Need suitable consequences for kids

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 6:26 pm

I'm constantly having a brain block on consequences. My husband is constantly reverting to his true tried and DISproven method of withholding treats that he is constantly agreeing to stop buying... (While we are at it consequence suggestions for husbands too please?... Do I sound exasperated by any chance?). Ok so examples of situations I need consequences for. 2 siblings who are CONSTANTLY sqaubbling.. older one complains angrily " why you stepping on my towel get off my towel why you stepping" younger one answers in a defensive tone that is in response to the yelling. "I didn't realise" .
Two seconds later the younger one calls out to me that the older one stepped on his towel. Older one responds to me with the must convincing expression and tone that worries me more then anything..."I didn't see it". After I made it very clear at this point that I didn't believe him he again started whining about the younger one stepping on his towel. (The fact the towels were in the floor in the first place is a seperate issue).
So here is where I'm angry with the older one:
a) younger one did it by accident. He did it by purpose.
B) he took revenge. A constant battle we have with him
C) he outright lied to me!!! Worse of the lot.

I'm scratching my head for a consequence for his action so I turned to my husband for help.
"Well I have something I got for them which they won't get...." Of cooooouuurrrssse... Let me guess. It's sweet and brown and sticky or something of the sort.

Ok rant over! Can anyone help me? With consequence suggestions in general and for the above. For my kids of course. My husband I'll deal with on my own some other time, when I'm not all bent out of shape.
Thanks in advance
-Burnt out mom!

dancingqueen

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 6:37 pm

Seems like a minor squabble, does there really need to be a consequence?

saw50st8

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 6:40 pm

Read Raising Human Beings and Siblings without Rivalry

das

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 6:42 pm

I do not believe that discipline by "consequences" is effective.

OutATowner

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 7:13 pm

Don't give consequences for the above. Give them tools and the terminology to react when frustrated/aggravated/annoyed.
To older one "you were very upset when he stepped on your towel. Say, please try not to step on my towel." Ask him what he can do to prevent it, try to get him to decide it is a good idea to hang up his towel.
Use key phrases over and over so you don't have to explain. In my house those are words like problem solve, flexible, mindful, make shalom. Choose what works for you, one strategy at a time.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 7:22 pm

Your children don't need consequences they need conflict resolution skills. The whole towel thing is meh. Yea sure I don't have to listen to them, but when I did I learned to pick my battles.

amother

Beige

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 8:58 pm

I would ignore. Go to my room lock door. I'm a good mom btw!! When I'm up to it I explain how to communicate w words but I dont think it's good to get overly involved in sibling issues. At all other calm times I constantly point out feelings and sensitivity in ppl and hav real convos w them. About stories iv read or that theyv told me-not as a mussar.Alot of parenting today unfortunately is about strategy and tips. I feel the most important thing is being overlooked-how to build a sensitive child w character. My kids understand emotions on a level above them but they are normal and will fight just like I used to cuz its what siblings do. So I ignore. Unless theres a bullying issue...no tolerance there

amother

Beige

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 8:58 pm

Same for dh-ignore!!

pause

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 9:02 pm

I would tell Older Kid, you know what it feels like when someone steps on your towel. Please treat others the way you want to be treated. I would tell Younger Kid, I'm sorry he stepped on your towel. Here let's brush it off.
And then I'd walk away.

TeachersNotebook

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 9:05 pm

You really sound burned out - and for good reason! Maybe first step is to make sure you have adequate quiet Me time and treat yourself daily.

I'm no parenting expert, but I've heard that setting consequences in advance in collaboration with the kids is effective. That way, you're not caught trying to come up with something when you're already at your wit's end; the kids have had ample warning; and everyone understands how the consequences relate to the actions.

I agree that trying to problem solve is the best first course of action. (Remember to take care of yourself first. A few deep breaths. A drink of water. Then start...) If trying to guide them in conflict resolution isn't working, you can warn them they're getting into agreed-upon consequence territory. And as they say - consistency is key, so follow through as often as possible.

I hope you wake up tomorrow with a clear mind and a great day ahead of you! Smile

oliveoil

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 9:38 pm

why are you even getting involved in that type of squabble?

amother

cornflower

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 10:55 pm

amother wrote:

Older one responds to me with the must convincing expression and tone that worries me more then anything..."I didn't see it". After I made it very clear at this point that I didn't believe him he again started whining about the younger one stepping on his towel.

You sound like a great mother, Just a little overwhelmed like the rest of us!!!
Please don't make clear to your child that you don't believe him.
you as the mom must believe in the good of your child.
yes, it could be he did the wrong thing but it will be your belief in your child that brings out the best in him, not chas v'shalom the worst.

My mother always says:
parents (and teachers) must be a little blind, deaf, and dumb
Dont notice everything! Over look the little and unimportant things, and focus on the good.
wishing you tons of nachas from your children!

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 11:46 pm

amother wrote:

Seems like a minor squabble, does there really need to be a consequence?

kind of yes because it's part of a bigger picture that can no longer be ignored

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 11:50 pm

oliveoil wrote:

why are you even getting involved in that type of squabble?

because it's constant and the more I ignore the worse it gets.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Sep 06 2017, 11:58 pm

This is not specific to you: it's for all of us moms:
A very deep hurt happens in the heart of a child when he/she hears from a parent, "I don't believe you". So, if I felt compelled to say it, I'd say it into my pillow out of earshot of my child.
My children have "lied" to me here and there , and I never said anything about it. No need for unnecessary drama. If a child lied to me, clearly he/she felt a need to do so. It's not the end of the world. I like to think about how to be a safer parent, meaning that my child would feel safe enough to tell me the truth. B"H over the years I've figured out how to be a safer parent and I see my kids feel safe to tell me the truth. It seems,to me an advanced parenting skill, but it may just be me. Maybe I was so behind in this skill, that catching up to grade level feels like advanced skill.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 12:03 am

amother wrote:

kind of yes because it's part of a bigger picture that can no longer be ignored

Dear Op,
If you are taking sides, any consequence you decide on will likely escalate the problem. I think if you can neutralize your charge and have a heart to heart with your kids, WITHOUT blame in your heart, they may be willing to enter an agreement about being kind to each other.
If you are blaming one of them, your relationship needs first aid. A child who's blamed cannot muster any good effort to cooperate.
Hugs to you.
Btdt

Iymnok

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 4:17 am

Step back and take it very technically.
Kids aren't trying to lie most of the time if they don't feel a need to hide anything. They DO have a different sense of reality though. So though it may sound like a lie to you, it is not to them.
If two kids are arguing, they both get the same reaction from mom. equal punishment and separated.

You can also go the din torah route, go to one kid and ask, "according to you what happened?" Ignore the other child. Repeat back until he confirms that you got it right.
Do the same with the other child.
Now ask them each for a suggestion of a solution or compromise.

This can be tiring and time consuming. But it is very effective and teaches communication and problem solving.
Eventually they may dislike this so much that they will resolve it themselves as soon as you start, "According to you...".

salt

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 4:37 am

pause wrote:

And I would add to younger kid - you see how upset older brother gets when you step on his towel. I know it's hard, but try not to. And if you do, apologize.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 9:19 am

My daughter is 5 and colored with crayons all over the wall!! She knows good and well she's not allowed to do that. Can someone please give me a good punishment / consequence idea? I told her I have to think about it and so now I'm doing research lol...

GetReal

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 10:01 am

amother wrote:

The only logical consequence is having her help you clean it.

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