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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Black
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 Mon, Aug 21 2017, 1:46 pm
I can't decide if I should go from Israel to usa ,my grandmother passed away at age 95 ,and I have a baby that I nurse ,and five children that dh will have to take care of ?
what would you do ?
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tichellady
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 1:50 pm
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If you can make it work to go then I think you should go. It's your mother. If it's not feasible then it's not feasible
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amother
Black
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 1:58 pm
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I could make it work it's just such a big pain for me and my husband ,(and my wallet )
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Raisin
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 2:05 pm
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I think you should go if you can.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 2:08 pm
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I went to my grandmothers funeral. She also passed away at 95. But I didn't go be menachem Avel, just spent some time right after the levaya. I live in in Monsey and my mother was sitting in Boro Park. You do what you are able to do.
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zaq
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:03 pm
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It's a very personal decision. You can be menachem avel long distance via phone, Skype etc. but only you can guess how much your mom will or will not appreciate your showing up in person.
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amother
Turquoise
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:11 pm
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My dc came from OOT to be menachem me, took many hours and could only stay an hour or so before going back. It made me feel so happy to see dc that I'm not even sure it should've been muttar! OTOH if they had had the expense of traveling from EY I would've been happy to see them but I think I'd have told them to come later when I could really luxuriate in their company without all these other people around. I guess if depends on your moms personality and how many others are visiting your mom.
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amother
Gray
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:23 pm
| Bizzydizzymommy wrote: | | I went to my grandmothers funeral. She also passed away at 95. But I didn't go be menachem Avel, just spent some time right after the levaya. I live in in Monsey and my mother was sitting in Boro Park. You do what you are able to do. |
Not sure if I would compare the trip from Monsey to boro park with Israel to USA. Seriously.
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PinkFridge
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:43 pm
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As the mother, I think it would be lovely but I would completely not even think about it as a possibility.
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ra_mom
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:48 pm
| amother wrote: | | My dc came from OOT to be menachem me, took many hours and could only stay an hour or so before going back. It made me feel so happy to see dc that I'm not even sure it should've been muttar! OTOH if they had had the expense of traveling from EY I would've been happy to see them but I think I'd have told them to come later when I could really luxuriate in their company without all these other people around. I guess if depends on your moms personality and how many others are visiting your mom. |
It gave you nechama! That's really beautiful. That's what being menachem the avel is all about.
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amother
Black
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:49 pm
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I am still debating ,thank you all for your insight .
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amother
Mustard
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:54 pm
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I was in the same situation a few years ago and I went. I was so happy that I did. The hours you spend hearing about your grandmother are priceless and so is the family time you spend with other relatives throughout the shiva. If your husband is on board, go for it. There have been other times that I didn't go and now that I know what I missed it makes me sad.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:56 pm
| amother wrote: | | Not sure if I would compare the trip from Monsey to boro park with Israel to USA. Seriously. |
The point I was trying to make, was that even though I lived quite close to my mother, I still was not menachem Avel.
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amother
Denim
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 3:58 pm
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I had the same debate when I was engaged. I didn't go. I think my mom told me not to come. It's difficult and expensive. Depends on your relationship and how often you see each other I guess, but I definitely don't think it's necessarily a given that it's the right thing to do. If your mom is at all bitter about you being here in general, that might make be a case where it would be a good idea. If she is okay with you living so far, I don't think she would expect it.
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PinkFridge
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 4:00 pm
| amother wrote: | | My dc came from OOT to be menachem me, took many hours and could only stay an hour or so before going back. It made me feel so happy to see dc that I'm not even sure it should've been muttar! OTOH if they had had the expense of traveling from EY I would've been happy to see them but I think I'd have told them to come later when I could really luxuriate in their company without all these other people around. I guess if depends on your moms personality and how many others are visiting your mom. |
This.
OP, whatever you do will be the right thing. I also had a dc travel when I was in aveilus and not only was it marvelous to see her, she came on what turned out to be an awesome day of people coming by. As much of a bracha as having family to sit with was, sharing shiva experiences with one of my kids was very meaningful, I have to admit. And it gave her some insights into the departed.
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heidi
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 4:29 pm
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My grandmother also lived to a ripe old age and when she passed away I debated whether to go be menachem avel my mother in another state. I left young children and a job and went for under 48 hours. This was many years ago, and I still feel the nechama I gave my mother and my aunts and uncles by being there. I helped my aunt with the shiva house and just sat with the family and I could feel my mother's pride that her daughter had come. My mother is not a demonstrative person and seeing her so choked up with pride/happiness/nechama-- take your pick-- showed me how important it was to make the effort.
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Aylat
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 4:52 pm
OP, maybe I am reading you wrong, but when you say your grandmother is 95 I wonder if you feel that there is not such an urgency to go because of her age. It's not a tragic death, and maybe it was not a surprise. For me, being at shiva for my grandparents was meaningful because of the sharing of memories, the family togetherness and caring. There were stories told that we grandchildren had never heard and in a funny way I felt like I was able to get to know my grandparents better.
When my grandfather passed away my siblings and I all flew from Israel to UK. 3 of us had nursing babies we brought with us - we were very fortunate to be able to work out logistics for our other kids and so on. My mother did not expect us to come but it meant so much to her. In the end not all of us were able to stay for the shiva because the levaya was delayed and we had to get back to our families, but we were together for shabbat with my grandmother, mother and uncle. We shared memories together. It was very meaningful and I am so glad I was able to do it.
When my grandmother (on the other side) passed away I also flew in for the funeral - this time I flew pregnant and with my 1 yr old erev tisha b'av! - and stayed for a day of the shiva. Again I am so grateful that I was able to be there with my cousins and be menachem avel my father.
OTOH I also really believe that we have to know our abilities and limits and not overextend ourselves - it normally comes out negatively somewhere else when we do. Only you can decide for your situation. I just wanted to share how I felt when I was able to be menachem avel my parents.
Wishing you and your family a nechama.
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amother
cornflower
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 5:41 pm
I wanted to go when my father was sitting shiva but he told me absolutely not to come.
I skyped the levaya and was menacham avel him by phone.
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amother
Coral
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Mon, Aug 21 2017, 6:28 pm
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