How to teach child communication skills?

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 11:38 am

My DD is 10. She doesn't communicate normally at all.
She yells over the the other person to come out strong, she always talks angry and in nervous tones.
She also us an upside down way of thinking so that everyone is always wrong and she's always right.

Sigh. It's hard to live with it.
How can I teach her communication skills? How will she ever get along with us, with friends, and eventually a spouse and her own children?

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 12:08 pm

I was your daughter when I was little. Later as an adult I grew up and realized that I was going through a lot of emotional abuse by an adult, which of course you are not allowed to answer back because then it is chutzpah. So it came out this way that I would yell at my loved ones instead. I was known to be a stubborn kid and I would not listen to anyone. It was my way of crying in pain. I never cried because then I would be ridiculed that it's all my fault. So I started to not cry every time I was abused because I had to show that I am strong. Really that is very dangerous because then you don't know how to show feelings when you need to and it comes out in different ways- anger, depression, anxiety etc.
I learned to be assertive and say my needs and not allow myself to be stepped on. And that stopped my anger and hurt.
I recommend her learning how to be assertive and that will help her. I know people they may be able to help her but depends where you live.
It appears more that its anger management and assertiveness then communication skills.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 12:28 pm

Dear oP- how are your communication skills?
I once heard a mother say that she's allowed to talk this way to her children but they're not allowed to talk this way to her.
In that mother's case, it can be said her children learned poor communication skills from her.
Not saying it's true in your case.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 12:35 pm

The two best ways I know of teaching are modeling, and gently correcting.

"Please put away your things."

"NO! I'm busy, and they're fine where they are!"

"In this house, we need to talk calmly and respectfully. I think you want to politely ask for a few more minutes before you clean up, can you try that?"

"Fine, canI have 10 more minutes?"

"Actually, we have to leave really soon. But you can take 5 minutes, then clean up, OK?"

"That's not enough time! Why are you always so mean? You said you were going to let me have 10 more minutes, and now you won't!"

"Remember -- in this house, we speak respectfully. How can you communicate that you would like more time, and what other solutions could there be?"

Etc.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 1:11 pm

My communication skills aren't perfect but I'm trying.
Imasinger- I've been trying to talk to her like that for years! Nothing changed she's only getting worse.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 1:18 pm

Get her evaluated for speech and language, ASAP. Therapy can work wonders.

Has she been evaluated for Aspergers? DH has that, and he's loud and interrupts people all the time. He's always right, and very bull-headed. If he had S&L as a child, I think he would be very different.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 1:54 pm

imasinger wrote:

OP, can you give an example of how things go?

She's just always talking angry to her parents and siblings. Even friends in school many times.
She's always right. Always. Even when we all stare and laugh at how wrong she is.
She sounds like a crazy person.
Always blaming others.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 1:57 pm

amother wrote:

This is beyond a "communication problem". Fixing her tone of voice won't change things.

Google "theory of mind" and see if it fits.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 2:29 pm

This can happen when trauma gets stuck in the nervous system and rather than be properly discharged, it's discharged this way.
Non verbal therapy for trauma might be something to research.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 2:40 pm

It's confusing because DH keeps saying it's not so bad, she'll grow out of it. So it gets me thinking if he's right.
She does have a good heart and is so sweet when in a good mood.
But 75 percent of the time she isn't.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 2:44 pm

Sounds like DH doesn't want to admit there's a problem.

Getting it checked into hurts nobody, and could help her significantly.

Of course, explaining to her about evaluation may be difficult, too.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 2:52 pm

It sounds like she is suffering a lot inside. It could be from an internal problem or an external problem, but either way you should take her to a child psychologist, both to find out if there is an underlying problem or not, as well as to help her learn coping skills for her emotions and how to function better. Even if there is no major problem, a psychologist can help with the coping skills and interactions in her life.

MagentaYenta

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 4:12 pm

amother wrote:

I would suggest you stop mocking your own child and ensure that other family members don't do it either. How cruel, this kid is obviously struggling and you laugh and mock her? shock

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 4:19 pm

amother wrote:

This was so me as a child. OMG. What made it worse when my parents called me meshuga.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 5:39 pm

amother wrote:

This was so me as a child. OMG. What made it worse when my parents called me meshuga.

Did you ever get help? Are you a good communicator now? Any tips for me?

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 7:23 pm

amother wrote:

Did you ever get help? Are you a good communicator now? Any tips for me?

Yes I am an excellent communicator. B"H. I gave tips in the beginning. Anger management and being assertive. A women named Feigy Russ
(646) 416-2084 she is very good with kids and teens and specializes in anger. She is in Flatbush though.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Aug 01 2017, 7:26 pm

Also it's very common that the father of the child usually denies that there's even a problem and they don't like to face it. they are very not for therapy.