I hit my son please help

amother

Cerise

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:40 pm

Marina -, ur post was amazing. Can u PLEASE explain, maybe on a new thread, exactly *how* you turned yourself into a boulder?

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:55 pm

amother wrote:

Ok but turning around and "accidentally" hitting so hard in the face that her kids nose started bleeding? That's really no big deal to you?

my mom used to slap me in fits of rage. One time she slapped me hard on my face and it bled for a while.

I overlooked it and continued relating to her as usual. The good thing is that after that big nosebleed she NEVER hit me again! I guess she used the incident as a wakeup call. And I have loved her just the same, maybe BECAUSE it didn't happen again.

marina

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 4:01 pm

amother wrote:

Marina -, ur post was amazing. Can u PLEASE explain, maybe on a new thread, exactly *how* you turned yourself into a boulder?

1. Part of it is anticipating the tantrum. Sometimes there is no way to avoid a tantrum and you know it will happen. I know my kid will react poorly when told to clean his room/when her internet is turned off/when I'm not going to drive them all to the mall. So you know it's going to happen and you visualize it happening before it starts and you visualize yourself as the calm stable presence who will always maintain equilibrium. And then it really happens, your kid loses it but it's not a surprise anymore, it's just something you planned for.

2. Sometimes it helps to calm yourself aloud and to model calmness for your child. Like I will often say : "I am getting upset because of the disrespect you are showing me, so I need to calm myself down before I continue." Same thing with any other disobedience- I will calmly say, Even though my voice is calm I am actually pretty angry right now and I need to take five deep breaths before I can say what I need to say.

3. Put everything on hold. Don't give a consequence immediately, in anger. Those are always the worst ones. Instead just say I will have to think about this when I'm calmer and I will let you know what punishment I decide is best.

4. Some of it is just resolve and challenging yourself. I remember with a few difficult kids I would say to myself I wonder how long I can be calm while this child is yelling. I wonder if I can still be calm as she's slamming her door. I wonder if I can be calm as she's throwing her shoes against the wall. And then afterwards, no matter if I was ultimately happy with the whole outcome, I always felt better that I kept it together.

5. Reframe /compare. Sometimes when I am so angry, comparing the problem to other problems works well. A few months ago I was furious b/c my 11 year old was reading in bed and I had spent the entire evening stressing how she is to be asleep by 8:30 and now it was 10:30. I was so so angry, but all I said calmly was " I am very upset about this and there will be a consequence tomorrow." Then I walked out of the room and realized that so many people on the planet would literally give their right arm for this so-called problem- an 11 year old healthy child more interested in reading than sleeping in her warm bed, full of food, with a roof over her head, living in peace. Then the anger immediately left and I even felt terrible for being upset at all.

6. The more you do all this, the easier it becomes, like second nature. Being calm becomes your go to method, and you automatically go into the calm zone as soon as you hear a child raise her voice.

ProudMommie

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 4:31 pm

It can happen and tbere r lots of ways to stop. Lots...NUMBER 1 is tefilla and kearning strategies to parent in a loving but firm way. Why was your child hitting you? Did he want your attention... To connect? There r reasons for things...I dont really believe in therapists giving you the understanding and acceptance u need right now..You r NOT a bad mother! Thats why you are here trying to address this. You are a sensitive loving parent who is stressed and lacking parenting strategies and went thru a painful experience. I dont hear you making any excuses, but just beating yourself up. You have crossed your own red line. Ok it happens. Please ignore these ridiculuous judging remarks. They are not true. Please take that whip out of your hand and instead give yourself and your child compassion -- you never had compassion, and now you can comfort your child and the child within you. I like the poster who suggested you apologize and long ...and validate his feelings. We all make mistakes and Hshem will help us to change/ do teshuva... Its hard without details and nuances but thats the gist of it. Therapy is not going to erase this or stop you from hitting again. You can NEVER DO It again. You AND ONLY YOU need to make a choice about the kind of mother you aspire to b.. You will be able to change because you love your child

I am in Israel too and you can pm me etc. You need support. . I tlk on the phone to ppl sometime about similar issues.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 4:38 pm

Thanks Marina that was gr8!

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 4:43 pm

“violence is what happens when we don’t know what else to do with our suffering.”

