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Punishment
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 8:58 pm
Hi.my ds is 7 almost 8 and firstly is very physical .. uses his hands a lot on his siblings and than wen given a punishment cant follow through . For example if he hit a sibling and I told him he has to leave the room and either sit on the steps or go to his room for five minutes he says no. I thAn say if you don't go the punishment will lengthen to 10 minutes and so on. He doesn't care. It seems like nothing phases him . I'll than say if u don't go you may loose out on something bigger like the next family outing .he still won't go. Very stubborn . And than I finally have to resort to physically dragging him to keep to my word so I don't look weak. But he gets physical and hurts me and he's stronger than me! I can't seem to find a way to punish him that is actually a threat to him . How can I get him to understand that even if he can't understand why he has to do xyz if a parent says to do so than just follow suit and after when calm and the punishment is taken we can talk . In the moment is not the proper time to have a discussion . But he won't Take the punishment in a normal fashion and it jsut escalates into a physical situation and than we have an angry child and no lesson learnt! This happens daily.. any advise would be helpful. Thx
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amother
Copper


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:00 pm
Sounds like you need professional help. Have you ever spoken with a child psychologist?
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amother
Olive


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:09 pm
amother wrote:
Sounds like you need professional help. Have you ever spoken with a child psychologist?


I think a good parenting book or course is more called for here.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:12 pm
[see a generation or two ago the father would just get out a leather strap and give him 5 very hard smacks and that would be the end of it. But we can't do that now]

Similar problems. Following.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:15 pm
Hi yes I've met with a social worker thinking there's an underlying anxiety with him as I was finding him to have some trouble initiating friendships and in general socially about a year ago . She felt there was nothing wrong with him . If it's not affecting him at school or day to day you don't treat a "difficult child"... not sure I fully agree though and she only met my child once before dismissing him . She felt like a lot of these situations need to be avoided . Like don't say go to ur room when you know u can't follow through. So he should walk around bothering everyone all day with no reapricusion?!? I've gone to Reb Spetner course but I find parenting classes in general caters to the average child and the approaches are very broad. For the testy difficult child most of their approaches don't work ..
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amother
Copper


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:21 pm
Ok, that social worker sounds.. not very competent. You don't need a label or medication, you just need a more effective way of relating to him, and him relating to others. I don't know that it's even necessary for him to ever meet with the therapist, but you definitely need some guidance yourself. I would try someone else. And parenting books and courses are great, but the situation you describe really needs some personalized advice with follow up.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:23 pm
As kids all we had to SEE was my father START to unbuckle his belt and we obeyed! No smacking nescesary! Different generation!
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:24 pm
I think the explosive child method could really help. You can start at www.livesinthebalance.org.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:28 pm
amother wrote:
Ok, that social worker sounds.. not very competent. You don't need a label or medication, you just need a more effective way of relating to him, and him relating to others. I don't know that it's even necessary for him to ever meet with the therapist, but you definitely need some guidance yourself. I would try someone else. And parenting books and courses are great, but the situation you describe really needs some personalized advice with follow up.

Exactly! Agree 100 percent! But sadly a competent Lcsw in New Jersey is hard to come by.. any recommendations would be greatly appreciated
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:30 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I think the explosive child method could really help. You can start at www.livesinthebalance.org.

Ty! Actually have her book . Purchased years ago when going through tough times with dd.. I guess I should wipe off the dust and get reading...
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:32 pm
I've recently become a fan of Dr. Laura Markham. I'm still trying to put into practice, but in general her ideas make so much sense to me. It's not exactly the same situation, but does the following resonate with you?

http://www.ahaparenting.com/as.....table

Hatzlacha!
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:43 pm
Here's another one:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/as.....y-hit

Her website is full of interesting articles and useful info. Try browsing and see what you think of her ideas.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:54 pm
amother wrote:
I've recently become a fan of Dr. Laura Markham. I'm still trying to put into practice, but in general her ideas make so much sense to me. It's not exactly the same situation, but does the following resonate with you?

http://www.ahaparenting.com/as.....table

Hatzlacha!

Yes! This describes him and the way my home looks these days to a T!
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 9:55 pm
Here's one more:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/as.....tting
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tf




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 10:02 pm
Too much power struggle going on. Place a whole deal of attention on increasing positive relationships with him and all children in general. This includes private time EVERY SINGLE DAY, discussions about anything and everything, playing games, etc.
The book "stories straight from Avi's heart" followed by questions 1 - when did we feel this way? 2- what are our choices for dealing with the feeling. 3 - which of these choices are most constructive and positive.
Structure by keeping to schedule (knowing the routine) on the clock.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 10:14 pm
tf wrote:
Too much power struggle going on. Place a whole deal of attention on increasing positive relationships with him and all children in general. This includes private time EVERY SINGLE DAY, discussions about anything and everything, playing games, etc.
The book "stories straight from Avi's heart" followed by questions 1 - when did we feel this way? 2- what are our choices for dealing with the feeling. 3 - which of these choices are most constructive and positive.
Structure by keeping to schedule (knowing the routine) on the clock.

