME. I can't explain it. but anyone can do what I do there. but she is always the one that does the important, responsible work. She knows I can handle more work on my plate, and despite the fact that our bosses have told her to show me and teach me more, she kind of wants to control her territory. I am terribly over qualified and am constantly looking for another job online. but nobody wants to hire a 51 year old secretary. and I do need the income, I can't just quit.

Yesterday I found out that she is getting a mini tummy tuck. for her 'loose skin'.
I almost died. I cannot take her obsession with herself and I am totoally obsessed with her toned gorgeous body. I admit it. I do not want to be there at work to cover for her when she has this major surgery and see the outcome. I've always wanted a breast reduction, since I'm 16 years old. but she always discouraged me saying the recovery and scars are not worth it.

I feel very misunderstood by the people I've shared this with. think of something that you want and it's in your face every day. I tried to explain it to my husband so that he could kinda get it. say like he works next to a very successful guy , just him and this guy every day. and this guy is the go to at work where everyone asks for and my dh is a poor slob who just sits there answering phones. this guy has made it financially and money keeps coming in for him and deals are made left right and centre. and then he wins the lottery and says to my dh - you reallly dont need the money like me. I could use the money way more than you.

still not sure if he can get where I'm coming from, but I tried.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 5:29 am

I really don't want to come across as callous or something, but I find it hard to understand why the way someone else looks is so important. I'm the oldest person in my office and I'm surrounded by men and women half my age who naturally look younger and fitter. So I'm the fat grandma lump among them but I'm also in a senior position. My DH loves me the way I am, that is what counts. Of course I 'm often a bit unhappy with my appearance - think overweight. But I don't let that spoil my day. Assuming that your co-worker indeed does look "better" than you do, does that matter to anyone? I mean, she's not going to run off with your hubby, is she? Your employer is not going to fire you because you are only the second best looking secretary, is he? Do you think customers/patients care about it? Even if they did, would it matter? And I think you should focus on your strengths, your brain, your organizational talent and all that. That's more important than looks. Think 20 years ahead - even your co-worker is going to get older and flabbier eventually. Everyone does. Hope my rant helped a bit.

imasinger

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 5:41 am

It might help to analyze your feelings, OP.

Are you more jealous of her transformation, or shaking your head at her obsession?

Is your inner critic beating you up because you don't look "good enough"?

Understanding yourself will make it easier to be in the same room with her.

About her control issues -- I think you are not being treated with proper respect if she is like that. I hope you find something better! Don't stop looking.

Iymnok

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 5:51 am

Do you feel that she is keeping you back so she will look better?
-not training you and giving you more responsibilities,
-discouraging cosmetic surgery,
-constantly talking about her positive physical aspects,
-etc.

Can you respond in your head, no need to say it, "that's nice I hope you enjoy it". And leave it there.
You are as obsessed with her body as she is. Find a way to step back and appreciate yourself.
You are doing a great job at your work. You will do even better with more responsibilities. You know that you are amazing and you are beautiful. Even more so because you don't flaunt it.
Even if she can't see beyond herself, YOU could!

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 5:55 am

You sound very very sad and frustrated op. I feel your pain. Meaning- I can feel the pain that you are describing dripping from your words. Big big hugs to you.

You wrote this post not on any old website, but here on imamother. So can I assume therefore, that you are an orthodox Jew?. You believe in G-d.? Do you know that G-d loves you more than anything? Unconditionally just because you are His beloved child? Do you understand that EVERYTHING that happens that is not you expressing your yirat shamayim is completely out of your control? But it is in control of Hashem, the power who created the universe and all that is in it, and who renews every day always His creations?

Deep breath. Hashem put this person, this skinny, gorgeous, and annoying person in your path For You. Because He LOVES *YOU*! Somehow that person is there to help you grow. To help you connect to Him.

Can you daven to.Hashem, ask Him to give you clarity of what it is that you are supposed to learn by having this co-worker.? Or to help you understand in what way she is a kapparra for you?

Then, next time you go in to work, go with a more, let's say, reflective attitude. Oh- she walked in. I feel sick. Then, instead of saying "that's terrible!", try to say "that's interesting. What can I learn from this experience ?"

May you find clarity & joy in this situation real real soon.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:02 am

I have been trying to analyze my thoughts and feelings to make sense of all this.

So I'm the fat grandma lump among them but I'm also in a senior position.

u are in a senior position, im sure very well deserved and get compensated for it. I wish!!
I can do so much more and would if I only had the chance. it's not only the physical that I am having a hard time with, its the unchallenging role as well. it's only me and her there - nobody else to distract me from the orders I have to take from her, even though she tells me what to do or not do in a very nice tone. but bottom line is, I do take my orders from her.
I often catch numerous mistakes that she makes, she doesn't pay attention to detail like I do.
and she knows it.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:06 am

Maybe she is there to actually be the last straw that pushes you from complacency to go out and GET THAT NEW JOB. Her becoming skinny etc wasn't enough - maybe the tummy tuck will do the trick and get you outta there?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:14 am

I sure hope so ive been wanting to leave for a long time

shes not skinny , shes toned, fit and I must admit I am very jealous of her.
her obsession of herself makes me very angry. I am pretty and look good, but don't feel good about myself, inside and out.

