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Stop blaming your mom!!!!!!! VENT
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amother
Natural


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:02 am
I'm a mom, as are a lot of you here. I'm also are daughter, as we all are. I make mistakes. I yell dumb things sometimes, I've even hit, as did my own parents. By imamother standards my parents were probably abusive. I've written stuff here and that's what you all told me.

But oh man- what is it with the world that everyone wants to blame their mom? She didn't understand me. Didn't appreciate me for what I truly am. Didn't let me be myself. Expected too much of me. Narcissistic. Blah blah blah.

Well I hope my own kids will be more understanding, just as I try to understand my own parents, and I urge you to try to understand yours. They were under financial pressure. Tired. Young and inexperienced. Older and burnt out. Had many kids to deal with. Had a disabled child to deal with. Were raised by holocaust survivor parents who didn't have a clue.

Whatever it was- we all get the parents that G-d thinks we need. And He knows better than us. And most parents love their children absolutely and want ONLY what's best for them. But you know what? MOST humans mess up and make unintentional mistakes.

So let's all cut our parents a bit of slack. Let's stop feeling that they were intentionally trying to just wreck our lives. Let's appreciate all the hard work that they put into raising us. Let's go tell them thank you, I love you.

And may we be rewarded with our children doing the same for us.

Thank you

vent over
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:13 am
I talk about this with my Dh sometimes. we were both raised in less than ideal situations (to put it delicately!). But he still loves his parents. and I don't. I've thought a lot about why that is.

and I think its because along with everything crazy he got love. What I got was mostly apathy and anger. I cannot think of any happy memories of my childhood while he does. They don't necessarily directly involve his parents, but he was in happy situations where there was love flowing.

I believe that children and indeed all humans have a tremendous capacity for understanding and allowing for the mistakes of others. But it has to come along with the positive. If you really love your child but make mistakes, they may not like it but they will accept it. But if you don't provide love or warmth or caring, then its hard to accept the mistakes. That's my experience.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:17 am
amother wrote:
...
But oh man- what is it with the world that everyone wants to blame their mom? She didn't understand me. Didn't appreciate me for what I truly am. Didn't let me be myself. Expected too much of me. Narcissistic. Blah blah blah.
...


Your sentiments may be worthy but frankly they really discount those women here who have suffered at the hands of the their mothers, emotionally or physically. I suggest you spend some time reading some of the threads written by these women who have been unalterably damaged.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:19 am
Many of those things you list are choices of the parents, not the children. So you can't really expect a child to not feel some type of way if they feel they have been wronged in some way. And these feelings can last all the way into adulthood if not resolved or if they are completely dismissed. I can't speak for everyone, but I would love an acknowledgement from my mother that yes, she messed up (won't go into specifics). But she'd rather sweep things under the wrong or become extremely defensive, which doesn't give me the closure I need.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:26 am
You can at the same time blame less than an ideal child-raising as the source of why you now have problems...and understand the circumstances of your childhood that caused mom to do what she did.

And... work it out in therapy so that you can try to overcome what ever the issue is...
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:28 am
If ever I am having a hard day (sleepless night, lots of pressure from various responsibilities, you name it) and raise my voice at my child, I ALWAYS apologize. And I try to figure out how to avoid it in the future.
Sure, parents can make mistakes. But is there a genuine apology? Is there a genuine effort to correct those mistakes and avoid them in the future?
If yes, then we can cut them some slack.
If not, not. That's the difference in my opinion.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:41 am
allthingsblue wrote:
If ever I am having a hard day (sleepless night, lots of pressure from various responsibilities, you name it) and raise my voice at my child, I ALWAYS apologize. And I try to figure out how to avoid it in the future.
Sure, parents can make mistakes. But is there a genuine apology? Is there a genuine effort to correct those mistakes and avoid them in the future?
If yes, then we can cut them some slack.
If not, not. That's the difference in my opinion.


and if despite all that when your child grows up has some problems in life that he directly connects to the fact he was raised by a mom who had too much on her plate (ie he blames you) - what would you say to that?

I'd say - I did the best I could - I'm sorry you're struggling. Go talk to a therapist who can help.

