Baby named with same name as ex?

tichellady

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:36 pm

Every single response has said your sister did nothing wrong. You don't agree and don't seem interested in hearing a different point of view. Do you have reason to assume your sister would be trying to hurt you intentionally? It would have been nice if she knew that this would hurt you and said something to you, but honestly she is not a mind reader and maybe she thought that mentioning the connection would upset you. Maybe she was trying to be sensitive by not saying anything. What do you gain by vilifying your sister?

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:39 pm

tichelllady, so she is being sensitive by not mentioning this to me but naming her son this name is sensitive?
so for 120 years I should think about it??

really??

MrsDash

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:44 pm

amother wrote:

tichelllady, so she is being sensitive by not mentioning this to me but naming her son this name is sensitive?
so for 120 years I should think about it??

really??

What's done is done. The child was officially named. No going back now. You have to figure out how to deal with this for the rest of your life. Best thing I can think of is starting a little nickname, (Benyomin - Benny/Ben, Moshe - Moish/Mo, Avigdor - Vigg/Viggy, etc.) and hope it catches on. That way, any time the child's name is mentioned, it won't drive you nuts hearing it.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:47 pm

the name doesn't bother me really- I feel like I am getting over it. It's the shock of not being warned that I seem to not be able to get over

tichellady

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:50 pm

amother wrote:

tichelllady, so she is being sensitive by not mentioning this to me but naming her son this name is sensitive?
so for 120 years I should think about it??

really??

If it's a normal name then she probably doesn't associate this person with the name the way you do. Maybe her whole life she wanted a child with this name. You need to think about other people with this name who you don't hate. Let's say the name is "moshe". Think of the original moshe, moshe rabbenu, his humility, his refusal to stand and watch as people were mistreated, how much he gave up for his people, etc. that is who the baby is named for.

MrsDash

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:50 pm

amother wrote:

the name doesn't bother me really- I feel like I am getting over it. It's the shock of not being warned that I seem to not be able to get over

It stings now, just like any other ordeal, but with time, the pain will begin to fade.

tichellady

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:53 pm

Have you done therapy? I really think you could benefit from it. It seems like you have not moved past what happened and it's affecting your marriage and now your relationship with your sister. I hope you find healing

Iymnok

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:59 pm

How long has it been since you broke up with him?
I hope you realize that there are many many other men in the world with the same name who are sensitive people with beautiful middos. Daven that your sweet nephew should bring nachas to Hashem and his family.

tichellady

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 3:59 pm

amother wrote:

this is her 5th boy!

and my grandfather was never named after so she has names to pick

So what do you think is going on here? Why don't you think of a bunch of possible scenarios for how this baby came to have this name?

Maybe your sister was waiting until you were married before choosing this name because she was trying to be considerate. If you are married, it's not crazy for her to assume that you are over this.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 4:01 pm

I am happily married.

my other sister had a similar situation with a boy. He caused so much pain to my family- my parents as well, that I would never in a million years mention that name because of the pain it would bring up.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 4:06 pm

amother wrote:

You are not your sister.

Accept that if she had any clue how much this would bother you, she would have warned you.

DrMom

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 4:12 pm

I can understand how awful this must feel for you. You were really hurt by this jerk and now you have to spend the rest of your life using this name for a dear nephew.

Although I agree with others about your sister having the right to use whatever name she wants, I do actually think it was pretty insensitive of her not to think about this. Did she know what this guy did to you, and the extent of the emotional damage he inflicted? How long ago did this happen?

Since it is a common name, maybe she didn't even make the association. Did they say at the brit milah why they chose that name?

But what's done is done. Now try to figure out how to cope - use a nickname, or a first-and-middle name combo when addressing your nephew.

Maybe the name will have more positive associations once you use it for your nephew and the memory of your ex fades into the past.

DrMom

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 4:15 pm

I just saw the part about you being married to another man now.

So I assume this happened a while ago...

That kind of shifts my perception of the situation a bit...

Maybe she wanted to use the name earlier but held back because of your ex, and now she assumes it would be unlikely to cause any problem?

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 4:19 pm

We named after dh close relative who had two names. One wasnt such a common name that we didn't like so much, the other we liked but was the same as my sister's ex. We gave both names but I didn't dream of calling him by the same name as my sister's ex. We always use the other one. It would even hurt me knowing how much he hurt her.

That being said as long as she's usually nice and kind to you and ect I don't think she ment bad. I'm by nature a very sensitive, deep person and always think/pick up on those things. But I could totally see someone who's not like that not even giving it a second though to name their baby that name - nothing bad about them just a different nature that they dont think into these things as much

dancingqueen

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 7:25 pm

I get it op, and that would probably bother me too. But be dlkz your sister that she might have forgotten and is not trying to hurt you. At some later point in time you can mention that you were surprised she picked that name but let it go for now.

Miri7

Tue, Sep 05 2017, 9:18 pm

I'm sure your sister would have avoided the name if she knew how much pain it would cause you. But she didn't think about it and now it's done.

It's understandable that you feel this way and it's unfortunate that it didn't occur to your sister.

Now that it's done I would process your feelings and move past it. I hope this beautiful innocent baby will redeem the name for you. It's now his name and I hope that years from now your associations with that name are all happy thoughts of your nephew and that memories of the boyfriend are banished to the dark corners of your memory.

May he give you all much nachas.