How do you not hate your child? Please help.

amother

Lilac

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:05 pm

I am not looking for any advice about parenting or behavior techniques. I just want support.

I have a son age 6 who is extremely difficult. I am a single mom who is busy with work, several kids, and little support. I am stressed to my max.

I spend Friday getting ready for Shabbat and then a few minutes before, my son will pull off the tablecloth with everything on it (challah, plates, everything) pour juice on floor purposely, dump all toys cleaned up out, etc.

I am NOT looking for behavior suggestions as I've tried everything or practical suggestions like locking my fridge.

I am looking for support for the days when you work so hard to do everything and your child ruins your day over and over again in a million different ways purposely.
Days when you are so fed up and frustrated that your child crazy and not normal.

How can you not take out your resentment on your child. I'll be sitting on the floor crying and he'll say sorry but 2 minutes later will do something terrible again.

It's a constant mess of poured water, pans or bags of food or toys. It's constant hurting of siblings in serious ways (not just pushing or hitting). It's everything. All. The. Time.

How do you deal?? How can you love a child who makes your life hell??

imasinger

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:19 pm

How challenging!

Allow yourself to cry. To scream (in private).

To get help. For times you know are problematic, another pair of hands, whether chesed or hired or family. Ongoingly, therapy that works. Have you tried ABA?

Work on yourself. Remember, it's the action you hate, not the child.

I highly recommend The Nurtured Heart Approach. It nurtures your own heart as well as your child's.

amother

Crimson

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:35 pm

my son has always been like that. He is already 11. We also tried EVERYTHING.

The only thing that works SOMETIMES is that recently I gave him a great privilege that he wanted very badly. I warn him that he will loose that privilege the next day if he doesn't stop. Half the time it works. The rest of the time he is simply too impulsive to be bothered to think of the consequences. These kids deserve real punishments but it seems that punishing only makes the situation worse with them. Instead there are reward/privileges that get taken away. (sometimes I try to let him earn them back)

He is rather charming to outsiders so I make sure to tell him when someone complimented him.

What I find works the best but is sooo draining on me (after a long day and dealing with everyone else..) is spending time with him alone. I don't even want to since he is so unpleasant for the most part, but it does work wonders. I'll tell him that I want to play a game with him or take him out of school for 2 hrs for a treat and he acts so much better for a (very) short while.

Good luck and hugs to you. I am going through this too.

amother

Taupe

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:39 pm

Hi there op. Can't say I'm in exactly the same position as you re - hate, but a couple of years ago I had a brief insight that really helped me with this sort of thing and I thank you for reminding me of it.

Same story of working hard to do something (in my case Pesach clean) and it being wrecked by a little kid. I was all frustrated, just like you, then I suddenly realized, and reframed like this:

Schar is for EFFORT, not results. So if I have to clean the same area 3 times, or reset the table 26 times (exaggeration alert) or whatever, then I have put in A LOT MORE Effort to do one small thing. So I get a lot more reward for this one small thing. IOW for this one Pesach I can get a lot more schar than if kid was NOT undoing everything I did.

But it goes further than that. I had already often said to myself Hashem rewards for effort (not results, that are in His hands anyway). But I guess that until that point I didn't fully understand what it meant. And I was so grateful for the renewed understanding.

Now remember - I said BRIEF insight. Most of the time I think like you are right now- arrgh this is sooo frustrating, WHY does he have to do this???????

Also- kid is a little older now, it does get better!

Last edited by amother on Sun, Sep 17 2017, 4:54 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Orange

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 12:46 am

People will judge me for this, OP, but it's okay to hate your kid sometimes. A difficult child like that is so hard to love.

I had a son like that and I dreaded coming home every day from work because I knew that by the end of the evening I'd be drained and crying. I never showed anything but patience and love, but in my heart I absolutely hated him back then.

If this was a husband or a parent, we would be allowed to hate them, but because they are our children we somehow aren't allowed to admit it.

Those who do not get it- you've never had a child like this and I also didn't get it until I did.

BTW, it does get better. My son is 16 now and we go out for lunch and ice cream and he's a pleasant and friendly person. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, take care of yourself, cut yourself some slack, you need to maintain your sanity in whatever way works.

amother

Jade

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 1:32 am

understand him
he doesn't want to be like that at all
and it bothers him more then you
pity him

and get him or maybe even better - you help to deal with it

an adhd coach for you might be very helpful in advising you how to deal with him so you get less resentful and not more (as you get more resentful it will only make his behavior worse)

LisaS

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 3:27 am

The hard times are just plain hard. But make sure that during the good and happy moments you are spending plenty of time kissing, laughing, listening, and loving. These positive feelings even if brief will slowly carry over to the hard times.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 3:59 pm

Hugs. Go to therapy for yourself, it can really help. You are really coping with a very difficult situation and a psychologist can really help you manage your feelings.

Also, keep a notebook of positive things about your child. There are 2 models:
- At the end of every day, write down 3 things (or even just one if you think 3 is too many) that you like about your child. This will help remind you about the good things. They can be personality traits in general not specific to that day, or actions he did which were good.
- Keep a weekly notebook, where every time he does something good or you have a good thought about his behavior/personality/middos, write in the notebook. Review the whole week's worth every shabbos.
These help for 2 reasons - the first is that they remind you of his good traits, because it is so easy to get lost in the bad traits/behavior since they sometimes outweigh the good in intensity. Secondly, once you know that you are doing this, you will subconsciously start looking for the good in order to mkae sure you have something to write down, and you will begin to notice more good in him or that he does, rather than keeping track of the bad things only. Try it, I think it could really help.

You can only change yourself, and changing the way you think about your son, even just for a few minutes here and there will make it easier for you to feel better about him in general.

amother

Linen

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 4:24 pm

Lower your expectations of yourself and your home, and don't feel guilty for any compromises you have to make. For years and years, while thinking of the stories my teachers told me of being ready for the Shabbos Queen with my challos on the table, I set the Shabbos table literally one minute before we made kiddush. I stopped expecting ds to see a table and not un-set it, unless he was sitting to eat. And I put all bottles, etc on the other side from him so if he yanked the tablecloth, it was ok. (All plastic everything.)

Your house will be messy. Accepting this allows you to choose your battles. I kept extra large towels in the kitchen to clean up the full bottle spills. Basically, while working to stop things from happening, I expected that they would. And I considered it an extraordinary gift if it didn't.

Google and read Holland Schmolland. The original "Holland/Italy" passage is meant to inspire moms of kids who aren't what we expected. But it's Holland Schmolland that makes me feel understood and less alone. And to laugh, because often that's the key.