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Sick neighbors daughter in my house every day
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:00 pm
My neighbor is unfortunalty very sick right now. My heart goes out to her and her family and I daven for her every day. Her daughter is friends with my daughter and she's in my house every single day. While I really do want to help them out I'm human and it's really getting to be too much for me. I'm not sure what to do, just grin and bear it because they could use the extra help or am I allowed to say no?

Just to give you a clear picture she was in my house ok Sunday from 12:30-7:30 and Monday Tuesday Wednesday she came over every day straight from school.

I'm never asked in advance she just shows up and my daughter opens the door for her. If I don't answer the door she opens the mail slot and talks into the house or goes home and calls again and again.

Can I tell her it's enough or just accept that she's going thru a hard time and let her lee coming??
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:02 pm
Can you contact an org that helps out in these situations and ask if they can take her out for a bit?
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:04 pm
I would grin and bare it. We are Jews & we help each other out. Is there someone taking care of the family that you can talk to? Like an aunt or grandma? Maybe they c an take her kid.
Good luck!
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:05 pm
And to add to it I have a 5 week old baby. I'm really at my wits end.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:07 pm
Do you have other neighbors that can set up a rotation for her to play?
Is the mother sending the child over, or is she just coming by herself? If she's coming by herself, I think you can let her know it's not a good time now, or she needs to go home after an hour.
If the mother is actually sending her, that is much trickier to deal with.
Do any nearby ppl have teens who can play with the girl for a while?
Poor kid must be scared & lonely and found a safe haven to play in.
You are ding an amazing thing opening your home to her!
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:14 pm
I think you can do both. If she is old enough to call then I assume she is at least 5 or 6. You can tell her she can come for a certain amount of time and then send her home. You don't have to have her over every Sunday for 7 hours. You can also say she needs to go home by 6 pm on a school night.

If you set some boundaries you will be more able to have her over.
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isrmss91




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:14 pm
Feel bad for her. But you have to draw the line. She can not just walk into your house on her own. What if something C'V happens. You are responsible for it. Maybe hard to talk to the mother, but is the father in the picture? I know he has a lot on his plate, but the care of his child, while going through this difficult situation must be dealt with. You are starting to feel resentful, which is not good for you are the child. Maybe call the school and see if the girl can have alternate places to be, not only at your house.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:15 pm
Maybe your dd can go over there now and then? Then she calls the shots by leaving rather than struggling to oust an unwanted guest.
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amother
Red


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:18 pm
Kudos to you but with a 5 week old baby? This scenario is just too much. Where is the mother's family? Someone should be helping out and making plans for childcare, supper etc. Bh there are so many tzedakah organizations and I'm sure you have other neighbors who can help out. If this were your family member I would say grin and bear it but you are not obligated to push yourself to the edge for a neighbor, this situation sounds very off.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:27 pm
There's babysitter in her house but she doesn't like to be home with her. She was over the whole Sunday because no one was home I was upset I hadn't been asked before. She comes over herself. When I tell her it's time to leave she ignores me. Part of the problem is also that my daughter loves when she comes over and can't fathom why I would want her to leave. She's 6.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:38 pm
amother wrote:
There's babysitter in her house but she doesn't like to be home with her. She was over the whole Sunday because no one was home I was upset I hadn't been asked before. She comes over herself. When I tell her it's time to leave she ignores me. Part of the problem is also that my daughter loves when she comes over and can't fathom why I would want her to leave. She's 6.


Can you send your daughter and her over to their house with the babysitter?
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:39 pm
May it be a zchus for you. As long as your family and your sanity are ok I'd do my best to survive but honestly for me I despise having kids over and w a newborn?!I'd never be sane... U hav to know urself
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:40 pm
I took care of my daughter's friend in a similar situation a few years ago, She slept in my house, went to school and came home with dd. I had a baby too but much older than 5 weeks, more than six months. Here's the main difference: The child's parents spoke to me in advance, asked if I was okay with this. They were hoping it would be for a week or two and I said fine. Unfortunately the condition did not improve, but after two weeks the parents called to let me know that a relative would be picking up their daughter. I was a little sad to see my guest go and felt terrible for the family, but I have to say I was relieved to get back to a normal routine at my house. It's the open ended visits and uncertainty of your situation that bother me. Try to see if you can speak to one of the parents or maybe a relative to get their to help in arranging that you host the little girl at times when they need help and when you feel you can handle it.
This must be very hard for you OP. You're collecting a lot of zchus here, but at this point where you feel it's too much for you I hope you can find a way out.
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justmarried:)




