I think I am abusing my child

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 9:32 pm

amother wrote:

OP this post is an outrage. You have used therapy as an excuse and claimed not to at the same time.

You do not THINK you are abusing your child, you KNOW you are abusing your child.

You are doing this to her because you can get away with it. She has no one to defend her from you.

Or do you rage and throw things at everyone in your life?

You want advice, every time you think of tantruming and having a control trip at your 6 yr old, remember that she will do the same to her children and they theirs.

and then get over yourself.

Shame on you she is seeking help. She didn't pick to have a bad temper. And while your logic makes a lot of sense anger/ anxiety is an emotion and not a logic.
OP as someone w a temper I suggest PRAYER PRAYER PRAYER. try DBT go to library to read about it. Also practice deep breathing. One poster mentioned putting yourself in a time out. I use that when I feel like I will let my temper get the better of me. Also I start my morning with a heartfelt. Prayer to Hashem who is also the father to my kids. he knows my struggles best.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Sep 27 2017, 10:17 pm

amother wrote:

Therapy as an excuse and claimed not to...not sure I understand you here...
Honestly your response has many issues and I wish you good luck getting any point across with such an attitude...
I don't rage in public and yes I guess if I had a constant awareness that 1- I am always indeed the watchful eye of HaShem then yeah I ll grow white wings too I guess.. oh and by the way I did -in the past - rage at myself and at my husband...not pretty at all. And much worse than outbursts with my daughter.

JoyInTheMorning

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 7:55 am

I had parents who were both physically and verbally abusive. I realized even as a child that the physical abuse was wrong, but it took me a long time to realize how unfair and harmful the verbal abuse was. I saw my siblings repeat the patterns with their kids and I was determined to break the pattern.

That is easier said than done. I was helped by a great therapist (great for that purpose, not necessarily for everything). She used cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. The most useful technique was the one that little neshamalah alluded to in her post: imagining the situation, but with a different ending. You imagine a situation that makes you very angry. You don't even have to imagine a situation, you can just think about a situation that just happened, where you yelled at your daughter, but sometimes it's easier to think about one that is still imaginary. Then you try to think of a different way it could have happened. For example, your daughter leaves a leaking pen in the pocket of her skirt, and you wash it along with the rest of the family's laundry, and the ink runs over everything and now all your clothes are ruined. You just realized when you saw your DH and son come down with stained shirts, and now you realize that there's a blotch on your daughter's skirt. You scream like a maniac at her, because OMG, no one has anything to wear, and you are all running late, and how will your kids get to the school bus on time, and how will you and DH get to work on time, and you can't afford to replace the clothes, and how could she do something so stupid, etc., etc.

Now you imagine how it could have gone differently. There are really so many points! Everyone in the family can be tasked with checking all pockets before putting anything in the basket. Assuming that you do the laundry, you could check each item before putting it in the washing machine: a pain to do, but a big time and money saver in the long run. But assuming you didn't do that and just realized the mess, you could have done the following: told everyone to go upstairs and find something else to wear. Before your daughter goes upstairs, you calmly tell your daughter how disappointed you are with her. You explain that this has cost $200 in damaged clothes, and say you'll have to work out a plan to try to salvage the clothes with her help, and that she'll have to do a bunch of extra chores for the next while to help defray the bother and expense that this has caused.

You spend every day thinking about some situation that could get you mad, and you imagine how you could do it differently. You write out the script in your head. You practice the script over and over again. Eventually, there are patterns that emerge. When something happens in real life, you try to use some of these techniques. You keep working at it, every day.

Before I became a parent, I was most terrified that I would wind up hitting a child in anger because that was what I had seen growing up. I went through every situation I could think of that could cause me to lose it, and came up with a plan for each situation. I did not allow myself to become a parent before I had done those exercises. With Hashem's help, I have never hit a child. I am not perfect at the yelling, but I do a small fraction of what I grew up with.

You can break the pattern. You absolutely can.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:12 pm

You responses we so so helpful. As I read I cried sometimes especially the poster who is the child of a mother who was like me. Thank you for your wise advice and your support. I am reading and rereading...this is amazing.
I signed up for the Dina Friedman parenting course..this is not a cure it all of course but someone brought up that I am obviously lacking other general life skills. Which turns out to be true. I do run my house well and have gotten good fulfilling jobs in the past but lately I seem to be going slowly towards an empty life...I am picking myself up.. in the past couple of days since this post I be been asking myself " how do I take care of myself?" And the answer has been coming up " besides Haagen Dazs ? No clue.." I am putting one foot in front of the other ..and I continue reading and rereading. Thank you

My4Jewels

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:03 pm

amother wrote:

My gosh! How incredibly insensitive and horribely judgmental of you.

I hope one day you open up to someone in a vulnerable moment of honest reflection and have them say these same words back at you so you can know how your words feel. I cannot believe there is someone out there like you. Just wow.

OP I don't have advice really. But wanted you to know I commend you for being honest with yourself about your issues and seeking help. Many people don't even admit what their issues even are so the bad behavior just continues down the line. Good luck to you on this journey to self healing.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Oct 10 2017, 9:22 am

My4Jewels wrote:

I would add the NYU relaxation line. They have the 3 minute relaxation and I think 9 minute. You can chose. Anyone still has that phone number? Also try to call chazak line something there. Maybe the daily emuna chizuk thrre from Rabbi Ashear or more jokey from that awsome Lubavitche woman I forgot her name. Call random times. I think the 3 minute musoc relaxation from NYU to be great but I lost the #