Guests keep criticizing me

amother

Plum

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 7:50 pm

My dh wants to invite his best friend for meals on Yomim Tovim. I wouldn't mind, except that even with cleaning help my home is full of clutter. I have a hard time throwing things out. This is just who I am.

We invited my dh's best friend a few years ago, and his wife never stopped criticizing me for months afterwards. I like the idea of Hachnosas Orchim but I just can't cope with the consequences. What should I do?

33055

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 7:59 pm

You have two problems here.

1 is your messy house.

Is your house so messy that you can't comfortably entertain? Clean up your house for DH and your kids.

2. Your guest spoke LH against you.

There is no way you should have her back. So needs that?

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 8:00 pm

I would tell my dh that the wife kept criticizing me. Is he aware? You don't have to subject yourself to being criticized for months afterwards. I would think that your dh would understand and figure some other way to hang out with his friend.

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 8:01 pm

Will you have a sukkah? Look at the extended forecast and invite them for a meal on Sukkot if it is not supposed to rain. They won't need to go inside the house at all, unless they need the bathroom. And many homes are less tidy than usual on Sukkot, with all the things being carried around and people going in and out frequently.

I don't know what to say about the wife, though. Did she actually say something offensive to you?

SixOfWands

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 8:09 pm

amother wrote:

Just say no. If she finds your home so offensive that she couldn't stop criticizing it for months, she shouldn't come.

If it means that much to your DH, let him declutter. And unless you're the next subject for one of those shows on hoarders, don't worry too much.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 8:16 pm

Can you give an example exactly what she says? I have a feeling she would probably say she isn't criticizing you at all. Is she calling you up months later saying, I really don't understand how you can live in a human garbage can. You disgust me. Is this what she's saying?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 9:07 pm

OP-- I am a clutter-bug, too! I prefer this term to "hoarder" Wink

I also worry about having guests, because I know most people would be horrified by So Many Things. I just had a bunch of people at my house a few weeks ago, and even though no one said anything really bad, there were still shocked looks and a few comments. It's hard. I try not to let it bother me. But the truth is that it bothers me because I am not happy with the way I live.

I am working on this issue -- and I suggest you read "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up," which is really helping me to re-frame the way I handle my possessions.

I suggest that you discuss it with your husband, and see what he says. But ultimately, it's your choice. I'm sorry you have to sturggle with this Hug

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Sep 24 2017, 10:30 pm

Op I dont think you should invite them because why should you invite someone who puts u down?

You work hard to take care of all the cooking kids and your spouse, you dont deserve this treatment from anyone. While im sure that this wife would probably think shes "helping you" by saying her comment to you, you are still feeling "down" about it. This wife probably doesnt know how to be sensitive to others feelings, so why invite someone like that?

Yes, I understand it is your dhs best friend but hell have to hang out with him outside your house without you there. I have had this problem with my sil who put me down with her comments. I cut them off because I need to be around people who respect me and make me feel good/bring me up. You do too which is why you are conflicted here.

Succos especially it says "ach sameach" to be happy. Yes, it is important to compromise with your spouse but this is not that time because this is about your emotional health. It is not emotionally healthy to be around people who make you feel bad about yourself.
I hope your dh can understand but many men cant understand and sometimes say "dont be so sensitive".

zaq

Mon, Sep 25 2017, 12:53 pm

I wouldn't invite anyone who insults me or any member of my family. Your dh and his pal can find other ways to socialize. But do explain to dh just how offensive his friend's wife behaved.

FTR what do you mean by saying the wife criticized you for months afterwards? Called you up and gave you mussar? Gossiped about you? How do you know? Was the clutter the only thing she criticized? Aside from that, was she cordial, or did you already dislike each other for other reasons?

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 25 2017, 12:58 pm

Are you a clutterer (I know that's not a real word) or a hoarder? There's a difference. The former is your own personal style and business....the latter is a mental health concern.

A relative of mine told me that she cannot visit her SIL's home, as her SIL is a hoarder. There is no available surface on which to sit - all chairs, table, etc...are covered in clutter, to the extent that you have to clear a path for yourself if you need to use the bathroom.

This person should get professional help. It's not "that's the way I am" but actually, it's not a healthy way to live.

If you just like your stuff and have clutter, then don't invite guests who can't respect that.

amother

Purple

Mon, Sep 25 2017, 5:20 pm

I am also a messy person. Most people don't mind the mess, or if they do can keep their mouths shut. If someone made you feel bad about it, don't have them over. But don't let it make you afraid to have guests in general, most people don't care or at least know not to comment and can have a lovely time with you.

zaq

Mon, Sep 25 2017, 6:47 pm

Ok, so as I understand it from your original post, you ONCE had A guest who criticized your housekeeping for a period of time. Who are all these "guests"--plural--who "keep" criticizing you? Your title should reflect reality. Truth in advertising is a good thing. You annoy fewer people that way.

zaq

Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:45 pm

amother wrote:

zaq- I think the op has only posted the original post and hasn't come back yet...

So it seems. Mistameh she was only venting, in which case she should have said so. I resent expending time and mental energy on someone who just wanted to drop her load and go on her merry way. I'd rather talk to soneone who really wants to listen and I'm betting I'm not alone in this.

imasoftov

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 8:18 am

zaq wrote:

Yep. There should be a "this is a vent" button which adds a "this is a vent, no replies wanted" message and disables replies. And starting a "to the amother who vented about ..." thread will get the thread deleted (not closed)