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I think I am abusing my child
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:10 pm
She is 6 year old.
Usually everything is good and dandy but every now and then...and lately daily...I explode at her. She does something wrong but perfectly normal for a kid her age and I go into a rage almost. I am either extremely verbally abusive to her , or today...was the worst...I threw something on the floor.
Yes some of you will go ahead and cry in righteous indignation...go ahead. The fact is I need help and I don't know where to start.
I ve been to therapy for years and trust me... without therapy I would probably have been physically abusive on top of being verbally abusive.
I was raised in a very messed up situation- but this isn't my excuse I m old enough to know I need to stop this or I am going to further destroy this kid.
My husband is emotionally close and very loving and an amazing dad. I am the messed up one.
I have no insurance and no way to pay for therapy right now... Besides therapy how else can I stop this? I want to be a good loving mom and right now I am an unpredictable unreliable parent who gives love but turns into terror on a whim.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:14 pm
This is what I do,
(I'm in a similar situation)
Whenever you feel you need to yell or whatever just leave the room for at least 5 min.
And just use that time to think I usually have to repeat to myself..do NOT DO something that u will regret later on
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OutATowner




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:14 pm
Kol hakavod for being aware.
Do not expect to change over night. Set one goal at a time. A good start is: breathe deeply 4 times before responding. Inhale, exhale, repeat. Remind yourself of this when you are not angry. After breathing for 10 seconds your response will be different without thinking about it.
I suggest this since it sounds like you know what to do, it's just a matter of impulse control. Breathe before you speak. Let that be yoir mantra.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:21 pm
I have a little girl that age, so your post makes me cry. I can't imagine her being verbally abused.
By therapy, you mean like anger management or parenting?
While you're figuring this out, can you let your husband parent her as much as possible?
And I would also suggest you designate a room, like a bathroom where you can lock yourself in. And when you feel like screaming, RUN and lock yourself into that bathroom. Can you handle keeping yourself back from screaming for four seconds while you walk away from the situation?
We must think of a solution. You only get one chance to give your child a healthy and happy lifestyle. ONE CHANCE.
Hugs to you and your daughter, I hope you figure this out tonight. I'm sure you'll get more helpful responses, from other posters.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:27 pm
amother wrote:
I have a little girl that age, so your post makes me cry. I can't imagine her being verbally abused.
By therapy, you mean like anger management or parenting?
While you're figuring this out, can you let your husband parent her as much as possible?
And I would also suggest you designate a room, like a bathroom where you can lock yourself in. And when you feel like screaming, RUN and lock yourself into that bathroom. Can you handle keeping yourself back from screaming for four seconds while you walk away from the situation?
We must think of a solution. You only get one chance to give your child a healthy and happy lifestyle. ONE CHANCE.
Hugs to you and your daughter, I hope you figure this out tonight. I'm sure you'll get more helpful responses, from other posters.

Trust me , when I think about it I cry too...I know it's crazy..I m the perpetrator and yet my heart breaks for her as well...
All these suggestions are helpful however...I feel the frustration building up way before I scream or I start talking to her in an abusive way... How do I cool myself down before even getting to the point of telling or engaging badly?
Also PS yes I let my husband parent her as much as possible given the circumstances.
Thank you all for understanding
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:30 pm
In the last few weeks I've found myself yelling at my kids more than usual. What I've taken on to try and stop that, is that I decided that each day, there will be one time that I stop myself from yelling. Just one time (have to start slow Smile what I've found in the few days since taking this on, is that because this commitment is in the forefront of my mind, I've been overal yelling much much less. I've also been waking up around 45 minutes earlier then usual (not planned, just been happening) and have found that having a smoother start to the day (no screaming at them to get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast and run to bus faster) causes the whole day to have a calmer feel. This has really all been happening since RH, so I honestly don't know how effective all this will be long term, but I think the very first step is acknowledging the problem and setting a small, manageable goal. You sound like a dedicated mom who wants to improve. That is the first step to change. Hatzlacha.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 6:34 pm
Good for you for noticing when the frustration starts building!

