Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
What do I do next? (long post) please read, updated
Previous  1  2  3  4  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

relish




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:13 pm
amother wrote:
I still trust my daughter 100%. Her story is true. I still have her face in my mind, the way she looked when she hesitantly blurted out "[bil] said I shouldn't tell you".
The question that has been raised now, is it possible she misunderstood.

what happened now?

1) bil has a semi-possible innocent version of the story.
2) mil says she saw his face when he denied the story (this is the least convincing to me)
3) the mentor said what I wrote above, posters refuted that

1) BIL's first priority is to protect himself
2) MIL is his mother, again BIL is her son
3) the mentor is not trained enough for this kind of stuff, or he would have more of a title than just mentor
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:16 pm
amother wrote:
Can you be 100% certain that she won't perceive it as you doubting her story?


I don't know Sad
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:20 pm
amother wrote:
I don't know Sad

What's more important to you?
Finding out the truth (that you seem to already know in your gut, and she may switch her story because she feels you doubting her)

Or

Maintaining your daughter's trust and dignity?
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:21 pm
amother wrote:
One very important point: You have to protect her EMOTIONALLY as much as physically. This means, seeing the abuser can be almost as triggering as actually being repeat molested. The first step in convincing your daughter that you believe her and will keep her safe is to make sure she never has to be in the same house as this boy. Children don't lie about these things, and an 8 year old understands what happened.


This is a very good point, which brings me to another question.
She doesn't seem traumatized at all. We've seen him, though we didn't spend shabbos there because I didn't feel comfortable in my ability to keep an eye on dd every second. We've been to family barbecues in the summer, things like that.
Dd seems totally comfortable and normal around him.
Is that weird?
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:25 pm
amother wrote:
This is a very good point, which brings me to another question.
She doesn't seem traumatized at all. We've seen him, though we didn't spend shabbos there because I didn't feel comfortable in my ability to keep an eye on dd every second. We've been to family barbecues in the summer, things like that.
Dd seems totally comfortable and normal around him.
Is that weird?

Not really. You handled it very well.
When my daughter was molested, and she told me. I handled it similarly. We then went for a full evaluation just to be sure, and I was told that she is not at all traumatized from what happened.
She is totally fine.
She still misses that relative, but I tell her that her safety is more important than a relationship with that relative, and because they didn't show respect for her body, we will find other people for her to be friends with, but she can't play with that relative anymore.

Dd honestly trusts you. Maintain that trust, and keep her away from this boy.
Back to top

LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:25 pm
She may not remember or care that much. It seems Baruch Hashem!!! it didn't affect her so much. She went to you and shared it.

I'm just wondering... Isn't it yichud for her to be with her uncle alone anyways? I'm fuzzy on the halachos....
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:27 pm
removing a stupid post
Back to top

relish




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:30 pm
I have nothing to say other than what you are doing sounds like rationales I used to protect my abusers. Do you really want to be that mom who protected an outsider over your daughter?
You are not a judge, this is not an innocent until proven guilty situation.


Last edited by relish on Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:39 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:30 pm
LovesHashem wrote:
She may not remember or care that much. It seems Baruch Hashem!!! it didn't affect her so much. She went to you and shared it.

I'm just wondering... Isn't it yichud for her to be with her uncle alone anyways? I'm fuzzy on the halachos....

It would be yichud, but they weren't alone in the house.
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:33 pm
relish wrote:
I have nothing to say other than what you are doing sounds like rationales I used to protect my abusers. Do you really want to be that mom who protected an outsider over your daughter?
You are not a judge, this is not an innocent until proven guilty situation.
It's about being there for your daughter, and protecting her.


I'm really not. None of what I wrote there (in the post you quoted) is what I believe. I'm just feeling my way in the dark here, trying to figure out what to do.
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:37 pm
edited
Back to top

relish




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:40 pm
amother wrote:
removing a stupid post

It's not stupid at all.
You are at a very confusing stage right now.
Family is supposed to be there for each other and support each other.
It's traumatic to find out that the people closest to you can hurt you so bad.

