Soon to be 13 yr old DD is exasperating

amother

Purple

Mon, Sep 04 2017, 10:20 pm

I feel like there is nothing I can do that will get my DD to listen, think and act. When she is together with her friends at our house, I get so frustrated. Today, she left a mess downstairs in a recently redone bathroom, after making homemade silly putty with glitter. The whole basement has recently been redone so I like it to be kept neat...you know, no shoe marks or dings or holes in the walls from carelessness, stains on the rug, broken lamps...just the basics!

When her friends are over she seems to forget we are not a grocery store or cafe open for business 24/7 for her friends to partake at any time. Only to leave crumbs on the floor, spills on the table, empty containers in the pantry!

When it's Shabbos, one of her friends regularly rides over on a skate-board type thing and my DD knows I don't allow her to ride it on Shabbos. But because her friend is doing it and I don't watch her non stop she'll go off to her friends back on the skate board type thing. "Oops, I forgot..." is the answer I get.

The point is, when she is with her friends, she is caught up in the fun of having fun and "forgets" my wishes. If her friend is over for the majority of the day, her room is wrecked and much of the house they spend time in is too...I feel like a nag but she is driving me nuts!

Maybe other mom's have that kind of patience.

If she cleaned up her messes without a fight every time, things might be different. I don't know how to get through to her and for her to respect the rules. She has had privileges taken away before, and it doesn't help.

On top of it all, she is so moody...

amother

Teal

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 8:18 am

Your daughter's behavior is typical of a healthy teen. Time to read every book on parenting during the teen years. And time to learn to 1. Set expectations for her behavior when she has friends over and 2. Design a set of middah kneged middah consequences if your expectations are not met.

Here is how to set expectations: write a list of every behavior that bothers you. Then write a new list, in a positive tone, of the good behavior you expect. An example of the positive list:

1. You may only use the new basement for quiet activities like board games and DVDs. All messy, art type activities must take place in (specify area).

2. You may only take snacks x and y from the second shelf in pantry when your friends are here. All eating must take place at the kitchen table.

And so forth. Read the list together with your daughter and make sure she goes around the house and shoes you each activity, and where she will perform those activities.

Then talk to her about consequences. An example: if she and her friends empty out all your snacks, you will not provide any food at her next gathering. If she and her friends make a mess in the basement, it will be off limits at the next gathering. Etc. Finally, if she breaks your rules two more times, she will be grounded from having friends over for a month.

It is hard, and enforcing your boundaries is tedious and time consuming, but it has to be done with most children and teens. Best to start now, before she tests your rules in the "big areas."

Hatzlacha and may you see a lot of nachas!
From a Mom who has to set boundaries, too.

anuta

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 7:30 pm

I may be a mean Mom but I would confront her and friends when they are about to leave and say something like, in our house we clean up after ourselves. Daughter, Friend, please sweep the crumbs off the floor and wipe the counter. Here is the broom.

For the friend who rides the toy to the house on shabbos, I would warn my daughter that if she doesn't stop I will confront the friend. I would say something like, Friend, I hope you don't mind leaving your board here until shabbos ends, because you know daughter is not allowed to ride it and she forgets. If she balks at it, I would not let the daughter go to her place. You can tell your daughter that you won't let her go to her friends place if she brings the board before it all has to play out