(note - I'm not referring to knowingly abusive parenting).
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:41 am
My SIL was a therapist in a large frum community. She then moved out of town and now has a mostly non-Jewish clientele. She is disturbed by her observation that her frum clients seemed to have much more resentment towards their parents even though her non-Jewish clients frequently had much more legitimate grievances towards them.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:47 am
of course there are horrible abusive circumstances and some parents traumatized their children in ways I cannot begin to fathom.

What I do agree with OP on is that I also sometimes see entitled adult children who are upset because they didn't get this or that and I see moms who feel horribly guilty for occasional screw ups- kids are generally resilient and if you love them but flip out once in a while and yell at them, there's no long term harm. And if you as an adult child are unhappy because your parents didn't give you a downpayment for your home or didn't come to each of your school performances or whatever- that's when you just need to get over it.
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Lizzie4




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:52 am
I like what you said about every generation's challenges being different...
And don't do things you don't want your kids to do back to you.

They can complain about:
- Labeling, Overdiagnosing and misdiagnosing your kids (can have lost-lasting effects)
- Obsession with technology to the point of not really being "there" for your kids
- Working and raising kids simultaneously and not really having it together, not having time for your kids or not being emotionally available for them
- Obsession with perfection and that your kids always have to look and act perfect. the need to constantly impress

Before you judge your parents take a good look at yourself first.
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amother
Black


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:25 pm
When my mother apologized for my childhood, and expressed her regret and guilt, it made me feel worse. Until then I dismissed it for the reasons you mentioned. But I'm still dealing with unresolved issues that my parents knew about as a teen and they ignored it. If you knew your otherwise normal 13 year old started experimenting with drugs (an example) and ignored it until she became a full blown addict and suffers to this day, then yes, you deserve the blame. You have a responsibility to take care of your child when they don't know how to.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:28 pm
Lizzie4 wrote:
I like what you said about every generation's challenges being different...
And don't do things you don't want your kids to do back to you.

They can complain about:
- Labeling, Overdiagnosing and misdiagnosing your kids (can have lost-lasting effects)
- Obsession with technology to the point of not really being "there" for your kids
- Working and raising kids simultaneously and not really having it together, not having time for your kids or not being emotionally available for them
- Obsession with perfection and that your kids always have to look and act perfect. the need to constantly impress

Before you judge your parents take a good look at yourself first.

And those are real complaints.

I guess I'm biased because I grew up with severe abuse, but I definitely look back at my childhood and give credit where credit is due. Good and bad. I do it as a way of healing.
I also take responsibility for my actions. I definitely give credit where credit is due, when my biases don't get in the way of me seeing truth, with regard to my parenting.
I also will stay in therapy for many years to come to work on the challenges I face growing up the way I did.

All that being said, if a child grows up with parents who does all of the above in your post, that child can very well give his parents credit for hurting him in that way.

(Blame just spreads hurt and does not allow for growth, in my experience)
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:41 pm
True, but WE ARE only human. If you felt pain from your parents it's PERFECTLY normal to be angry or upset. It's even NATURAL. As someone that HAS been abused, I must say you are right, yet I can't let go of the pain it caused me. Causing me problems that I have till today. I try to forgive and cut slack, but it isn't easy.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:44 pm
amother wrote:
You can at the same time blame less than an ideal child-raising as the source of why you now have problems...and understand the circumstances of your childhood that caused mom to do what she did.

And... work it out in therapy so that you can try to overcome what ever the issue is...


I'm a therapist and I find this issue comes up with clients a lot. It is not helpful to place blame - and say, "Well, my mother was like this, so that's why I'm having trouble with..." - but it is helpful to understand the cause and effect process. It's incredibly validating for a young mom to realize that she struggles with parenting not because she herself is flawed as a person, but because she was never taught the right way. And that in turn opens up the path for her to learn it herself. It's useful in context, but not as an excuse.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:44 pm
amother wrote:
My SIL was a therapist in a large frum community. She then moved out of town and now has a mostly non-Jewish clientele. She is disturbed by her observation that her frum clients seemed to have much more resentment towards their parents even though her non-Jewish clients frequently had much more legitimate grievances towards them.


As someone who went thru a difficult childhood (I love my parents, actually, and have honored them tremendously, but I still feel resentment on my being "adultfied" at such a young age, and other things that went on) I'm going to try to put into words why that may be so.

Perhaps in the non-Jewish community people are able to be open about their issues, and kids can get support from their peers as well as from adults.

