Letting dc play with kids from broken homes

DrMom

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 2:53 am

Children of divorce may have issues to deal with, for sure, but I don't see how this is going to damage *your* child unless there is some very serious issue.

Is it so common in your circles for both parents to be home all the time that your child is likely to ask where the "missing" parent is? And if so, just say, "Moshe's parents are divorced, which means they are not married to each other anymore, so Moshe's father doesn't live in Moshe's house anymore." Most kids should be able to assimilate that information.

cinnamon

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:04 am

Of course I do. If I though their home was not a safe place I would have them come to us. (Like I would and have done with any friends of my kids regardless of the parent's maritial status) In fact, when my kids were little they were in an after school program with a brother and sister whose parents were divorced. They became really good friends and and played together often. Yes they had some questions and my daughter even asked me onceif dh and I might get divorced. So we talked about it. Its not like you can hide that fact that some couples get divorced you know?

JoyInTheMorning

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:08 am

Do you check to make sure that all kids your kids play with are emotionally sound? Are you sure a potential playmate doesn't get hit or yelled at by his parents or by his teachers? Wouldn't that be more likely to make a child emotionally troubled than a divorce? Do you check to make sure that the parents of every child your kids play with are in a happy, stable marriage and would never yell at each other over the breakfast table?

What about checking for serious illness in some family member? What if one of the parents recently became unemployed? That would cause emotional distress, too, wouldn't it? How are you going to control for all of that?

LovesHashem

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:00 am

All of these posters have a point. Yet my sister became friends with an entire groups of girls (and boys) who were all from broken homes and lived on the same steeet. There are about 20 kids ranging between 12-15 in it and they all hang out together.

Technically she does come from a messed up home to but it's not as bad as most of those kids. I noticed as she spent more time with them she became angry, bitter, was watching in April are thongs, talking to boys etc.

About half currently aren't frum (I've known them for a few years) and another quarter are less frum than they used to be and don't really believe in a GD. Point is, hanging with a group is not a good idea.

If it's one or two or a few girls, as long as you moniter it, make sure your kids are able to talk to you about abuse, boys, drugs, and other stuff that have more of a chance of happening in broken homes, and try to make your house fun and full of love so that the children come to you.

Btw when I mean broken homes I mean messed up homes. Meaning the parents went through a messy divorce plus other issues (ex. Years of a bad marriage, kids exposed to yelling, abuse, parent in jail, one parent committed suicide, kids whose mother is NEVER home or emotionally not present (even without a divorce situation).

I lnkw it possible to raise good happy healthy kids on your own after a divorce. I just don't know of any kids like that....

amother

Indigo

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:36 am

amother wrote:

Do you let your children play with kids from divorced homes? Don't these children have emotional issues and you don't want them to ask questions about where is tatty etc?

Oh the horror, children from divorced homes? Are you serious?

For goodness sake, this is a horribly insensitive attitude. There are plenty of people from "regular" homes who have emotional issues. There are plenty of people from divorced homes who don't. Some people from divorced homes are more well adjusted because they have parents who were mature enough to accept they did not get along. In other "intact" families, the mommy and tatty may be incompatible but staying together because they believe it is the correct thing to do. Often from the child's perspective, this is not the case.

Why don't you want to answer questions about where their tatty is? Would it make a difference if tatty is dead vs not living with the child's mommy anymore?

I do hope you become more enlightened and are able to explain to your children that sometimes mommys and tattys need to live apart, but they still love their children very much. If you want, you can paint it with a bit of a smoother brush and say how the friend is lucky as they have two homes instead of one.

I let my kids play with children from divorced homes. I might not let them play in yours though if you really are that narrow-minded to think that a child from a split home must have "emotional issues"....

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:47 am

I'm so surprised at the differentiation. Yes, being divorce, I am subjective. But I would like to add my perspective.

My kids are so much healthier than they were before I got divorced!! Divorce is difficult, but living in a difficult marriage is so much harder. And I'll tell you that people thought my life was so perfect when they knew nothing of what I was going through.

People go through all types of stressful situations in life. Being in a 2-parent family is part of a picture, but just part. Children of all types of families can have emotional issues. There is so much playing a role here including genetics, environment, personality, emotional predisposition...

Regarding your other concern, that your children will ask where their father is, and if they do, what's so complicated about telling them?

My kids are open about the divorce situation. Some more so, some less. My daughter, who was 6 at the time, told a friend of hers that her parents don't live together. This friend told her, "In my whole life (all of 6 years old) I never heard of such a thing". My daughter just took it in stride. She found it strange that this girl never heard of it, but fine, no big deal. When she was younger, she brought a friend home and that girl saw one bed in my room and asked her about it. Nonchalantly she said, "My father doesn't live here".

If you take their questions and concerns in stride and just explain things as they are, without emotional hype, kids usually take it that way.