B"H my outbursts aren't quite abusive, but I do definitely lose control. I think what needs to happen is that I need to leave the room right away when the frustration starts to build.

How to calm down there? I don't know, but at least the frustration won't get worse... (except that my kids follow me there so I can't calm down). I'm going to have to lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the fan, or maybe even go take a shower and think about something peaceful.

Just breaking the pattern of frustration > anger > scream is already a tremendous accomplishment.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 7:06 pm
amother wrote:
Trust me , when I think about it I cry too...I know it's crazy..I m the perpetrator and yet my heart breaks for her as well...
All these suggestions are helpful however...I feel the frustration building up way before I scream or I start talking to her in an abusive way... How do I cool myself down before even getting to the point of telling or engaging badly?
Also PS yes I let my husband parent her as much as possible given the circumstances.
Thank you all for understanding



I have a 4yo and a 2yo.
One kid is sensory seaking. The other is just a stinker and loves instigating....
They are not the most well behaved kids on the block.....

I can handle almost anything. But when my kids hurt each other. Or when they hurt me. It's just so hard.
I do yell. Unfortunately more often than I would like.
My rule is I yell about the situation.
"Who spilled this water?!?! This is dangerous! Wipe it up!"
"Stop this right now!"
"If you hurt your sister we are not going on that walk we had planned!"

Another thing that might work, sit down and think what it is your goal in raising your kids. My most important ones are, in that order, 1)they should grow into emotionally healthy and responsible members of the human community.
2) They should have a love of yiddishkeit.
(You chose yours)
Write it on a pc of paper. "I want my kids to grow up........ WILL MY ACTION BRING US CLOSER TO THAT GOAL??" hang it up in the places you loose your cool the most (for me its in the kitchen mostly)

Whenever you lose your cool. Breath. Read it. Breath. Respond.

"Will your action bring you closer to that goal? If not, is action necessary at all? And is there a better way to do it?"

Good luck!

Also, Extra hugs and cuddles at bedtime and most importantly, I find, when they wake up. It gives YOU, the mother a softer start to the day in dealing with your child. (Especially if your child is sensory seaking, like mine)
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 8:34 pm
You're being triggered. Things they do make you feel out of control like you felt as a child. Parenting and anger management classes are all very nice but won't help if you can't get go the root of the issue and heal your wounded self. Do everything you can to obtain therapy for yourself and do inner child work. Find a clinic near you.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 9:09 pm
amother wrote:
You're being triggered. Things they do make you feel out of control like you felt as a child. Parenting and anger management classes are all very nice but won't help if you can't get go the root of the issue and heal your wounded self. Do everything you can to obtain therapy for yourself and do inner child work. Find a clinic near you.

Done a lot of that already...like I mentioned above yes lots of inner child issue due to childhood issues...peeled many layers already throughout the years. Got to the root and back..and I am willing to go to therapy to chew over more but it's pointless ...I forgave the people who abused me I forgave my parents I know my triggers it doesn't just disappear poof just because u know the reason u know?
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 9:12 pm
amother wrote:
Done a lot of that already...like I mentioned above yes lots of inner child issue due to childhood issues...peeled many layers already throughout the years. Got to the root and back..and I am willing to go to therapy to chew over more but it's pointless ...I forgave the people who abused me I forgave my parents I know my triggers it doesn't just disappear poof just because u know the reason u know?

You need support and guidance. Tools and techniques with hand holding and understanding. It can be done.
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wife2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 10:07 pm
Do you have other stress in your life? Are you calm and organized in other household things? Is your home functional in regard to cleaning, cooking, regular schedule for kids mealtime and bedtime?

If you are struggling with other things in your home or work life, this will make being patient more difficult.

If you have no money for help, try to find ways she can entertain herself. Don't push yourself too hard to spend so much time with her if it's too overwhelming to deal with her all the time. Quality is more important that quantity. If you can play outside or inside with her for some time every day, focus on that.

In regard to her not listening or behavior, do you have a discipline system or expectations?

If you grew up with abuse, a lot of these norms you've never seen.

