Leichter for baby's birth

amother

Jade

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 10:19 pm

We are 'just making it'. In order to rid ourselves of our enormous debt we actually sold our house and moved within the past year.

I love my kids dearly .... they are expecting their first baby soon and have asked for a silver candlestick. We have honestly given them quite a bit financially lately and just don't think we can afford this. How do you cope with this new generation that expects life handed to them on a silver platter?
Do I just say to my DH (who is freaking out over this) that we just have to buy it and that's it?

cnc

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 10:25 pm

Did you offer them a gift? If yes- be clear with them on what your budget is. If not, simply tell them that at this point a silver candlestick is not in your budget. (Basically giving them the same answer either way, but I'm just wondering if this request came out of the blue and if there's a specific reason why they're expecting a piece of silver as a baby present from their parents)

amother

Lilac

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 10:26 pm

Absolutely not, you explain that you can't afford it but that you're happy to help cover the cost of the Simcha and necessities for the baby to the best of your ability (if you can.)
So sorry you're in this situation. I'm expecting now, not my first, and my in-laws offered to buy a new fabric insert for our stroller because the one I have is falling apart from wear and tear. I feel really bad taking it because I know they can't afford it. Your couple has a ridiculous sense of entitlement and you don't have to play into it.

Plonis

Tue, Aug 15 2017, 10:48 pm

The answer is obviously NO.

HOW you say the no may change depending on the relationship.

You may say, "I'm happy to buy you a silver-plated candlestick since I know it is important to you to have a beautiful way to light."

You may say, "I'm sorry I can't afford that right now, but I'm happy to chip in if a group of your friends would like to collect money for a larger gift like that."

You may say, "I believe that is the husband's prerogative," and buy the baby a cute outfit.

You may say, "With all love and compassion my dear child, we don't ask for specific gifts from people. It is not good manners." And give them a gift in the price range you were planning.

You may say, "I'd love to, sweetheart, if our finances change I'll keep it on the list of gifts you would appreciate."

You may say, "I'll happily contribute $X towards one if you'd like to purchase one."

You may say, "What a lovely idea, to have a silver candlestick for the baby," and treat it as a pipe dream and not as a request.

Or you might just ignore the demand, which was obviously hormonally inspired, and buy them the gift you were planning.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 1:39 am

As a newlywed who is expecting my first Bezras Hashem, I can say that I certainly did not expect any more silver from my in-laws than the original candlesticks, which are the norm in my circles. I have no idea what everyone does, but I know that plenty of people who use crystal (or even glass dollar-store) candlesticks beyond the first two...

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 4:16 am

amother wrote:

Why would she be happy to cover the cost of the simcha?

groovy1224

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 6:03 am

amother wrote:

It's not so clear it was hormonally inspired if OP's daughter was perfectly happy to take money from her parents while they sold their home to pay off debts..

OP, if you don't want your younger generation to expect things handed to them on a silver platter; don't hand them things on a silver platter. (Or leichter, as the case may be). Just say sweetie you know how much I'd love to do that for you but that's not in the cards. How about a ___? Or perhaps I can contribute some money towards one?

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 6:24 am

I think that if you buy something you can't afford they will think they can keep asking you for things whenever they want something.

She probably saw her friend had shiny silver candlesticks and thought how nice it looked and wished for the same.

I don't know what to tell you ...it seems that you have given so much already that they feel like it's coming to them, they deserve it. It's really a vicious cycle that has to get broken out of.

I'm sure they are expecting you to buy them things for the newborn, pay for a bris or kiddush ... and then they want a gift for themselves too ... something has to give.

doctorima

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 6:58 am

Only you know your finances and relationship with your kids, but just realize that even if you push yourself to accommodate this request, you'll only be setting a bad precedent that will lead to more and more requests, more expensive than the ones before, not only from these kids, but also from siblings who will expect the same perks and will get jealous if you draw the line at them. Philosophical discussions about propriety aside, you need to be realistic about your means with your kids and nip this in the bud now.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 7:17 am

I agree with the others who said that if you buy this time, then you will be expected to buy again in the future.

If you had enormous debt and had to sell off your house, then obviously you already gave of yourself and expenses for your kids. Why should you buy this gift that you cant afford?
1)youll start having more debt
2) your kids will expect gifts for every birth or other event
3) you will set a precedent such that your other married kids will expect gifts from you too.

If the couple cant afford to buy this for themselves, then now is a good time to them to learn to budget for themselves and realize that they cant expect to rely on you for extras.

It is VERY HARD TO SAY NO!! I used to say yes!yes!yes! But then realized that yes became the expectation from me so I learned to say no so now I feel less stress, why should your dh be so stressed bc a couple is ungrateful for all the money you spent on your child until now????

Saying no will "open their eyes" to realize "oh, mom and dad really cant afford these things, we shouldnt ask them."(maybe at the beg, the couple will be upset but eventually theyll wake up and realize you have a strict budget).

amother

Gold

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 7:33 am

My most beautiful gift is the crystal and silver candlesticks DH bought when my baby was a year old. (That's when we were able to afford the $100 it cost.) DH was in kollel and it was a major expense. I so appreciate the simplicity and thought of that gift. For the next kids we already made do with glass ones from Amazing Savings.

amother

Beige

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 7:45 am

I bought my own set of mini candlesticks after my first kid was born. It never occured to me that my inlaws would buy it for me. A coworker of mine son just had her first kid and my coworker was talking about taking her daughter in law to the silver store so its clearly the norm in some circles and I dont think your daughter in law is being overly entitled for requesting it.

amother

Wine

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 10:15 am

I'm pretty sure most of my kids (all in Kolell at the time) bought a small silver candlestick for the first couple of kids. After that, I think they bought glass. Nobody ever asked me to buy it. Although I may have offered a son or two to help finance.

I do think it's mainly the husband's prerogative, if he can or wishes to do so. If not, tea lights are perfectly adequate.

ETA: Rav Shimshon Pincus ztz"l was famously meticulous and excited about shining the leichter. I believe it's connected to the husband preparing the wicks being a segulah for Shalom Bayis. So no doubt the husbnad buying the extra candlesticks would be part of the same idea.

allthingsblue

Wed, Aug 16 2017, 10:18 am

It's not like the daughter in law asked for it out of the blue!
Op offered to buy her something new!
We just bought a small silver candlestick for $100. (Maybe it's silver plated? It came from a silver store.)
If you cannot afford it, tell her so and tell her what your budget is. Ask her if she wants you to get something else, or just contribute x amount towards a candlestick.