Take the time to process it.
Back to top

MrsDash




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:50 pm
I know someone who was in a very similar situation. Except it was with cousins. They kept their kid away from theirs. It was a rocky road for them, but it gave their child a strong sense of self confidence and now, years later, their child is a normal, functional adult, while the other kid is in prison for assault on another young individual(s). At 15, they aren’t experimenting or curious like they were at 5 or 6. There is no way to construe that situation any other way than something inappropriate. Stick with your gut. Your child comes before everyone else.
Back to top

amother
Salmon


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:55 pm
amother wrote:
This is a very good point, which brings me to another question.
She doesn't seem traumatized at all. We've seen him, though we didn't spend shabbos there because I didn't feel comfortable in my ability to keep an eye on dd every second. We've been to family barbecues in the summer, things like that.
Dd seems totally comfortable and normal around him.
Is that weird?


Even in severe abuse, when people are molested they are often very confused. One reason is because the abuser is usually someone they love and trust and the family knows well. Often, even the act of molestation is done in a confusing way to make the child feel like this is being done because they love the child and the child is extra special. Adding on treats or rewards further complicates it.

A child does not always understand the gravity of the boundaries that were crossed. A 14 year old will be much more traumatized by the same request to show her privates.
Sometimes, the child will need to revisit the episode when they get older and realize how inappropriate/scary it was that this happened to them.

There are many levels of trauma, and a life-long timeline to react. Usually, when a child is not reacting at the time of the trauma, there is either a maturity gap (they don't realize how bad it was and may have to process as a teen) or they truly heal from their parents belief in them and ability to keep them both physically and emotionally safe afterwards. There is also something called dissociation which means the child sort of cuts off the emotion or experience so they can cope better.

Some people get traumatized at seemingly small things, and some people walk away fine from much larger traumas (less likely). Your daughters experience was relatively benign. But there are levels of trauma. Just because she isn't having nightmares or wetting her pants doesn't mean she doesn't need to process with her parents, feel extra coddled for a period of time, or have extra comfort at bedtime. It may not be full fledged trauma, but it is stressful.

My child was abused. I asked him if he thought a child could heal if they were safe (never hurt again) but saw the abuser in shul every week. He strongly believed it would be impossible to heal, because they are constantly going to be reminded of the injustice, fear other children may be hurt, and past abuse when they see him. The number one rule to healing abused people is to stop contact with the abuser.

I echo what another poster said--if you doubt her story, she will get the vibe. You job is not to be a judge, your job is to be the number one advocate and protector of your child.
Back to top

amother
Amethyst


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 5:57 pm
Op, you are trying to get a "confession" from your bil. Because you dont have a confession, you are starting to doubt yourself. DONT DOUBT YOURSELF BC OF A LACK OF CONFESSION!! Your bil will probably never admit what he did, why would he?? People who do this dont want others to know.

You believed your daughter 100%, even your mil believed you at the beg. Just BC the mentor thinks the bil is not hiding anything does not mean your bil didnt do it. Many times people who do these bad things are also very good at lying and convincing others he would never do such a thing.

I think you should give up hope of getting a confession. Obviously your bil needs help and if your in laws want to ignore this, there's nothing you can do. But, you have to believe your daughter just as you did at the beg. And you'll see what steps to take to protect her based on what the experienced professionals in this area say.

Hatzlacha.
Back to top

amother
Lavender


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:12 pm
amother wrote:
Op, you are trying to get a "confession" from your bil. Because you dont have a confession, you are starting to doubt yourself. DONT DOUBT YOURSELF BC OF A LACK OF CONFESSION!! Your bil will probably never admit what he did, why would he?? People who do this dont want others to know.

You believed your daughter 100%, even your mil believed you at the beg. Just BC the mentor thinks the bil is not hiding anything does not mean your bil didnt do it. Many times people who do these bad things are also very good at lying and convincing others he would never do such a thing.

I think you should give up hope of getting a confession. Obviously your bil needs help and if your in laws want to ignore this, there's nothing you can do. But, you have to believe your daughter just as you did at the beg. And you'll see what steps to take to protect her based on what the experienced professionals in this area say.

Hatzlacha.


You're right.
Thank you. this was so important for me to read.
Back to top

momofone613




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 7:02 pm
Usually I read everyone's response to posts before responding, but this is such a store subject for me that I just have to respond!