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 5:42 pm
When she comes by say it's not a good time right now and send her home. You can tell her she has to call before she comes and you will let her know if know works. I would limit it to whatever you can handle. Possibly once a week. Good luck
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 7:31 pm
amother wrote:
There's babysitter in her house but she doesn't like to be home with her. She was over the whole Sunday because no one was home I was upset I hadn't been asked before. She comes over herself. When I tell her it's time to leave she ignores me. Part of the problem is also that my daughter loves when she comes over and can't fathom why I would want her to leave. She's 6.


A big part of the problem is this child has boundary issues. With a five week old baby and you being at your wits end, you need structure.

If she doesn't leave when you tell her, then tell her she will not be welcome back tomorrow. If she still does not leave, make it two days. Tell her if she tells through the mail slot, she may not come in. If she does it again, then she can't come tomorrow. The same goes for the repeated phone calls.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 7:37 pm
Are you able to talk to the babysitter and establish set times when neighbor is allowed to come? Maybe the babysitter can assist in not allowing her to run out the house if the babysitter knows your limitations.

Also you can tell your daughter that you have x amount of hours a week a friend can come stay, other times she can go play there - is that possible?
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:02 pm
WhatFor wrote:
Are you able to talk to the babysitter and establish set times when neighbor is allowed to come? Maybe the babysitter can assist in not allowing her to run out the house if the babysitter knows your limitations.

Also you can tell your daughter that you have x amount of hours a week a friend can come stay, other times she can go play there - is that possible?


This is a great suggestion and maybe the babysitter can help the OP contact some other of the child's family members to clarify her situation.

I've kicked in for friends who were suffering from catastrophic illnesses or life events over the years. But those were all mutually agreed upon.

I feel truly sorry for this little girl. Her mother is ill and she has a babysitter she doesn't like. The poor thing must be lonely, it sounds like the babysitter doesn't care if you have her charge and she get paid. A sad situation all around.


Last edited by MagentaYenta on Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:02 pm
I know it's tough, but I would urge you to push yourself. Try and reframe it in your mind as another daughter, or try and picture if (chas vshalom) the situation were reversed. How would you like the community to reach out to your daughter? This kid is clearly having a terrible, scary time at home. She's 6, a baby really.

(I write this as a parent of a child with a life threatening condition. I know how much it has meant to my other kids (and me) when people have reached out and gone above and beyond)
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:09 pm
amother wrote:
I know it's tough, but I would urge you to push yourself. Try and reframe it in your mind as another daughter, or try and picture if (chas vshalom) the situation were reversed. How would you like the community to reach out to your daughter? This kid is clearly having a terrible, scary time at home. She's 6, a baby really.

(I write this as a parent of a child with a life threatening condition. I know how much it has meant to my other kids (and me) when people have reached out and gone above and beyond)


I agree with this. This child is going through hell. Where is the compassion? (Not directed at the op as she is clearly compassionate, just torn)

It would never in my life occur to me, to send a child who's mother is sick home.

I guess that's just the way I was raised. I had a classmate that practically lived in my house for two years because her grandmother was very sick and her parents were out of the house all night and day. Both her and her sister came for supper every night and slept over a few nights a week and many shabbosim. And this was just for a sick grandmother.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:16 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
I agree with this. This child is going through hell. Where is the compassion? (Not directed at the op as she is clearly compassionate, just torn)

It would never in my life occur to me, to send a child who's mother is sick home.

I guess that's just the way I was raised. I had a classmate that practically lived in my house for two years because her grandmother was very sick and her parents were out of the house all night and day. Both her and her sister came for supper every night and slept over a few nights a week and many shabbosim. And this was just for a sick grandmother.


I just want to add. I have been a giver and now a taker. My bracha to the op is that she always gets to be the giver. Believe me, it is the much better place to be.
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