Of course you can have children from a divorced home that you will feel are not a healthy influence on your child and you need to take necessary precautions. But you will have children from a 2-parent home that you will feel the same way.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:58 am

amother wrote:

Exactly. What Copper says. I am impressed Copper that you were able to write this post without showing any annoyance at OP's post. My post above was less controlled. Kudos to you Copper. Your response is the polite version of the point I was trying to make. Smile

amother

Indigo

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:03 am

Iymnok wrote:

Why not?
If the abusive father has custody, I wouldn't. But why should the kids be ostracized just because their parent's marriage didn't work out?

You're assuming that the labelled "abusive father" is truly abusive vs being labelled that via a messy divorce. If he were truly abusive, how would he have obtained custody? Maybe think about that first. When you let your kids play at other people's homes, you have no idea if the father (or mother) are abusive. Being in an "intact" family, doesn't mean that parents can't be abusive.

Iymnok

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:43 am

amother wrote:

No. I'm taking an extreme and unlikely situation.
And yes, any home could be unsafe for your kids.
My kids have asked me some very interesting questions about practices they've seen in their friends homes. Lack of a father is a relatively easy question to answer.

33055

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:23 am

amother wrote:

Do you let your children play with kids from divorced homes? Don't these children have emotional issues and you don't want them to ask questions about where is tatty etc?

I don't know why this post was reported. OP has a legitimate concern. Where else can she go to question this? There is extreme real life prejudice against children of divorced parents in the community.

When my daughter's friend got divorced, friends expressed shock that I didn't isolate her from her friend.

Why not answer her without the hostility?

OP to answer your question, I would not automatically exclude those friends; however, there is a difference between the way children behave. I will post research later. You can throw tomatoes then.

watergirl

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:38 am

amother wrote:

Op here
I asking this because my ds wants play date with a kid from school. I know this kids come from broken home. The mother is working outside of the home. In my experience kids from broken homes is not behaved well and this is a bad example for my boy. I also don't want him to think divorce is normal.

What the heck is wrong with you? The mother is working outside the home? So what!!?? Unless she’s a call girl, MOST mothers work outside the home! Children from divorced homes suffer enough stigma as it is. Why make it worse?
My home is not broken. It is very whole. I am strong. Stronger than you, maybe. I did what I had to do. My kids are also strong - and I’ll bet better behaved than yours. I see an issue and fix it when it needs to be fixed. They have been through therapy to heal from trauma. I’m so happy that your marriage is free from abuse, assult, and works well and you can stay in it. But lets say Gd forbid it was you. Would you want to be looked at as one mass of people? Would you want your own children to suffer? You should be raising your kids to be atrong also and that means doing what had to be done. No one gets divorced because their first or even 50th choice. I can tell you that every single person who gets divorced did it because they have no choice.

Your kids are learning from your example. You are making massive sweeping statements about a collective of people and its absurd and offensive. And right before the Yom HaDin, when we want HKBH to look at us not only as klal yisrael, but as individuals. Is this how you emulate Him? Judging CHILDREN? Seeing kids who suffer and then dont want to invite them over? Deny them their childhood? Because other kids you know from divorced homes have issues? Its time to look inward and see why you feel this way.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:42 am

amother wrote:

Divorced AND works outside the home. A disgrace!
<sigh>
It seems you do not have enough experience if you think kids from broken homes do not behave well as a general rule.
If your son played at his house, you are not giving him the message that divorce is preferred, just that it exists. Which it does, for some very strong, brave, clear-headed women or men previously in bad marriages.

amother

Teal

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:56 am

amother wrote:

You seem so insensative. Truly not understanding of things beyond a childs control. I came from a single parent home. One of my parents died and the other was abusive. I grew and learned to be understanding and giving. So I'm guess I'm a bad influence on you and your son too. You know, as in forget about all the orphan mitzvos. My dh is from a divorced home. I guess its good you never took a second look at him and I got the most amazing kind and gentle husband on the planet. Seriously, your question is cruel.

Second, do you not trust your sons judgment to choose good friends despite growing up in your perfect model home? I would think he would know how to choose sensitive, kind, giving and gentle friends if that's the way you raised him.

Third, reality behind closed doors is never the same as the outside. A double parent home means very little. Do you not see the parts from women here in rl horrible marriages?

simcha2

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:56 am

OP, please remember we are approaching Yom Kippur. We try and emulate Hashem's middos. Please try and show some rachamim on this child who you want to ostracize, in the same way that you are about to ask HaKodesh Baruch Hu to show rachamim to you.
Please judge this child favorably (why assume he has behavioural issues?) So Hashem can judge you favorably.

Wishing you a gmar vchasimah tova.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:59 am

I’m very happy for you that you’ve been so sheltered from divorce. My parents are divorced, and yes, mom *gasp* worked to pay the bills. They are good people- both very involved in my life (Dad saw me half the time- unheard of 25+ years ago).

My friend had happily married parents. She was abused by a family member, (along with her sister), spent years OTD (drinking, smoking, sleeping around) before coming to terms with what happened and coming back. But g-d knows that since HER parents are married, she’s clearly a better option.

Perhaps before you punish an innocent child that’s been hurt through a divorce (though kids are resilient and accept faster than community), you should meet the child and parent, without asking about the divorce, and find out what type of people they are. If they’re good people, let them play. If they’re jerks, keep your kid away.