I feel like with him no matter how much attention I giv it's never enough! I play games all Shabbos with him and I rest with him every night in his bed when I tuck him in and we shmooze about his day.. my dh takes him out for special time wen able but still all this doesn't stop him from walking over to a sibling and hitting them for no reason at all or becaus they have something he wants and he doesn't feel it nescesary to use words and express that he wants it . He'll just go grab it out of their hand and than it turns physical. It's almost like he enjoys the negative attention he'll get out of it!
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Aug 06 2017, 10:27 pm
tf wrote:
Too much power struggle going on. Place a whole deal of attention on increasing positive relationships with him and all children in general. This includes private time EVERY SINGLE DAY, discussions about anything and everything, playing games, etc.
The book "stories straight from Avi's heart" followed by questions 1 - when did we feel this way? 2- what are our choices for dealing with the feeling. 3 - which of these choices are most constructive and positive.
Structure by keeping to schedule (knowing the routine) on the clock.


Excellent "tf"!!! -
I was just going to post the same - that be'H for the new couple of weeks dwell only on his positive side. Look for ways to compliment him.
e.g. one of my sweetie grandaughters ke'h has a tough/strong nature and if my daughter would harp on it continuously, she'd be having head-bang-head power struggles every day, all day, with her.
She's a real sweet 3 yr. old toughie ke'h.
Several times when my granddaughter came to visit us and started pulling toys away from her cousins or sibs. saying it's hers, be'H I would call out, "look how R is playing so nice - she's sharing the toys with everyone." She looked at me, and I smiled to her, and she started playing nicely.

And the "toughie behavior" repeated itself again and again and again, and each time, I tried very hard, to find something complimentary to say.

Of course I complimented my other grandchildren too, it shouldn't seem that all the attention is on her, and that they shouldn't get jealous.

And Baruch Hashem she's become much kinder and really plays nicely with other kids. ke'h.
There was also a time when she was smacking other kids, and b'H she stopped it.

OP dear, I didn't in any way mean to imply that you don't compliment your son; I'm sure that
you do. I was just trying to suggest a way that could work, and that worked be'H with my g/daughter.

Also, since you mention that your sweet son had social problems, perhaps it would be an idea to take him for an evaluation. I believe very much in evaluation through a child drawing a
picture. It shows up so much what's going on with the child.

IMHO

A lot of hatzlocha be'H, and a lot of strength to you dear OP.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Mon, Aug 07 2017, 2:50 am
Struggling with this with an older child. Lots of violence, getting more extreme.

No specific advice just to say you're not alone. It's also constant. Hugs.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 07 2017, 7:46 am
amother wrote:
I feel like with him no matter how much attention I giv it's never enough! I play games all Shabbos with him and I rest with him every night in his bed when I tuck him in and we shmooze about his day.. my dh takes him out for special time wen able but still all this doesn't stop him from walking over to a sibling and hitting them for no reason at all or becaus they have something he wants and he doesn't feel it nescesary to use words and express that he wants it . He'll just go grab it out of their hand and than it turns physical. It's almost like he enjoys the negative attention he'll get out of it!


I'm a big fan of the explosive child as well. It's important not to assume that all situations are for no reason or negative attention. When he's calm, ask him something like

"I noticed that you had trouble keeping your hands off Moshe's toy. What was going on?"

Often, there's a reason, even if you don't understand it. Awareness tends to reduce explosiveness because you can get to the root of the problem.

Don't assume it's the same issue each time. One time may have been because he wanted something. The next may have been because he was upset with a sibling. Treat each situation as an isolated incident.
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byisrael




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 07 2017, 10:20 am
I work with explosive kids in a dorm situation.
While a lot of the advice further up is great realize that it is a PROCESS and no method will work right away, its about consistancy and not giving up.

When a kid in our dorm is violent and either endangering themselves or others we do the "bear hug" - adults back on the wall, arms pining childs arms in a hug, feet pining feet.
This needs to be done while the adult is completley calm and gives them valadation and soothing messages while holding - the idea is to calm the dysregulated child and to help them feel safe, not to punish them.
The worst thing to do is to get angry or anxious - when a child is expolsive they need the adult to calm them down, freaking out makes it worse.
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