Consequence for locking doors

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 5:39 pm

4 year old keeps locking doors on us. Like we'll be in the yard and he'll go inside and lock is out. Or he'll lock himself in the bathroom (not to use the bathroom but to do stuff he knows he shouldn't be doing) or lock himself in rooms with a lock. We are able to get in, but that's not the point. He should not be locking doors, it's not safe. He knows not to. He gets punished when he does it, either with a timeout, or cleaning up the mess he makes while we were locked out, or getting a favorite toy taken away. He still does it. How can we make it sink in that he can't lock doors?

amother

Tan

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 5:50 pm

Not answering the question but noticing that when he puts himself in a room alone and locks the door he is effectively giving himself a time out and then you are rewarding him- with a timeout.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 6:26 pm

I'm not a neat freak at all, btw, I'm actually quite messy myself. But some things are just not ok. Like dumping out all the shampoo and soaps in the bathroom. Or pulling the drawers out of the dressers. Or smashing berries into the carpet (and yes, we have a no food outside the kitchen rule. He still brings food to his room and smushes it into the carpet.)

amother

Tan

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 6:43 pm

So I have a kd who used to be like this and like you I tried to parent the old-fashioned way to get him to stop these behaviors. But with kids today it doesn't work. You have work out what he is getting out of the things he is doing so they he can get what he needs without driving you crazy.

For example - the shampoo and the berries both sound like they could be fulfilling sensory needs, which means that having toys in a playroom that he can mess up will not help. You need a space for him to really do messy play. Finger painting, silly putty, sensory sand, playdo- that sort of thing.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 7:15 pm

Oh, he's definitely very sensory. He has playdo and kinetic sand and other messy stuff (which I learned from experience must stay confined to an area, otherwise it ends up in very annoying places). He loves to help bake, especially when there's dough or hand mixing involved. When I read to him at bed time he squishes the fat on my stomach. So yes, definitely a sensory thing. He also does not care about safety. And the locking thing is a safety issue that really needs to stop.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 7:32 pm

If you are ok with the occasional potch, and since your saying there's a safety element here, I personally would be in this case. Warn him and explain to him carefully that he'll get one next time. And then of course carry through. Make sure it's clear that youre not out of control with anger. I can't imagine he would do it again after that. It should be enough of a deterrent.
Now, I don't need everyone yelling at me that I'm abusive. I'm not. If this advice is not for you, and you don't like it, move on. Yes, I know that not everyone agrees with this in today's day and age.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:16 pm

amother wrote:

Have you done any reading AT ALL about the lifelong after effects of corporal punishment?

I know you don't think you do it, that a potch isn't the same. BUT IT IS

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:33 pm

amother wrote:

Have you done any reading AT ALL about the lifelong after effects of corporal punishment?

I know you don't think you do it, that a potch isn't the same. BUT IT IS

I haven't at all.
I'm going off my own personal experience. Got a potch here and there, very infrequently and probably not past age 5 or 6. I don't have any lifelong effects. Doesn't seem like my siblings do either.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 9:59 pm

I don't potch. I don't have the easiest kids (I have one on the spectrum, another with ADHD, the one who is the subject of this post probably has ADHD, we don't know for sure yet), but on principle we do not potch. I know a lot of techniques because of having special needs kids, but this one is really giving me a run for my money here and I need more ideas because clearly what I already know doesn't work. But I won't potch him no matter how crazy he makes me.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Sep 10 2017, 11:14 pm

If there are rooms that need to stay unlocked when he's awake perhaps you can put a towel on the top of the door so it can't close. Not a solution if that door needs to be locked by other people (for example a main bathroom). Otherwise perhaps a hook and eye lock high on the outside of the door so that an adult can reach it to open it to get in but it is out of reach for a child and useless if they want to lock themselves in the bathroom. However, if you also have older children, they may use this outside lock to lock someone in against their will.

myname1

Mon, Sep 11 2017, 2:59 am

Similar to PP, I was going to ask why you can't lock the door when nobody is inside. My kids are still younger than yours, but when one learned to go in and lock the door, I locked him out. Slightly annoying to have to find the key (up high somewhere) before getting into a room, but better than having to worry about what he's doing and how I'll get him out. Depends on the type of door/lock, I guess, but seems worth considering. When we went into the garden and he liked the lock us out game, I started bringing the key out and locking us all out myself. Doesn't work with more independent kids I guess, but could be worth a shot. It sounds to me like it's just a fun game for him to get in and make trouble when Mommy can't stop him. Like a sense of power/control. So if he can't do it for a while, I think the urge will wear off. Is he meant to be playing himself in the playroom or whatever at these times? Maybe a trip to the park or something more often would give him more of an active outlet in case it's a case of boredom. Best of luck!

myname1

Mon, Sep 11 2017, 5:47 am

salt wrote:

Take the keys away. He shouldn't be able to lock himself into a room. It can be dangerous.

I was assuming it was a door with a lock you turn on the inside, so you can't really take that "key" away. But then you should be able to have a key to unlock it pretty quickly. And if it is a door with a key inside (so you can't put a key in outside at the same time), you could just take away that key. So what kind of locks are these that he can lock and you have no ability to block him easily or unlock it easily?

imasinger

Mon, Sep 11 2017, 6:12 am

I have kids like yours, OP.

At age 4, I think the easiest thing to do is remove temptation. Take off the lock to the bathroom door, and replace it with an out of reach (even on his stool) hook and eye. Get a fridge lock, and if he takes food out of the kitchen, he is not allowed to access those berries himself for some period of time. Keep the playdough or the shampoo on a high shelf.

Locking the family out of the house is the most serious infraction, and may need a research poster he puts together with your help on why it is dangerous. Offer him reward for telling you when he feels like wanting to dump or squish, so you can help him find safe options.

Continue with the time outs too, as needed. And be sure to give him as much undivided positive attention as possible, and as much supervised sensory time as possible.

Hugs and hatzlacha! Be sure you and he get enough sleep, you'll both need it!

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Sep 11 2017, 7:09 am

The only lock that has a key is the door to the house. I guess I'll just have to take the key with me when we go to the yard and lock the door till we're gong back in. The rooms in the house don't have key locks, they have the kind that you can open with a coin. So I can get in easily, but sometimes it takes a couple of minutes to find a coin. Some rooms I can keep locked when not in use, not as simple with the bathrooms (other people need to be able to use them quickly). We have a fridge lock but he can open it, he was able to figure out every one we tried. He climbs to get things on high shelves. I'm really short and there's only so high I can put stuff anyway. And he can climb.

amother

Gold

Mon, Sep 11 2017, 7:54 am

imasinger wrote:

I second this advice. My son was similar was well and this was the only thing that worked.