I am in denial about YK. Like I was for RH.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:02 pm

Hi

longish post ahead- there's your warning

I have an issue with this time of year. I feel that I have really gone down spiritually in the past few years since having children. I love being a SAHM, truly believe that this is best for my kids and have no desire to work at this point out of the home.

However. I have been sliding down ever since they were born. I barely daven, some days birkot hashachar, some days nothing. I often forget or push off saying birkat hamazon until I remember hours later. I don't read any books relating to Judaism apart from superficial Shabbat magazines. I have been dishonest in business dealings (work from home very pt)- not intentionally originally but I ended up clocking hours I thought I'd make up and have yet to make them up. I carry a lot of guilt for that and probably a lot of self-dislike. I could go on and on in areas both between me and H' and me and others that I am ashamed about.

But.

Come RH and YK I freeze up out of despair. I guess you could say I let despair get the better of me. RH was about making meals and looking after my very little children. And hearing Shofar because "it's the right thing to do" while hating the fact that it did nothing for me.

I have made a real attempt to say brachot since RH, I've been super tired and have lost my temper far too much with my kids. Probably more than usual. I have a rather large dose of self loathing at this point. I've done nothing to get ready for YK. I'm scared and sad and lost. It's too late and I'm coming with sacks full of sins.

I am not sure what I want from this post. I guess I needed to get this off my chest in some way.

rydys

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:11 pm

From my perspective, you are doing what you should do. You have pinpointed areas where you need to improve (vidui), you feel bad about what you have done (charata) and you have started to work on yourself by picking an area to focus on improving with your brachos (azivas hachet).

Hashem does not expect us to change overnight, we just have to get started. You've made that start, now keep going, little changes at a time.

relish

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:15 pm

I was trying to figure out how to say this without sounding mean or preachy, but I can't come up with a way that doesn't sound bad when you read it back. So, please, know that I'm saying this because I really feel for you and care about you, and read it from that perspective.
---

It sounds like it's time for you to stop working on growing and shift your focus to self-acceptance.

Stop trying to be the person of your dreams, and start accepting yourself for where you are at right now. Love that person, but for real. Know that God sees where your at and loves you all the same.

Don't try to change yourself. Just accept everything about you. Love that you mess up. Love that you don't have patience. Love that you forget to say brachot. Love that you wish you were different. Love that you yell at your kids.

Deeply and profoundly accept yourself for who you are right at this moment in time.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:21 pm

rydys wrote:

Thank-you for your input. I just feel that the little I do is dwarfed by the vast amount of awful things I have done this year.

Relish - I am not offended in the slightest but am slightly shaken - could you elaborate please- I can't accept what I am at this given point because I am very unsatisfied with where I am in so many areas in life. This is why I feel the need to become better - but I just find that this season pushes the "freeze" button- when pressured I freeze- during the year I will try and improve at my own pace but give me a set period and I want to run away...

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:24 pm

ok. you edited now to elaborate. and made me cry. in a good way. I think.

Yes, I would agree that I have a really hard time accepting where I am right now.

Absolute hashgacha that my husband mentioned to me today his new-found desire to really and truly forgive...himself at this time of year. I think I was listening and speaking about this topic in a manner that wasn't connected to myself but you'e bought the message home. I think my husband isn't the only one who should be busying himself with that...

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:28 pm

Relish - this is going to sound sad- but I don't know if I know how.

You've hit something real in me apparently because your post is making me cry a lot. This sounds sad but could you point me in the direction of how to love myself. Gosh, that sounds ridiculous doesn't it. But I truly don't know how to change my mindset around. How to stop being to self-critical. How to hate everything that isn't right yet.

relish

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 3:53 pm

You can start by listening to some of the stuff here
http://live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/

There is stuff I can show you, (like tapping points on your body) because I am working on this now too, but I need to be able to talk it out with you. I can't really type it up here.

Also, if you live in Flatbush, and are free Wednesday mornings, there is this shiur that you may like.

relish

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:11 pm

amother wrote:

I could have written your post, down to the finest details.

