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Wed, Aug 09 2017, 1:02 pm

Considering that the rav does not have a listed phone number and your husband waylaid him in shul, it was nice of him to agree to see you at all. It sounds as though he is trying to make room for you in his schedule. Be sure to make a nice donation, as you are not members of his shul.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 1:25 pm

I live in NY. Our Rav is also a Rosh Yeshiva and Rav of a shul and is known to be so busy that he barely sleeps more than 3 hours per night. People call and text him any hour of the night, not expecting him to answer, but may as well try because he may be up.

He is a father and husband too BH. We recognize that hes extremely busy-and we willingly stick with him and keept trying over and over to get an appointment/return phone call etc because the hadracha we get from him is truly amazing and we are a perfect click.

But we really need to try and try. To get a sit down appointment usually takes a good 2-3 weeks of chasing him and cancellations. He usually texts back the same day or day later. To get him on the phone takes about 5 days. He does look at all bedikas very timely.

We can go with a different Rav that is more available (and yes there are many even in NY, but theyre all busy to some degree) but we willingly use him.

Just to give you an example...

Just last week I desperately needed to speak with him and it had to be over the phone, no way to text it. He knew how desperate I was, and he understood how important it was to speak with him-all I needed was 5 minutes and he knew that too. He told me to call him and he would try to call me too. I started on tuesday morning. Round the clock. No answer. Wednesday evening he called me-I accidentally hit ignore, then called him right back-2 minutes later-and he texted he had just entered a meeting and try in an hour. I did. No answer. Again, texting and calling round the clock. I started feeling upset. Really annoyed. He finally called me back on friday-
and explained that he had been sick, then involved with a family that was dealing with 2 emergency crises involving 2 of their children at the same time
Hearing that of course I felt awful for feeling annoyed.
Rabbanim are people too, and are busy for real valid reasons.

amother

Gold

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 2:12 pm

I agree with everyone is saying, but it's a little nuts that the op can't find a rav to talk to. If someone needs guidance, there should be someone available, it shouldn't be so difficult to track someone down.

Iymnok

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 2:49 pm

Why do you think she is aggressive? She and her dh have a religious issue that they need to discuss with a Rav and have been running after someone reliable for THREE WEEKS!
desperation and aggression are two totally different things.

ProudMommie

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 2:59 pm

These are the times we live in... to reach a rav is difficult and to have a rav give you his undivided attention is even more difficult. There are many more issues that I don't want to elaborate in a public forum. Times are tough... people don't really want to listen and make the changes they need to make, look within and be truthful with themselves and their spouse.. (I.e. it is always someone else's fault or circumstances...) and also we no longer have the level of gedolim of the past...

Anyway, having gone through serious marital difficulties myself I feel I can honestly say that although we knew really amazing rabbonim (had our family rav), chosheve talmidey chachamim who said very very true and smart things, we got NO real help or eitzas about changing the unhealthy patterns we were stuck in. We were two selfish people who were focused on "getting" and as R. Avigdor Miller ztl said "If you want to get, you will get a get" Anyway, that's the short story... there were many many details.

I did go to a frum therapist with these problems who was so into Freud it was thoroughly ridiculous... who encouraged me to run to the bais din and fast... and then there was a rabbi who felt I was too good for my husband but good enough for him it seemed.....I should have seen through this rabbi who was in a VERY prestigious position at the time, but I was younger and sillier.... I no longer live in New York so I don't care to say certain things...

Anyway, if you are in New York, I know emesdik people to speak with, and yes, rabbonim too. However, again, you do NOT need a rav to resolve your marital difficulties. Unless chas v'shalom you need a get, what is a rav going to do for you? If you want to WORK on your marriage, it will most likely work out and you will live happily ever after. If not, then yes, you need a rav to tell you something, "stay together" or separate....And I wish for you never to meet "divorce rabbis" ... there is such a thing too...

So, a rav really is not in a position to fix your marriage. How can he? It takes hours of talking, processing on the phone and constant contact and growing through... changing... understanding... You need a guide.

Of course, I am just talking about particular marriage issues like general miscommunication, fighting...NOT gross physical/emotional abuse, drug abuse/alcoholism.. very complicated issues.. etc. etc... etc.. I mean the usual "not getting along and fighting" pattern that many people suffer in all their lives chas v'shalom.

Since working on my own marriage and going thru "therapy" with a wonderful but regular person, I have also been able to help other people get their marriage on track BH. Can I help everyone? Of course not. I can try. I love my Jewish sisters and if I can help I will gladly share and talk to someone confidentially of course. I live in Israel but if you are interested, you can pm me. There are also people here to whom you can speak and I can put you in touch depending on the issue.

There are no magic or easy solutions. We are living in very spiritually hard, stressful times...

amother

Blush

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

h

Thank you! This is all I'm trying to say. Very frustrating sad and disappointing

amother

Red

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 3:25 pm

You sound frustrated and I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but to think that Rabbanim are sitting with their feet up at the beach and sipping a pina colada is ridiculous. A Ravs job is EXTREMELY difficult and time consuming. I know that my Rav is constantly on the phone or meeting with people, aside for his regular job, shul responsibilities and his family. I don't know when the man has time to sleep.