I have a lot more to offer so if you're interested, pm me.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 11:04 pm
DBT can be very helpful. If the cost of therapy is an issue start off with Marsha Linehan's workbook.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 11:22 pm
amother wrote:
She is 6 year old.
Usually everything is good and dandy but every now and then...and lately daily...I explode at her. She does something wrong but perfectly normal for a kid her age and I go into a rage almost. I am either extremely verbally abusive to her , or today...was the worst...I threw something on the floor.
Yes some of you will go ahead and cry in righteous indignation...go ahead. The fact is I need help and I don't know where to start.
I ve been to therapy for years and trust me... without therapy I would probably have been physically abusive on top of being verbally abusive.
I was raised in a very messed up situation- but this isn't my excuse I m old enough to know I need to stop this or I am going to further destroy this kid.
My husband is emotionally close and very loving and an amazing dad. I am the messed up one.
I have no insurance and no way to pay for therapy right now... Besides therapy how else can I stop this? I want to be a good loving mom and right now I am an unpredictable unreliable parent who gives love but turns into terror on a whim.


Dear OP, while I can't offer help, I can just say one thing. While people always promote calm and put down a parent that yells, I grew up with no yelling at all. My mother never yelled at me when I was growing up. IMHO, that is also an extreme that we should not be aiming for. I always grew up feeling that she didn't care when I saw my friends being told off by their mothers. Just a different perspective. My point being that while it isn't great to yell, don't necessarily think it is the worst thing in the world...
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life is fun




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 11:23 pm
Would it help if you keep talking/reminding yourself with the word "positive " . Saying it 3 times over every so often to remind yourself to say something positive to her. To think and look for positive things. Just being aware of focusing on the positive might help.

Hatslocho
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 26 2017, 11:39 pm
I find that anxiety and anger are very entertwined emotions.

DD has severe anxiety, so I went to a parenting class while she was in her therapy group. We learned how we were triggering, enabling, and otherwise helping create anxiety in our kids. We learned what coping skills we needed to help our kids get through their anxiety.

Well, I have anxiety too, and it made me snap a lot. I started using the techniques on myself, and it helped a lot. If you're in the kitchen or bathroom, splash cold water on your face, or use a cold washcloth across your eyes. Somehow the feeling of cold on your eyeballs short circuits the anxiety and anger.

Another trick is to stop and look at your child as if you're seeing them for the first time. Who's child is this? What is their story? Aren't they cute? They seem upset, how can I comfort them? Remove your emotions from the tantrum, and the dynamics will change very quickly.

Be aware that as you're going through therapy, long suppressed feelings will come up to the surface, and can make you more emotional than the situation calls for. Ask your therapist for ways to process these feelings when they surface.

Contact your local Children's Hospital. They often have free or low cost classes for parenting kids who have high intensity, anxiety, high maintenance, etc. Sitting in a room with other parents who are in the same situation can be extremely healing for you. You are all just ordinary people, trying to do the best you can. You are not monsters!

You are a good mama. I know this, because otherwise you wouldn't be concerned about your situation. Hug
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2017, 7:55 am
OP, and others who spoke about their own experiences, you are so brave for expressing what is going on. I can see how much pain you are in, how much you want to be a good mother.

Regarding therapy, I agree with a previous poster that it is almost mandatory for you to go. There are several places where you can get affordable therapy with really great clinicians.

One such place is PPSC, a wonderful institute right off many of the local trains in Manhattan, with a variety of therapists who understand the issues of different communities. They have Jewish therapists as well.

Their phone number is 212-560-2208.

If you are in a different location, not NY, please do find a clinic near you. You will thank yourself... and your child will get the wonderful mother that you can be.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2017, 8:12 am
I learned this in a workshop I took this summer
Things to do in the moment instead of yelling, punishing, hitting, etc.: IMPROVE the moment - DBT skills for distress tolerance.

