I hit my son please help

amother

Mint

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 12:22 pm

My 6 yr son was smacking my back and I turned around and hit him out of anger accidentally and his nose started bleeding. Please help me!!!! I sat on the floor crying for hours after. I was always hit and bled and I never ever thought it would happen to me. I've lost and smacked a few times before but few times and mild. I'm going crazy can't calm down. How do I make up for it and make sure it won't happen again???? I'm an awful person and mother Sad

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 12:41 pm

Go for somatic experiencing therapy to process your childhood experiences as well as your current triggers. You will never hit again.

Don't tell therapist you have a habit of hitting, just say you get triggered inside and you want to avoid acting on it.

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 12:49 pm

amother wrote:

I'm an awful person and mother Sad

Awful things were done to you as a child and the effects of those experiences are trapped in your nervous system, and those incompleted nervous system responses get triggered nowadays, and that's how the hitting happens.

There is hope for you!

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:05 pm

Let this experience make you run to get help. Make an appointment today op.

imasinger

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:09 pm

Yes to the above. And also consider parenting classes.

It sounds like you lashed out while turning around, and had no intention of hitting him that hard, you just couldn't see behind you.

So, to me, what might make a bigger difference than beating yourself up for your single lapse of self control is learning to discipline him sooner.

It's not OK for him to be smacking your back repeatedly. If you learn how and when to assert and implement rules, you and DS will both be happier in the long run.

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:21 pm

imasinger wrote:

Dear OP- once you begin to understand from an experiential view how being hit as a child impacted you, I guarantee you will not be able to hit your child again. That is the power of somatic experiencing. Go at least once a week, if not twice. After a few weeks you will start to see the difference. Keep it up for at least a year if you want to have lasting gains.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:23 pm

I dont think you are a bad person at all. But you must get help now. Call a therapist and go for a few sessions bec it sounds like u have some PTSD.

amother

Mint

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:30 pm

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Unfortunately I've already been to lots of therapists over the years and it hasn't helped. I've also done numerous parent classes and read tons of books. I know what to do . But this incidents happen here and there no matter what I do.

What's sonwmic therapy ?

WhatFor

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

Go get help if you truly want to change. I'm going to be a bit harsh here but a few things are jumping out from your word choices:

1- absolving yourself of responsibility:
A. you hit him out of anger "accidentally".
B. His nose "started bleeding" (not you caused his nose to start bleeding).
C. you never thought it would "happen" to you. Again, this is absolving yourself of choice. It just happened. You made your child's nose bleed the same way a bird might have pooped on your head.
D. You've lost and smacked before. (You lost it; no control.)
E. You're "an awful person and mother" (if you're an awful person, that's just how awful people behave and you have no choice. If you're a good person who made a bad choice, you'd be able to change your behavior.)

2- minimization: lost and smacked before but a few times and mild.

3- self pitying/making this about you and not the helpless little boy who is now a victim of abuse:
A. Help me. I sat in the floor crying for hours after (what about the boy you just abused? All about you, not about him. You need help. )
B. You were previously hit and abused (again your own woes) and never thought this would "happen to you" not your baby boy. You. You gave your little boy a nosebleed but this happened to YOU.
C. You're going crazy and can't calm down: again, about you. Not your little boy. You.
D. I'm an awful person and mother: an attempt to elicit self- pity after confessing to an awful act.

If you truly want to work on yourself, that is commendable. In the meantime, since you seem unsure about whether you can control your violence toward your child, please arrange to have him stay with someone who can protect him until you figure it out.

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:45 pm

amother wrote:

What's sonwmic therapy ?

Google it and google a somatic experiencing practitioner.
I've done some nasty things to my child as well, and SE saved us from a life of perpetuating the violence.

amother

Mint

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 1:59 pm

amother wrote:

Google it and google a somatic experiencing practitioner.
I've done some nasty things to my child as well, and SE saved us from a life of perpetuating the violence.

Really??? Thank you so much. I'm really desperate. As I said I've tried many things. I'm in Israel I'm not sure who practices it here. I'm so scared. I never wanted to turn into my father Chas vesgslom.

To the person above . Yes that was very harsh. Of course it's about me I need to change. What else can I do after the fact other than try and never do it again .of course it was an accident I never meant to hit in the first place or hard.

How can I help him after the fact? What can I do for him?