It's frustrating not to be able to find a Rav for a few weeks. Maybe you can post where in NY you are and someone will have an idea for you.

amother

Silver

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

Do you think there should be someone in NY who keeps a master schedule for all the NY Rabbeim? Making sure that there is always a 'good one' (whatever that means) on-call and available?

Maybe I'm 'old fashioned' but I understand that I'm supposed to make myself a Rav. I do this via membership at my shul. The shul has a board. The board is responsible to see that the needs of the members are met. One of those needs to have a Rav who is available for consultations (and who will arrange for 'back-up' when he is on vacation).

So what bothers me in this thread is that OP has a shul - but the shul doesn't have a Rav who takes meetings. Is there a resolution for that?

amother

Gold

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 3:51 pm

amother wrote:

What on-call? She's been trying to find someone for 3 weeks I think it's pathetic that no one could make time for her.

amother

Silver

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 3:53 pm

amother wrote:

What on-call? She's been trying to find someone for 3 weeks I think it's pathetic that no one could make time for her.

well one did.

SixOfWands

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 5:14 pm

amother wrote:

lol im laughing- this is an hysterical site . you say one little thing , you are bombarded with go to a therapist, or better , go to licensed therapist, or even better go to licensed therapist and make sure she is good!!!
so just to clarify- everything is amazing between me and my husband- I dont want to go into details here its just too long to write- but I just have a question that needs a RABBI !- need some perspective and judiasm not a therapist, liceensed therapist , psychiatrist or psycoologist!!!

WADR, you said that after a number of years of marriage, you ran into some issues with your husband. While a rabbi may, or may not, be able to deal with such issues, a marriage therapist almost certainly would.

Its not "hysterical." Its a logical suggestion. Your making fun of someone for offering such advice says much more about you than it does about her, or the suggestion.

You've now clarified that its more of a halachic issue, but the poster had no way to know that.

If you need a rabbinic opinion, given that your husband himself is a rabbi, has he contacted the rebbeim that he studied with? He surely had a personal relationship with some of them that would allow you to speak with them more conveniently.

Or speak with the rabbi who very kindly agreed to get up early on a Sunday morning and speak with you. I know its difficult to find a sitter, but if you offer to pay for at least 2 hours, a teen will probably do it for you.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 6:07 pm

amother wrote:

If the ones op is trying to reach are all in the country, aren't they on vacation?

amother

Red

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 9:43 pm

amother wrote:

If the ones op is trying to reach are all in the country, aren't they on vacation?

The Rabbanim that I know, when they are on vacation, they are never on vacation. They are receiving phone calls constantly helping people with this and that. Maybe they can't have face to face meetings because they're physically not there, but they're busy otherwise.

seeker

Wed, Aug 09 2017, 10:40 pm

amother wrote:

If the ones op is trying to reach are all in the country, aren't they on vacation?

Looks like this conversation doesn't need me in general, but on this one point - not really. First of all, many rabbis are in the country as leaders of summer communities or camps - many yeshivas have camps that are really just extensions of yeshivas. Others do go for a vacation of sorts, as in a change of scenery, but are still chased after by students or phone calls. And given the overall high intensity rabbi life described by others, the rabbi's need for a real vacation is legitimate - rabbis are human beings and can really get mentally burned out without a break. If they're going to let through every request from someone they don't know who says they need them urgently, when will they recharge? And what about their families who need to share them constantly with the entire congregation - they too legitimately need to have their father/husband's attention sometimes. Can you imagine if you were 9 years old and your father had to keep putting off your special time together because some stranger's "emergency" was more important than you? And summer because that may be when more of their congregants are away so they are less needed. They can pop back into town for a funeral or something.

strong mom

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 1:17 am

In Brooklyn it can be very frustrating in the summer to find a Rav. I remember once we had to go up to the mountains to have a Rav pasken a bdikah. So yes I can understand your frustrations. And for three weeks to carry this pressure of finding someone and getting an appointment can feel like 3 weeks on a standstill.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 2:55 am

Doctors are in the business of saving lives, but that doesn't mean you can get an appointment whenever you want one. If you had a doctor's appointment on a Sunday morning at 8, you'd manage to find a babysitter. If your question isn't nida or kashrus related, it can probably wait until your rabbi (if your dh is in the business, surely you have one!) returns from his vacation.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 3:04 am

Mothers, perhaps you can now see why it's so important to try to send your sons to yeshivos where they can build a strong relationship with the Rosh Yeshiva and/or rebbeim.

True, those in chinuch for many years accumulate hundreds of talmidim, but in general talmidim can get to a rebbe with whom they have a close kesher.

I am sorry you're having this trouble OP. Does your DH not have any rebbeim whom he's kept up with from his bais medrash or even high school years?

amother

Blush

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 10:13 am

oh my gosh , I just came back on and read all replies . this is hysterical!!

watergirl

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 10:33 am

amother wrote:

oh my gosh , I just came back on and read all replies . this is hysterical!!

Wow. People are trying to help you and you are putting everyone down. Amazing.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Aug 10 2017, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

Ok that's still a nice perk that most professions don't allow, to be out of the area for 8 or 9 weeks.

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