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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Guests coming for shabbos to summer house-vent



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amother
Rose


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:34 pm
My family owns a summer house and we have lots of people asking us to host them. We are happy to invite our friends and family with whom we like spending time. We did invite a few of the more persistent"askers" .This is a vent:
If you are a guest in someone's house for Shabbos, unless previously arranged,please do not arrive before before lunch on fri and expect to be entertained,fed,etc.
Please realize that you are not on vacation-you are a guest in someone's home.If you want to nap, or go out,don't just leave your kids assuming they will play or behave. The host may also want to rest or leave. Even if your child is usually fine, it is not the host's job to entertain them.
If your children wake up really early,please do not allow them to wake everyone else up. Go for walk,play with them, etc. Also, if the host family has gone to sleep for the night and you are not yet ready to do so,please play quiet games.
Do not allow your child to do things like walk around with food that leaves crumbs everywhere, make a mess or break things. Do not open closets or cupboards without permission and replace anything that you break.
If you want/need special snacks for your kids,bring them rather then ask host to provide.If you do bring snacks, bring enough for everyone.
I am going to frame this and post on my door. Kidding,just wishful thinking
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:37 pm
Wow omg is this seriously what goes on Upstate?
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:39 pm
You don't must have these type of guests. You can say sorry it's not a good week.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:41 pm
Yes, I have a guest right now and if he opens my kitchen cabinets and rummages through them one more time,I am going to scream.I tried asking him if I can find something for him a few times, to no avail.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:45 pm
amother wrote:
Yes, I have a guest right now and if he opens my kitchen cabinets and rummages through them one more time,I am going to scream.I tried asking him if I can find something for him a few times, to no avail.


Wow, u must be an amazing person
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 8:58 pm
Honestly, these are guidelines for being a mentsch at any time of year. It really has nothing specific to do with being upstate. Guests should always be polite, quiet, clean, and mindful of others.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 9:09 pm
That was a very specific list of 'please do not's..and it begs the question..you are friends with these people??
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Sat, Aug 26 2017, 9:09 pm
Wow I can't believe how presumptuous people can be.

I think the upstate example is more galling because it's people traveling on vacation on the cheshbon of others. Not the same as when you're traveling for a specific purpose and may not have much choice in where you stay or other arrangements.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 5:49 am
amother wrote:
Yes, I have a guest right now and if he opens my kitchen cabinets and rummages through them one more time,I am going to scream.I tried asking him if I can find something for him a few times, to no avail.


I have this also with a close friend. I stopped inviting her. I told her beforehand and during. She waits until I am napping.

I especially dislike strangers doing this. They come as a guest of my guests.

What really galls me is when guests criticize my house. I realize it is coming from jealously, but what happened to if you can't say something nice - shut up?
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amother
Rose


 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 6:39 am
My friends behave,but we now have an acquintance staying over. He feels very much at home,too much so. How do u politely ask ppl not yo open cabinets? All the plasticware is out.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 6:43 am
I think you really have to know your host.
One I've been to is very laid back with her kids and let's them play and touch everything and has encouraged me to do the same with mine. She doesn't want me policing my kids on her behalf. The same person has also told me that I'm such and easy guest because I take what I need from her fridge and cupboards and don't expect to be served. I get that second sentiment. When I myself have guests I also don't want to be busy all the time asking them what they want and appreciate when they take care of themselves.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 6:44 am
Sorry double post

Last edited by Zehava on Sun, Aug 27 2017, 7:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 7:15 am
amother wrote:
My friends behave,but we now have an acquintance staying over. He feels very much at home,too much so. How do u politely ask ppl not yo open cabinets? All the plasticware is out.


You have to be firm. Repeat repeat repeat!
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Shoshana37




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 8:15 pm
Wow totally not cool. We recently bought a house and I made some new friends in the neighborhood and I feel like every Shabbat they would just pop up with out invitation. Few weeks ago I couldn't take it anymore and I told them I'm very tired due to work and I need rest on Shabbat.
Seriously I work all week long and I dream of Shabbat afternoons just to pick up my book read or just take a nap. So enough is enough I'm learning how to stay away.
I think people should have common sense.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 9:26 pm
If only dil's would also not like they own their mil house....nothing's wrong with a dil being heimish in her in laws home but it comes to a point where enough is enough.... leaving dirty pampers all over the place.... going up to her room after meals-won't even take her own plate off the table.... leaving her apricots/peach pits on the table for others to clean up
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mommyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 9:44 pm
Just curious .. if this was your daughter and not your DIL .. would u be complaining or would u be thinking " wow my poor daughter must be so overwhelmed and tired from her baby, cuz this is so unlike her usual thoughtful nature.. !"

Not defending or anything , just curious
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amother
Tan


 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 10:12 pm
mommyfirst wrote:
Just curious .. if this was your daughter and not your DIL .. would u be complaining or would u be thinking " wow my poor daughter must be so overwhelmed and tired from her baby, cuz this is so unlike her usual thoughtful nature.. !"

Not defending or anything , just curious

A mother could ask her daughter to help and she probably would do so much quicker than ask her dil for help. I hear what you're saying abt being so overwhelmed- if it would happen once I'd understand, it's a constant... shell leave the milk out on the table, won't clean up after her kids... are mil meant to be slaves to their dil?
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 27 2017, 11:46 pm
If any guest acted like the OP's guest, that would be their one and only visit.

Their behavior is so out of what is permissible that I am speechless. Frankly I would probably be completely explicit in a firm (not nasty way) about letting them know they had overstepped boundaries - I.e. that they were not to come before x time and that you would not be able to take care of their children if they went somewhere and left them.

If one had the misfortune of having a relative who behaved so boorishly and thus had to put up with, then one should be even clearly about setting up the "rules of the house" - perhaps even with humorous signs.

As to the post about DIL, my sympathies because relationships with in laws have a different dynamic than how one behaves with one's flesh and blood. One can tell the son or daughter to behave in a certain way generally without worrying that the relationship will be permanently altered because there is a lifetime of interactions. That would not be true of an in law - especially when the relationship is relatively new - I.e. assuming so since there are diapers in the picture.
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