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

Google it, there are practitioners in E.Y. as well, and there are those who offer Skype or phone sessions.

amother

Mint

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 2:10 pm

amother wrote:

Google it, there are practitioners in E.Y. as well, and there are those who offer Skype or phone sessions.

Can it be done on Skype? Will it still be effective?

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 2:27 pm

amother wrote:

Can it be done on Skype? Will it still be effective?

Better in person, but if that's impossible then Skype is ok. Will it be effective? more effective than what you've got now :-)
Though in person is better.

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 2:30 pm

When you do Somatic Experiencing you realize why regular therapy or cbt or dbt don't work. At least not long term.

amother

Orange

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:00 pm

Everything that everyone wrote is of course true - you need to get therapy to help process your own trauma, so you can heal yourself and not create another generation of hurt and violence.

But right now, today, get off the floor and wipe your tears and go seek out your son. Sit him in a quiet area, away from siblings. Say something like this:

"I want to talk to you about what happened earlier. I did a very not good thing when I hit your nose. Hitting is never ok, not for Mommies, or kids, or grown ups, or anybody. I was hurt and angry when you hit my back. It's ok that I was angry, but it's not ok that I hit. I am going to work very hard on myself to make sure I don't hit you the next time I'm angry. I want to ask your forgiveness. I'm so sorry.". After he forgives you, continue: "When you were hitting my back, you felt angry (or annoyed, or whatever) at me. It's ok for you to be angry at me, but it's not ok to hit. I would like to hear an apology from you, too."

Then give him a tight, reassuring hug!!! Remember to praise all his good behavior in general! And take care of your own hurt, Mama, because the little girl in you deserves it!

marina

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:21 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Way, way, way too harsh. She's not an abusive parent, she just lost control once or twice. That's not going to affect her child in the long run at all. Kids are way more resilient than that. Maybe if she does it once a week then it will affect them.

We all lose control ocassionally . I did that a few times. Then decided it would never happen again, and developed a list of strategies to always maintain calm no matter what the child does. One tip is to visually imagine yourself as the boulder in the ocean. The waves will smash upon it and the storm will roar, but you are the bolder and you will always be calm and stable, no matter what.

But really, if a kid was hitting me or biting, I would probably push them off and not feel guilty at all. You can't do that kind of stuff and just expect zero reaction from a parent.

It's totally not like abusing a child. I wish everyone would stop making her feel bad.

Learning your tool kit and your strategies takes practice and each time you will be better than before. I don't know that you need any therapy to process anything from your childhood. You just need to practice using other techniques so your go-to mode isn't what you learned in your childhood. So your go-to mode will be to walk away or to immediately change your breathing pattern or whatever, and that takes practice.

It took me a while but not only do I never hit anymore, I don't raise my voice pretty much ever, regardless of what they do, how long they follow me around, what kind of language they use, how much they whine, what they break, throw, or destroy. If I do raise my voice or use a sharp tone, it's completely deliberate. Like I think about it and I say to myself, I need to use a sharp tone so she will realize this is an unacceptable thing to say to a parent, and then I raise my voice.

It kind of annoys them too. At some point my daughter was like you are always using that calm voice and it's very aggravating etc. lol. No one remembers at all that when they were younger, I wasn't always so calm, haha.

The point of this is that OP shouldn't be so hard on herself and neither should anyone else. It's like any other skill and you'll get it soon. Don't worry about it.

Last edited by marina on Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:26 pm

marina wrote:

Ok but turning around and "accidentally" hitting so hard in the face that her kids nose started bleeding? That's really no big deal to you?

cnc

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:29 pm

amother wrote:

Ok but turning around and "accidentally" hitting so hard in the face that her kids nose started bleeding? That's really no big deal to you?

You don't really know if she hit her kid hard. My kids can literally tap their noses with their fingers and blood will come pouring out. (Not saying if OP is right or wrong- just not necessarily did she beat her kid .)

marina

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

Ok but turning around and "accidentally" hitting so hard in the face that her kids nose started bleeding? That's really no big deal to you?

Once I was pulling my kid somewhere by her arm and dislocated it. Anyone here ever do that?

I felt bad and didn't pull anyone like that again. So what? My kid remembers nothing about it.

Instead she now remembers how much I helped her survive high school and how I help her now that she's in college and the nice times we have together when she comes home on break.

OP obviously feels bad about what happened and will take steps to not smack her child in the face like that again. End of story. Yeah, I guess it's not that big of a deal to me. Call me back if she continues to do that in response to every stressor. Then it's more of an immediate problem.