What scares me the most is I can't connect to Hashem, it feels like there is a massive wall that I will never be able to climb over, and I've kind of given up.

I'm telling you only from personal experience, so this is biased.

But, it's impossible to connect to Hashem without first connecting to yourself. How can you connect to Hashem, if you can't connect to the part of Him in you-your neshama?

The first step is self-acceptance. What it does is, it eliminates the fight or flight response in your body when you think about yourself, and allows you to relax and feel those feelings. (It is okay that I'm beating myself up for beating myself up again for doing something wrong)
When we feel our feelings with a relaxed body, our body can process them and let them go. We begin the cycle of healing.

Then you will be able to connect with yourself, and once we are connected with our inner selves-our neshama, the connection with Hashem happens automatically. Our souls yearn for Hashem and want to do what's right. We are just not connected enough to realize it.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:12 pm

amother wrote:

Brown. Please don't give up. I don't have much to add but perhaps it's also a reflection of my desire to believe that it's not over yet. I refuse to give up yet. Personally, Relish has absolutely touched on a point for me. I intend to get going in that direction.

Although I don't connect to H much at all day-to-day I know He is there and wants us coming back. No matter what. At this point my shame is hard for me to overcome. But please. Don't give up.

amother

Copper

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:15 pm

relish wrote:

Thank-you. I am intrigued by the link. I would also love to know if there are Jewish resources. I am already starting to look. Meaning, I don't know if this lady is Jewish or not and I know there is something to be said from taking certain wisdoms from non-Jewish people too. But I always prefer to go looking first in the Jewish world for resources...

I was going to say I'm afraid I'm not in Flatbush so can't enjoy the shiur you're speaking about but let's change that to BH I live in EY Wink

relish

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 4:20 pm

amother wrote:

Find a shiur that teaches chassidus in a way that speaks to you. Chassidus teaches these concepts, but they need to be presented by the right person.
(Tanya, lekutei maharan)
I found that for me, it is undoing a lifetime of misunderstanding terms and concepts in Torah, and replacing them with an understanding that beats a lot of psychology. You just have to know how to understand it.

relish

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 6:12 pm

Beingreal wrote:

I feel my twin has written this (even though I don't have one). I love being a mom and I thank Hashem every day for my kids.

But I dont know what to do with myself this time of year because my kids make trouble and I cant daven or do things to make the day spiritual....

🚨 Platitudes 🚨 alert 🚨

You may not view it as spiritual, but you are doing the ultimate self sacrifice by taking care of your children instead of spending the day in Shul saying the words of tefilla.

You are taking care of Jewish people who are helpless. Each of these people has a neshama, a part of Hashem in them. When you take care of them, you are doing the ultimate thing for Hashem. You are taking care of Hashem Himself (neshama), enclothed in your children's bodies. What a closeness!

hesha

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 9:53 pm

We are taught that chana Haneviah would travel to the mishkan in Shiloh every year for 3 regaalim except for the 2 years that she was home when her son Shmuel hanavi was a baby. For those years she stayed home bec she felt the traveling would be too much for the baby and it was best for him to be at home. The Lubavitcher Rebbe would often say that the avodah of taking care of young children is holier than going to the mishkan in shiloh! She could have left the baby with somebody else and traveled herself but she knew that staying with her child was more impt. It is the most valuable thing a Jewish woman can accomplish in her lifetime , more than any davening etc she can do. Of course there is room for character improvement etc but it's impt to realize the value of what you are doing with your life each and every day!

TranquilityAndPeace

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 11:25 pm

Hugs, OP!

Here's some shiurim from Rabbi YY Jacobson about the topic that Relish talked about!

https://www.theyeshiva.net/item/5363 - an amazing understanding of the whole Tishrei and Cheshvon! So even if you don't listen to this before YK, it's still applicable for a few more weeks. (and always!)

https://www.theyeshiva.net/item/2949 - this is a Fabregin from last year which inspired me for the whole year! It's long, maybe download it to your phone and listen for a few minutes at a time.

Gemar chasimah tovah!