S/o Do you and your husband go through each others phones?

amother

Babypink

Fri, Sep 29 2017, 2:39 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I don't hide my phone. Neither does my husband. But we also don't feel the need to go digging through each other's emails and texts and conversations.

Its an oxymoron. If I had to read through that to trust my husband, then clearly there is no trust to be had in any case.

Well, isn't that whole concept addressed in the laws of yichud? If my husband was going into yichud with another woman should I say 'I trust my husband'? So not being able to 'watch without watching' my husband's phone conversations, many of which may be with his female co-workers or clients, is sort of the electronic form of yichud. So since it's not an option for him to not communicate with other women in his job the solution is that his wife could 'walk in' at any time.

And my parents, who don't have cellphones, read each other's mail. And share an email account. So it's not just an age-related issue.

happyone

Fri, Sep 29 2017, 2:43 pm

No. Because we trust each other. And I would have no problem if he did choose to scroll through my phone or me through his . Because we trust each other aND have nothing to hide .

Boca00

Fri, Sep 29 2017, 4:06 pm

happyone wrote:

No. Because we trust each other. And I would have no problem if he did choose to scroll through my phone or me through his . Because we trust each other aND have nothing to hide .

I understand that you have nothing to hide. But what if the people who text you do?

Studious

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 1:31 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I have no secret for my husband. Following me yes that's weird. Wanting to come with me, yay!
I have no idea what a privacy lawyer is lol.

Privacy law is very hot now, especially because of recent legislation in Europe. A privacy lawyer could provide basic services like drafting a privacy policy for an app (each time you download an app you agree to the terms of the privacy policy - what data is collected about you and how it is used). It could be more complex things like counseling a company about what types of data they can collect on their apps, from their employees, etc. How to obtain consent, transfer of data abroad, use of data processors. There is much more awareness of these matters now than even 5 years ago. Comes up a lot when performing due diligence on a company that is being purchased. Not my only field of practice, but still an important one.

LovesHashem

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 1:41 pm

Boca00 wrote:

I understand that you have nothing to hide. But what if the people who text you do?

1. If you want to share things with DH (not through reading each other's stuff....like news, illness etc) (I'm an open person, I'm really bad with keeping things from good friends, and DH) my really good friends know DH will know about it unless it's a tzniyus thing (struggles with tzniyus, ruchniyus, medical that concerns her DH like infertility, period cramps, etc) and they know if they specifically want something not told to him they will let me know.

If anyone else tells me something private I also let them know I usually talk to DH and ask them if they are ok with him knowing.

2. That is why me and DH keep friends and close family members personal chats off limits.

amother

Brown

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 7:22 pm

I was going through a rough patch in my marriage. I wasn't very communicative at that time. DH wanted to know what I was thinking /feeling so he would go through my emails at night.
When I realised then I was so very hurt. I felt like I couldn't even be safe in my own bedroom...
I expressed my hurt, he struggled to stop but then suggested that I put a thumbprint on my phone to stop him from even wanting too.
This was a year ago.
Wow. What a difference one year can make.
Now bh bh I wouldn't care in the slightest if he reads anything of mine.
I am so much more communicative. I am not hiding anything from him and actually forward a lot of my emails to him so as to keep the lines of communication flowing when I'm struggling verbally...
Not hiding things from my own DH is so much calmer and easier than being vulnerable and sharing everything...

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 1:16 am

If I handed him my phone or computer to try to speed it up, or update it for me (he works in computers), I have 100% trust he will not go through my files, chats, texts, emails or anything else.

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 6:15 am

me personally find it disturbing if my husband wld want to check my texts/emails. why should my husband read something personal or maybe private that my friend or fam member sends me. my friends wouldnt trust me to send emails/texts if they knew my husband was reading them! totally not appropriate!

jewishmom6

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 12:38 pm

Can I bump this up?

My husband always checks my phone. Makes sure its fully charged...

this drives me up the wall.

And then he would try to get out of me why I didnt tell him something.
For example: my SIL who we are having for shabbos offered to make salad and we happened to have been discussing my bil also offering and I just stam didnt tell him that she also offered to make something.

When he saw that txt he was infuriated why I didnt tell him.
Seriously?
I blew my top that there is no reason I didnt tell him and he needs to stop looking at my phone and on and on the argument went.......

IS THIS NORMAL?? OR DO I HAVE TO ALWAYS TELL MY HUSBAND EVERYTHING?
there is no rhyme or reason why I dont tell him...its so frustrating that he gets sooo upset when he is not in the know about everything.

Studious

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 12:57 pm

jewishmom6 wrote:

This is not normal. Going through someone's phone if that person is against it is a breach of trust and a breach of privacy. You need to set boundaries. You need your space.

ShishKabob

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 12:57 pm

You don't have to tell him everything. In any event you can tell him that you didn't think you need to tell him because he finds out from your phone anyway. He needs to know about it twice?

jewishmom6

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 1:27 pm

Studious wrote:

This is not normal. Going through someone's phone if that person is against it is a breach of trust and a breach of privacy. You need to set boundaries. You need your space.

he told me the fact that I don't tell him everything is the reason he goes through my phone (neighborhood chats he doesn't care)

Studious

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 1:33 pm

jewishmom6 wrote:

he told me the fact that I don't tell him everything is the reason he goes through my phone (neighborhood chats he doesn't care)

That's just gaslighting. You have no obligation to tell him everything, and he has no right to take matters into his own hands to "correct" the situation with which he is unhappy. He is basically telling you that you have no rights to privacy. You have the right to choose what you share with anyone in the world, including your husband. That is what being a human being means.

Can't you change the password to your phone (or create one if you don't have one already)?

ShishKabob

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 1:43 pm

Studious wrote:

Can't you change the password to your phone (or create one if you don't have one already)?

I don't think this would help her sholom bayis. I think she should make it a point of telling him a bunch of new each day (and skipping parts that she wants), that should give him a feeling that she's including him in her day and in her life and that she's not hiding anything. I think that's a more effective way of getting him to stop looking at her phone, if he's only doing it because she's not sharing with him.

Studious

Thu, Jan 13 2022, 2:31 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I hear what you are saying. But what if there is an element of control here? I am not sure that allowing that is a good long-term strategy.