I grew up in a very sheltered community, and so much was swept under the rug. I sat in a classroom with kids whose mothers prepared their lunches and snacks, and sent them off with love, care, and coddling. I heard teachers preach about appreciation to our parents for lots of external things they do - but mine didn't. I was surrounded by a community of educators, neighbors, and friends who couldn't fathom the pain of children like me in their midst. The expectations my teachers had of me were equivalent to kids who had the support they needed to achieve. There was little training about how to handle kids from challenging homes. I was expected to maintain a facade of normalcy like everyone else.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
I'm a therapist and I find this issue comes up with clients a lot. It is not helpful to place blame - and say, "Well, my mother was like this, so that's why I'm having trouble with..." - but it is helpful to understand the cause and effect process. It's incredibly validating for a young mom to realize that she struggles with parenting not because she herself is flawed as a person, but because she was never taught the right way. And that in turn opens up the path for her to learn it herself. It's useful in context, but not as an excuse.


Agree. I realized that I lacked parenting skills when my kids were quite young - when things got stressful, my immediate model was my parents. Therapy validated the pain I felt at this lack, and pointed me in the direction of acquiring those skills as an adult.

thank you for understanding. I'm finding your post to be very validating, too.

And to anyone out there who had a childhood like mine - you CAN learn new skills, and even if you carry pain from your childhood, you can still function as an effective and loving parent, which is also incredibly validating.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 1:26 pm
I grew up in a very sheltered community, and so much was swept under the rug. I sat in a classroom with kids whose mothers prepared their lunches and snacks, and sent them off with love, care, and coddling. I heard teachers preach about appreciation to our parents for lots of external things they do - but mine didn't. I was surrounded by a community of educators, neighbors, and friends who couldn't fathom the pain of children like me in their midst. The expectations my teachers had of me were equivalent to kids who had the support they needed to achieve. There was little training about how to handle kids from challenging homes. I was expected to maintain a facade of normalcy like everyone else.//


Yes! I find the pretending to be the hardest of all. I agree with your reasoning that the level of resentment can possibly be linked to the expectations that everything is fine. When the world around you is telling you that your parents love you and nothing seems to indicate that in real life, its just so chaotic inside. Thank you for this post. It was very comforting to me that someone else felt the same.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 2:32 pm
My parents messed up big time and I've though about this and discussed this with my sibling an awful lot. We came to the conclusion that there are two types of mistakes parents make. 1) The regular human slip ups that are inevitable here and there. 2) When the whole parenting is on the wrong track. Everything follows the same distorted line of thinking. It's no. 2 that messes up kids and is much harder to forgive. Also, if you deposit a lot of love into your child's emotional bank account, then when you make a withdrawal (acting out of anger or strong discipline) there will still be something there. But if there's no love being deposited, the account is in the red. I agree that blaming doesn't help practically, but anyone who has suffered from a "negative balance" in their "account" cannot be judged.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:03 pm
amother wrote:
My parents messed up big time and I've though about this and discussed this with my sibling an awful lot. We came to the conclusion that there are two types of mistakes parents make. 1) The regular human slip ups that are inevitable here and there. 2) When the whole parenting is on the wrong track. Everything follows the same distorted line of thinking. It's no. 2 that messes up kids and is much harder to forgive. Also, if you deposit a lot of love into your child's emotional bank account, then when you make a withdrawal (acting out of anger or strong discipline) there will still be something there. But if there's no love being deposited, the account is in the red. I agree that blaming doesn't help practically, but anyone who has suffered from a "negative balance" in their "account" cannot be judged.

I've come to this conclusion as well. Spot on.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:31 pm
If a mom made a mistake bc she's human and therefore didn't really push her son to accomplish something bc deep down she didn't believe in him, then fine, she can apologize and try to make it up to Him now as an adult. But, if that same mom still acts the same way and treats her son as if he's worthless or can't accomplish much now as an adult, then yes it is the mom's fault and the mom didn't make a mistake.

Should the son move on with therapy or...to try to push himself and believe in himself?? Yes. It would not help him if he sits back and says I can't accomplish anything bckoo my mom doesn't believe in me.

But, op, if you say mom's just made mistakes....well, maybe you didnt experience what others posted in different threads about their moms, or you are not showing sympathy or understanding to others.
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