Why did she say that?!

amother

Purple

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:24 pm

I am so upset right now. Our finances are very tight right now and we owe thousands of dollars to our dds' school. School starts next week and we're really not sure how we're going to work this out.

Besides for all that, this school only sends the supplies list with the admission cards. We haven't paid, so no admission cards, so no supplies list. For me that's on the bottom of my list of problems, but my kids are used to getting the list earlier in the summer and keep asking for it. I told them it probably just got lost in the mail and I will call the school, and then I keep "forgetting" to call.

One of my dd's decided to ask her friend if she could photocopy her list. She came home and told me that the friend's mother told her that if we didn't get it yet, it means we owe the school money! We are trying to hard not to let our kids know how bad things are for us, they know things are tight, and that we're being careful not to spend on extras, but they have no idea that we owe money, to the schools and a lot of credit card debt unfortunately.

Why the h*ll would someone tell her daughter that? What kind of jerk would do that? I'm so upset, I locked myself in my room so my kids won't see me crying. I just can't understand why she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

amother

Purple

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:35 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Oh my gosh OP I have no words. Totally flabbergasted. I only hope that mother realized what she did and is kicking herself right now.

I can only hope so. I don't know her well enough that I would feel comfortable saying something to her, but I'm just so mad at her right now.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 7:46 pm

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Of course, you are trying to shield your kids from your financial struggles. It is so insensitive of that parent to tell her child that if your d's didn't get the list, it means her parents didn't pay the school everything.

MrsDash

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 8:03 pm

Even if her kid asked why her friend didn't get the list say, "I DONT KNOW." What kind of person says something like that to their child? I have rich friends, poor friends, and everything inbetween. Never in a million years would I even hint to others financial situation to my children. What a lousy thing to do! Luckily, children are super resilient. After you tell them that everything is okay, and there's nothing to worry about, they will soon get over that unfortunate incident. Hug

anon for this

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 8:52 pm

I am so sorry that happened.

Was this something that the mother to your dd today, or that your dd's friend told your dd she heard from her mother? If it's the latter, it might have been said in a different context. Maybe the friend once heard her parents discussing their own tuition situation, and heard them say that they wouldn't get the supply list until their tuition bill was paid up. So when your dd asked her friend to copy the list, the friend remembered that conversation between her parents and repeated what she'd heard.

I hope your situation improves soon.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 8:57 pm

omg! I'm so livid on your behalf! I'd be FURIOUS if this happened to me!
I'd call her and ask if it's possible to get a copy, because I want to shield my daughter.
Like ignore the fact that she may have said that to your/her daughter.
Or, find another person whom you can ask for a list.
main thing is that you get the list now, so that you can have one less thing to worry about.

seeker

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 10:06 pm

That is too obnoxious. What does it cost her to share the supply list? I don't even get this whole policy; if parents are stressed about getting tuition together in time, they need to add on top of that the stress of not getting their supplies ready in time? Or the embarrassment of asking someone else for the supply list when everyone knows what that means? Ew. I'm so sorry OP. I hope your daughter didn't take it as hard as you did. Sometimes kids don't think as deeply about the same things - just because she heard that you didn't pay tuition yet doesn't mean she'll know you can't, maybe she'll just think you didn't do it yet because you're doing it tomorrow.

debsey

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 10:46 pm

seeker wrote:

I have no words, OP. May Hashem bless you with revach so that you can pay all your bills with ease and gladness.

@seeker - I've never understood this either.

How does hurting some little kid's exciting back to school experience help the parents pay tuition? I promise 99.9% of people who owe tuition aren't owing for the fun of it!

Not to mention, making people whose finances are already stretched buy school supplies late and not take advantage of sales also makes no sense.

In terms of your dd's friend's mother, I'm curious why she's bothering to educate her kids in a Bais Yaakov school if she cares so little about chinuch.

Hold your head up high, OP. Your kids may feel the pinch of money troubles, but her kids will be raised with poverty of spirit, and that's much worse.

amother

Coral

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 10:57 pm

What a horrible mother!

Try to remember - Busha Mechaperes.

what I will learn from this, (it should be a zechus for you) is to not discuss financial topics of this nature when my kids are in earshot, so that they won't accidentally repeat to their friends something that's hurtful and they shouldn't be knowing about.

amother

Purple

Thu, Aug 31 2017, 11:21 pm

Thanks ladies for your kind words. I feel much better now B"H. I love imamother so much for these things. There have been so many times when I vented about something I didn't want to discuss irl and ended up feeling so much better, thanks to all of you.

Just wanted to clarify that she did give us a copy. Also, I'm not positive, but from the way my daughter repeated it, it sounded like the mother said it as a response to the friend telling her that we want a copy of the list. I can't be sure, but I didn't want to start questioning my dd and turn it into a whole issue, I just told her the lady was mistaken and went on with the conversation.

animeme

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 9:13 am

As a bit of perspective, it's possible that the mother was misguidedly trying to help. I have had my admission card not come and not known why, and upon calling the school, found out that we forgot to pay for a journal ad or one of our kids lost school library books and we didn't pay. We hadn't known or remembered, and as little as $30 held it up.

There's money and there's money. It may not have occured to the mom that you haven't paid tuition, and she thinks she's helping you by pointing out something you can easily deal with. Likewise, your daughter may have no clue what owing means either.

mommyhood

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 9:37 am

animeme wrote:

This is what I was thinking. If my kids asked why someone didn't get admission cards I would say there's likely some fees or paperwork that was missed and it usually gets resolved easily. In our school the business office is mobbed the few days before school with people figuring out why they didn't get admission cards. My first assumption would not be that they owe thousands. It's possible that the mother didn't realize this was a sensitive topic since it's so common.

vicki

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 9:43 am

animeme wrote:

This was my first thought as well.
I can't imagine that she was purposely saying - "Only 100% solvent parents get the supplies list. Better luck next time."

amother

Black

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 10:33 am

Im so sorry this happened. Now that it's happened, be proactive in saving your daughter from shame. Say something very casually like "that mom's right. Likely Totty or I mistake only left out a fee, like the building fund, or book fee, I'll have to be in touch with the office and apologize about that.". That way it's not some big, scary monster like " my parents can't pay tuition!! ". Hope this helps!

Chayalle

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 10:43 am

Also want to add that, not sure what the culture/climate is where you live, but it's not like it's so abnormal or crazy....I hear from people all the time that they need to complete registration...they haven't gotten around to it...they have to meet with the school administrator, who was away for the summer, or they were away for the summer...I was just shmoozing with a relative last week and she casually said that she finally got to the school and settled registration.

That friend's mother, if she said what she did, was totally out of line. But from your perspective, no reason for your kid to feel like their the only one.