Iymnok

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 4:50 pm

Marina, I need that on my fridge. And anywhere else...

amother

Jade

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 5:41 pm

marina wrote:

1. Part of it is anticipating the tantrum. Sometimes there is no way to avoid a tantrum and you know it will happen. I know my kid will react poorly when told to clean his room/when her internet is turned off/when I'm not going to drive them all to the mall. So you know it's going to happen and you visualize it happening before it starts and you visualize yourself as the calm stable presence who will always maintain equilibrium. And then it really happens, your kid loses it but it's not a surprise anymore, it's just something you planned for.

2. Sometimes it helps to calm yourself aloud and to model calmness for your child. Like I will often say : "I am getting upset because of the disrespect you are showing me, so I need to calm myself down before I continue." Same thing with any other disobedience- I will calmly say, Even though my voice is calm I am actually pretty angry right now and I need to take five deep breaths before I can say what I need to say.

3. Put everything on hold. Don't give a consequence immediately, in anger. Those are always the worst ones. Instead just say I will have to think about this when I'm calmer and I will let you know what punishment I decide is best.
4. Some of it is just resolve and challenging yourself. I remember with a few difficult kids I would say to myself I wonder how long I can be calm while this child is yelling. I wonder if I
can still be calm as she's slamming her door. I wonder if I can be calm as she's throwing her shoes against the wall. And then afterwards, no matter if I was ultimately happy with the whole outcome, I always felt better that I kept it together.

5. Reframe /compare. Sometimes when I am so angry, comparing the problem to other problems works well. A few months ago I was furious b/c my 11 year old was reading in bed and I had spent the entire evening stressing how she is to be asleep by 8:30 and now it was 10:30. I was so so angry, but all I said calmly was " I am very upset about this and there will be a consequence tomorrow." Then I walked out of the room and realized that so many
people on the planet would literally give their right arm for this so-called problem- an 11 year old healthy child more interested in reading than sleeping in her warm bed, full of food, with a roof over her head, living in peace. Then the anger immediately left and I even felt terrible for being upset at all.

6. The more you do all this, the easier it becomes, like second nature. Being calm becomes
your go to method, and you automatically go into the calm zone as soon as you hear a child raise her voice.

Marina, YOU R AMAZING if you are able to do all that you wrote.
Such wise excellent ideas. Thanks so much for posting.

Reminds me of Sarah Shapiro's excellent diary-book - "Growing With My Children."

Anyone who hasn't read it, is really missing out on something HUGE.
An excellent book on self-discipline - not reacting negatively to your child's behaviour.

amother

Jade

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

“violence is what happens when we don’t know what else to do with our suffering.”

True. For some people.
You mean when one is at their wits end, at the end of their tether?

But violence is not an excuse.

In the long run it could be very dangerous if one does use violence as an excuse.

marina

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 5:52 pm

I never had the rock image on the fridge, but I had this one up for many years, not only on the fridge, but next to the sink where I washed the dishes and a few other places too. It really helped sear the message in.

Plonis

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 6:59 pm

I've been off Imamother for a while, but stop in occasionally to read.

However, I could not hold myself back from signing in and posting here to say MARINA YOU ARE AWESOME!

Voice of sanity, reason, hope, and practical advice.

As a mother of a child who pushed me past my limits (and pushed me to redefine and strengthen my limits), thank you!

marina

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 7:04 pm

awww you guys make me happy

amother

Pink

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 7:12 pm

http://somaticintervention.com.....tein/

The Israel expert in Somatic Experiencing is listed above. She is world-renowned and comes to America to train American clinicians.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 7:19 pm

Marina those are some good tips but I hope you don't discourage op from getting help. She had an abusive childhood and now states she's repeating her fathers mistakes. She said this type of hitting is not an isolated experience. Please get help op.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 11:52 pm

marina wrote:

Interesting thought. Is my inner voice, the way my mother spoke to me as a kid? Less, whatever I've intentionally worked on and changed? I'll need to think this over

amother

Plum

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

The point of that quote was that the mother who is violencing her child is suffering, and if we can extend kindness to her suffering that kindness eases the suffering.

Same with the boy who is smacking the mother. The kid is suffering and needs an understanding heart.

violet1

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 3:45 am

There's a website called gethelpisrael.com that has different types therapists and doctors. Some of them do Skype sessions.

amother

Mint

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 9:15 am

amother wrote:

Thank you so much, this so encouraging. I've been crying myself to sleep every night . Of course I promised myself never ever again!!! And found an SE therapist I'll be working with iyh. So hopefully there's still hope for us . Thank you so much.