I hate myself for feeling this way. she does not inspire me to get into shape and feel good, I actually feel no matter what, it won't make a dif anyway.

and the fact that I feel like a joe shmo there, makes it really really hard.

I have no dreams anymore. I feel very alone and horrible

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:21 am

amother wrote:

I hate myself for feeling this way.....

and the fact that I feel like a joe shmo there, makes it really really hard.

I have no dreams anymore. I feel very alone and horrible

All these bits I have quoted are keeping you stuck.

And they have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

They are all about you.

Remember - that wonderful you that Hashem loves so much? I think maybe you forgot that.

DVOM

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:33 am

amother wrote:

Hi OP,

I remember your other post about this co-worker. I'm so sorry that you're still in the same sad, jealous, angry, resentful place with her.

Of course, it's hard to sit day in and day out next to someone who you perceive as more beautiful, more successful, and more powerful than you. Your co-worker can do anything she wants! She makes all the decisions at work! She takes charge of her body, changing things she doesn't like! You, on the other hand, have to do what she tells you...The bolded line jumped out at me. That's a terrible place to be in OP. Maybe that is your starting point. Think back to the last time you felt hopeful and dreamy. Aside from a boob job ( Wink

) what were your dreams? What's stopping you from going for them? At work, you need to listen to what your co-worker tells you to do, but outside of that domain, you can do anything you want. Get that breast reduction if that's something you've always wanted. What else might make you happy?

crust

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:42 am

Why would you think nobody needs a 51 year old to work for them?
You have so much to offer. Maybe get a career coach? I feel you need an outside influence to get you from the place you are to the place you want to be.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 6:48 am

I do like to be mentally challenged and love to read and learn about history and people and that facinates me. all my life I was never thought of as smart and in school I failed every subject. but I know now that I am smart and understand things.

but then I get over powered by my yetzer hara when I go to work and see what's there . you see I don't have a foundation of postive feelings for myself from my childhood (a whole other story) and I feel so lost.

it's very demoralizing. and my strengths don't overpower my weaknesses and I get pulled down and depressed and self hate overtakes me.

I know, therapy therapy therapy. well. I don't have 200 per hour to pay for therapy. yes that's the cost. I did call jfcs the other day and I put my name down on the wait list. they told me 100 per hour was their rate. we'll see....

amother

Rose

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 7:35 am

I understand you, OP.

I am 48. I do not like to think of myself as vain or shallow. I dress frumpy (long black skirt) and use no cosmetics and I don't care to change these things.

BUT

I am kind of secretly obsessed with my body and am always comparing myself to others.
Don't be so hard on yourself for being human.

It sounds like a hard situation you are in with the coworker that you have which is making things worse for you.

naomi2

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 7:36 am

Op, I feel terrible for you it's really painful to feel like the only one "stuck" while everyone else moves ahead. Therapy is great when needed but I think nothing will help more than getting a new job. I know you've tried before but don't give up! You deserve to be happy every day and show what you are capable of doing.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 8:12 am

I get you. I really do.
Not that this will help you but as I go through life I keep finding that those that I have been jealous of or intimidated by or felt inferior to have their own challenges, some quite ugly.
But I know where you are coming from and I can relate to your pain.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 8:46 am

Thanks for all your replies and 'getting me'.
I am on a major job hunt today.

Let's hope I get what I need.

Please G-d be kind to me.
My life is so hard (outside of this) and I deserve more happiness and joy than I am experiencing.

I have stopped believing in anyone or anything. And I am not even talking about this. I don't count my blessings even though I should.

I am very very stuck .

Orchid

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 8:54 am

She is no more obsessed with her looks than you are obsessed with her looks.

You seem to be taking her good looks as a personal slap in the face to your average look. Like she to works out JUST so she can "shtuch" you that you're not fit. She told you not to have cosmetic surgery JUST so she can shtuch you with hers.

You also feel bad because she orders around in a condescending way, refuses to give up her responsibilities, etc. These are legitimate reasons for dreading work and wanting to to look elsewhere. And I think you should look elsewhere for this reason.

Try to separate this issue from her good looks. You can always find something to be jealous about, even in another job (which I recommend you look for). Maybe your new coworker at another job will have the most amazing, helpful, kind, prince of a husband who makes yours look like a shlub. Or the greatest kids in the world...and so on and so forth.

Orchid

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 8:55 am

amother wrote:

Much hatzlacha in finding happiness.

friends_89

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 2:11 pm

Op I feel terrible that you feel this way. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I may know of an office manager/secretary job in a doc office that may be for you based on your work experience as you described. Please pm me if interested.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Jul 20 2017, 2:21 pm

It does sound like therapy would benefit you. Do you have insurance? Search for a therapist who takes your insurance it will be so much cheaper.

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