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-> The Imamother Writing Club
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amother
Mint
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 Sun, Sep 24 2017, 11:54 am
I write music and lyrics in my spare time.
This song is based on a miscarriage I had fairly recently. I would like you constructive criticism please!
Silence.
Where is the staccato
Where is the pulsing flash of light
The sign of this new life
Silence.
Staring at the stillness
Distracted from the sight of death
by the stupid song in my head
CHORUS:
And I still can't wipe the picture from my mind,
we're sitting at home and at the table there's an empty chair
She should have been there
How's it fair?
It keeps making me cry,
this picture in my mind
it's a sign
It keeps making me cry,
this picture in my mind
it's a sign
It's over, it's over.
He said it's sad but not the end of the world -
Huh
I saw the screen
I knew the truth
It hit so hard
Brought me to my knees
I saw the proof
I couldn't breathe
It stopped my heart
I wished I could unsee
'Cos I knew, it is over.
Silence.
Where is the excitement
Where is the talk of happy plans
Forget them if we can
Silence.
We were so happy
All of these memories laugh at me
I wonder, was it he or she?
CHORUS
BRIDGE
All of that pain, those months
so raw, what was it for?
I'm told that I carried a soul so pure
But I wanted more
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amother
Orange
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Sun, Sep 24 2017, 11:58 am
I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.
What you wrote is beautiful and from the heart. The bits that jarred for me were the "huh", and the line "was it he or she?"
Given that you referred to "she" earlier, how about "WAS it she - or he?"
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Boca00
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Sun, Sep 24 2017, 1:17 pm
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Powerful and beautifully written. I am so sorry for your pain.
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amother
Burgundy
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Sun, Sep 24 2017, 1:19 pm
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made me tear up. I am sorry for your loss.
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amother
Mint
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 7:55 am
| amother wrote: | I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.
What you wrote is beautiful and from the heart. The bits that jarred for me were the "huh", and the line "was it he or she?"
Given that you referred to "she" earlier, how about "WAS it she - or he?" |
Thank you.
The 'huh' is sarcastic, meant to express my incredulity at his words.
I refer to 'she' in the chorus, but when I sing the chorus the next time I sing it 'he' cos I didn't know the gender.
Is that better?
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amother
Mint
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 7:56 am
Thank you all for your kind words.
If anyone else has a critique I would be very glad to hear it.
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amother
Orange
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 3:41 pm
| amother wrote: | Thank you.
The 'huh' is sarcastic, meant to express my incredulity at his words.
I refer to 'she' in the chorus, but when I sing the chorus the next time I sing it 'he' cos I didn't know the gender.
Is that better? |
Re "huh" - in that case, how about"HUH?!?" (comes across as more incredulous that way...)
Re gender - if you do sing "he" in the next chorus, then your original works for me 
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 6:04 pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Your words touched me. The only critique I have is to change " by the stupid song" to " by this painful song"
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happyone
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 6:20 pm
Sorry for your loss.
You have a gift that you can express yourself in this way.
While a loss can never be replaced, may hashem fill your void with a healthy pregnancy and child soon.
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Water Stones
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 8:23 pm
Wow I love it because it touch my heart even I never experienced that.
I think a lot of people would appreciate that song! You're gifted in putting your feeling to a song!
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InnerMe
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Mon, Sep 25 2017, 10:41 pm
Wow OP! your song is so beautiful and touching.. your song captures the emotional pain so beautifully.
I'd love to hear it.
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| Related Topics |
Replies |
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Name of this song?
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5 |
Wed, Apr 03 2024, 11:44 pm  |
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Help identify this song please
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1 |
Sun, Mar 31 2024, 1:40 pm |
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Which song is this
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7 |
Sun, Mar 31 2024, 9:53 am |
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What's this song?
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7 |
Fri, Mar 15 2024, 11:25 am |
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A song for my daughter getting married
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8 |
Thu, Feb 29 2024, 7:54 pm |
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