There are so many things to this, and granted it's complicated by it being a family member, but that's almost what makes it worse bc he has easy access.

Do not let your daughter near him, family or not!!! He CAN try again! He can want to try again bc he will be shown ( if u continue visits) that he won out, u no longer believe ur daughter so he's in the clear!
He can try again as a personal victory, ego thing whatever.
He can try again, like I said B4, easy access. So many other reasons as well but those are a few...

Mostly, if u continue get togethers u will be showing ur daughter that she can't trust you. That u won't believe her. That she opened up to u, even though she may have been scared, embarrassed, and questioning weather you would believe her given who it was. (Etc...)

You do not want ur other kids to be exposed to him either! (Double check this daughter is the only one who this happened to!)

Anyways, done with the monologue for now. Seriously tho, no matter what, u and ur kids
Never are in contact with him again. Period. Regardless what ur husband thinks, regardless of family. Just all communication at all is done.
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 7:06 pm
amother wrote:
Everything you say makes so much sense.
As I said, these are my in laws. and they didn't deny it at first- they believed us completely. They weren't looking to prove us wrong, just trying to get their son to open up and talk about it. and his denial was very convincing (apparently).
Even my husband thinks a mistake might have happened. Though I haven't spoken to him since I started this thread...


now that you courageously revealed to us that the family is your in-laws, the whole picture changes. It's not just a strange family or a neighbor that you can brush off visiting them.
It's more difficult.

And remember, the boy is ... your husband's brother!!! Hence, your husband might dismiss it as a mistake e.t.c
It's a difficult situation for your dh.

Definitely believe your daughter. Also, this way she'll have trust in you to tell you other things in her life. And if you do go to your in-laws keep an eagle eye on your daughter (I know it's
hard) and keep your b-I-l and your daughter far apart physically from each other, I would suggest try not to let your daughter associate, play, or talk to him, apart from perhaps a casual, "hello."

I might sound cruel or coming across as too strong, but your daughter's protection comes
first and foremost, and your b-I-l has to get the message that what he did is very wrong,
and hence you don't let him play with your daughter b/c of what he did.

He has to face the consequences of his act.

Really, if he is sadly into "these" things, he's the one who needs help. And the sooner the better.

Lots of hatzlacha!!!

I reach out to you with a warm hug.

Daven on Yom Kippur about it that Hashem should help your b-I-l he should be able to get out of the rut, and that all should go smooth re future visiting your in-laws, be'H.
And that the incident shouldn't have affected your daughter even sub-consciously.

G'mar chasimah tovah.
An easy fast.
Back to top

petiteruchy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 7:17 pm
I just wanted to point out that the boy might have himself disassociated from the event, which is why getting "the truth" is unlikely. He has convinced himself that it didn't happen or that it happened another way, and that's it. He's also a child and needs to be protected, in this case from himself. If you don't take the drastic action of keeping DD and your other children away from him, you're making it that much harder for him to come around to the hard reality.

Anyway, I just wanted to validate again for you that I believe your dd. The events as you've told them make sense and there's no reason that your dd should be disbelieved.

I do think that meeting a counselor to discuss under what circumstances you might be able to renew contact with your family would be a good idea. The circumstances might be unrealistic (family admits Uncle is lying, seeks treatment, etc) but they'll give you a solid goal post when the inevitable guilt tripping and arguing begins.
Back to top

subee




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2017, 7:41 pm
I think it's expected that his parents and your husband will be unable to accept this about their loved one. Objectively it seems clear that he is guilty. Their state of denial is par for the course and not a reason to cause you to doubt. Also people like your brother in law can be very smooth liars.
Back to top
Page 3 of 4 Previous  1  2  3  4  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Post your strands score!
by amother
235 Today at 7:45 am View last post
Long black skirt casual- slinky type
by amother
0 Today at 12:04 am View last post
Long shabbos
by amother
2 Yesterday at 9:25 pm View last post
Can I wear a velvet dress to a wedding next week
by amother
21 Yesterday at 6:42 pm View last post
Allegria hotel Long Beach
by amother
2 Yesterday at 5:38 pm View last post