Imagery - create a temporary alternate reality for yourself through visualizations. Close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and let your imagination flood your brain with pleasant emotions and sensations. For example: at the beach, at the kosel, picturing your child in a good moment when happy, relaxed, imagine everything going well, imagine a secret room within yourself and lock the door against hurtful things, imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe

Meaning - Try to find meaning in the challenge. Ask yourself if there's a way to make something good out of a difficult situation. For example, focus on the positive of a painful situation, remember your spiritual values.

Prayer - Talking to Gd, opening yourself up to His will and accepting the situation as is. Praying for guidance in times of distress may help you tolerate it more effectively and may help you feel less helpless and less alone. For example, ask for strength to bear the pain, turn things over to Him.

Relaxation - Taking time out of a stressful situation to relax. For example, yoga, hot bath, drink hot milk, massage your neck, deep breathing, relax your facial muscles

One thing in the moment - When overwhelmed with stressors, thoughts, emotions, STOP! and intentionally focus on one single thing for a set period of time. This can help calm the storm. For example, focus on your dishes washing: the sound of the water, the smell of the soap, the feeling on your hands.
Another aspect of this skill is our tendency to bring up past issues or possible future outcomes. This makes things worse for yourself. STOP! Focus on this issue in this moment. Keep yourself in the present.

Vacation - Take a temporary break from reality until you are calm enough to take care of the situation effectively. There's no point in dealing with a problem when your emotional arousal is too high to be able to think straight. For example: get into bed and pull up the covers over your head, get a magazine and read it with chocolates, turn off your phone, take a blanket to the park and sit on it for a whole afternoon, take a brief vacation from responsibility

Encouragement - Be your own cheerleader. Tell yourself you can do this. Think of examples when you've acted effectively in the face of a difficult situation. Validate yourself. Positive self-talk. For example, "I got this." "You go, girl!" "I'm doing the best I can." "This too shall pass." "I will be ok."

Hope this helps.
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lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2017, 3:16 pm
You have recieved a lot of good advice! I will just add:

Don't distance yourself too much -- she is likely to feel like she is being punished. She is undoubtedly already sensitive to your moods; be sure to think about how she will interpret your actions.

I had a mother like you. She had a bad temper, and it was often unpredictable. But she loved me with all her heart, and she never stopped proving it. She began therapy when I was about four -- when she realized that there was a serious problem with the way she reacted to me. She learned a lot, and it did get better, but very, very slowly.
That is because she really couldn't control it -- and she still can't. But she has improved immensely since I was four.

As an adult, I see that she really did a great job, considering that her mother was so much more unstable; I hope that I will do even better with my children than my mother did with me. That is possibly the greatest thing that my mother taught me: never stop working to improve. Her example -- her ceaseless struggle to be better -- and her love has pulled me through every difficult patch in my life. It brought me to Torah. Teach your daughter to do better, apologize when you need to, and love her with all your heart. You'll both be okay.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2017, 3:43 pm
I also had an awful upbringing, and made up my mind not to lash out at my kids, and it is insanely difficult.
You are awesome for recognizing that you need to improve. Wish my mother had done that...

Some things that help me:
Take some quiet time, and very vividly imagine that all of your harsh words, criticism, yells are not just words-but actual physical painful things. I imagine them to look like rusty razor blades, red hot iron, huge thorns, knives, etc. Now play a scene in your head of you or anyone else using these harsh words on your daughter, and as they are spoken you actually see that rusty knife sawing into your precious bubbala, making her bleed, making her sob in pain...I know this may sound crazy but it's not, because this is actually what harsh yelling does to your sweetheart. It causes actual pain inside her. Having these vivid intense scenes in my head helps stop me in my tracks during the actual moment. I would never stab my daughter with a knife. Never.

It also helps when I know I'm walking in to a high risk situation, to prep myself with what may happen, and how I will react in the event that it does. For example, I know I'm hungry and my daughter comes in from school hungry and tired and grumpy. I prep myself-if when she comes home she is chutzpadik and kicks her brother etc I will respond by sitting quietly with my arm around her even as she speaks rudely. Somehow having my responses prepped in my head in advance really helps.

I also love what frantic frummy said about viewing your child through the eyes of a stranger. So smart.

Good luck. Hatzlacha! You're awesome.
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