Doesn't want to go to shul

amother

Red

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 8:37 pm

DD more often than not, gives us a hard time about going to shul. I make her go anyway. But is that wrong? Am I just teaching her to dread shul?

Mainly she just doesn't want to get up in the morning. She would sleep until noon if I let her. She is 13. Other times it's she doesn't have a single thing to wear (when in actuality she does, she is just being overly picky). At shul, I insist she do some davening. her peers, of which, there may be 5-6, only one other girl actually davens. The rest just sit around and talk, sometimes play with the younger kids. She doesn't really have a choice in peers. That is literally all we have.

So, what is the best approach? I feel that if I let her stay home, my younger kids will also want to stay home. But my morning would be so much more blissful.

I think it is important to go to shul, myself. Although I don't get there on time, I always go. I don't have little ones in diapers anymore so there is no reason for me not to go...unless I have a child who is sick, or I'm sick myself.

amother

Brunette

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 9:02 pm

Do you live someplace where girls go to shul on Friday nights? The davening is shorter and has more singing, and of course she can sleep in on shabbos morning, which her teenage body probably craves.

tichellady

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 9:41 pm

Is there programming for the kids at shul? It sounds like they need to have something for the girls since they are not davening. I don't see why she needs to get up to go talk with friends at shul if she doesn't want to.

amother

Turquoise

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:10 pm

Don't force her. I was forced as a kid/teenager. Went dutifully every shabbos and yom tov, followed along the whole davening inside, said every word, and as soon as I graduated and moved out, never stepped foot in shul again aside from RH and YK, until today (15 years later).

ValleyMom

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:18 pm

Do NOT force her. Raising teenagers can be challenging. Do not LOOK for arguments.
Going to shul is not mandatory.
I have a 21 year old that ONLY goes to shul on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur- and only for several hours. I am grateful she gets dressed and comes and has a positive attitude.

She has her own relationship with Hashem.

And thanks to me working on my "control" issues my daughter and I have a much better relationship

Iymnok

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 10:57 pm

Do you go? How early?
If you are makpid on girls davening in time, look up sof zman tefilla and make sure she says shema and shmona esrei by then. That means stand up with a skirt thrown over her pj's and crocs on. Then go back to sleep.
Forcing her to daven will only backfire.
She has absolutely NO chiyuv to go to Shul.

amother

Hotpink

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 11:05 pm

My mother forced me to daven (at home, not in shul). It had an undesirable effect on me. I doubt Hakodosh Baruch Hu wants parents to force their kids to daven.
Naturally, I didn't force my dd to daven. Funny how she has developed a natural desire to daven.
I learned that Rachmana leeba ba'ah- Hakodosh Baruch Hu wants the person's heart. Whether we engage in formal tfillah or not, our hearts are certainly turned toward HaShem. That is, if the parents stay out of the way. Forcing kids to daven - iduno. I have yet to meet one person who says that being coerced to wake up and go to shul and daven at 13 was helpful at all.

amother

Black

Sat, Sep 16 2017, 11:16 pm

My sibblings and I were forced to go to shul every shabbos starting at a young age to give my mom a break. This caused us to have a wonderful relationship with our grandmother who davened with us. It also gave me a negative outlook on davening. I failed tefilah ever year in greade school.

I resented having to spend yom Kippur night and day (until havdala) in shul with a bag of nosh. I remember the first yom Kippur I was married, I was so excited not to have to sit in shul for 10 hours.

My dd has gone with friends to their shul for the last few years for Rosh Hashanah and yom Kippur. I would never force her to go.

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 12:11 am

amother wrote:

No. My parents were not religious.

btw, this is not unusual. Baalei Teshuva often exepct much more of their kids frum-wise than is typical.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 1:32 am

amother wrote:

btw, this is not unusual. Baalei Teshuva often exepct much more of their kids frum-wise than is typical.

And sadly, many of them end up pushing one or more of their children otd as a result. OP, please please please don't be one of those bt parents. I've seen this in my family and in at least 2 others. Especially so if your husband isn't ffb to balance things out.

Jewishmom8

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 1:43 am

Do Not force her to go to shul. It will backfire.
The main thing that you should give over is that you think she is amazing girl and you trust her to make the right choices on her own.
you just be the best role model, and give her great chinuch at school.
the rest is up to her.

Iymnok

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 1:50 am

Regarding my comment above, you can only tell her to daven if you daven. If your children see it as a value in your house, it will more likely continue.
If a personal connection to Hashem is forced, if is not a relationship.

ttbtbm

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 4:04 am

If davening is hard for her give her an out to do something that is als considered good. If she has younger siblings ask her if she's prefer them watch them o you can daven. Or perhaps a neighbor needs a hand with her kids. That way your daughter doesn't dread rosh hashana and Yom Kippur davening but still feels good about the day and herself.
She may not want the do that either. She may just want to sleep the day away. But if you are a positive role model for her in a non pressuring way (and daven for her 😉) Eventually she will mature and come to appreciate these special days on her own.

amother

Gold

Sun, Sep 17 2017, 4:27 am

My mother made me go. I hated it. She also forced me to daven and I would bluff saying I did. When raising my own I never hav struggles over spiritual issues. I show them the positiv and theyl make their own choices. Ur daughter only sees struggle and annoyance NOT the beauty...she's young let her find her own.path be a good role model. I should add my mom is a very easygoing type. She just was trying to do what seemed right. As an aside my dh great guy etc if a shul doesnt hav right ambiance he davens at home. If the girls in ur shul arent davening what is the pt? I never heard girls are obligated