Claims his "hands hurt"

amother

Brown

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:46 pm

My 5 year old has a hard time contributing to household chores. He wants ME to help him with everything--and I mean EVERYTHING, I've told him that that is not always possible--he's the middle child, currently, but I'm due next month. What I don't understand is he often uses the excuse that his hands hurt when he cleans up or does "hard jobs"--its only at clean up when this comes up, he plays no problem. He does use the same excuse for doing writing/homework sometimes, but he rarely has written homework. I had him evaluated by an OT last year b/c he was always saying that "he can't" and he scored in the Average/High Average range.
I need him to be a helper, not a helpless baby. I really try to give him tasks that I think he should be capable of at his age, but how do I address this "hands hurting" complaint?

amother

Violet

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:53 pm

If he complains that his hands hurt when you ask him to clean up, then say oh, I'm so sorry, you really should rest those hands. You should probably go lay down because playing with toys/coloring etc will also require you to use your hands, and we want to make sure they rest. If he says no, they feel better, say ok great, you can finish cleaning up and then play.

Seriously

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:58 pm

Sounds like a power struggle between you needing him to grow up and him wanting a mommy to take care of him and help HIM. And considering he is 5, id say he is pretty entitled to act like a 5 year old!

Also, how experienced was this OT?
Perhaps she didn't do a thorough testing...
Can you get him reevaluated?
Have them look at his overall tone and posture as well

amother

Vermilion

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:05 pm

Seems his hands are very happy to play, as that's what five year olds are meant to do :-)
As an adult, my hands don't hurt for doing the things I WANT to do, but should someone pressure me to do something I don't want to...my hands may start hurting as a sign of protest.
Listen to his hands. Encourage him to listen to his hands. You may save lots of money in therapy bills further down the line.
Sounds like a very smart kid.

SixOfWands

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:15 pm

amother wrote:

In the grand scheme of things, he is still a baby. The fact that you have chosen to have several children younger than him, and that you would like him to be a "helper," doesn't change the fact that he's still only 5. (I'm not criticizing you for having kids. And sometimes it's difficult to remember that the older ones are still very little. I get that.)

Please remove the notion that he is a "helpless baby" from your thoughts and vocabulary. Its not helpful to you, and its very hurtful to him.

That said, there are things a 5 year old should be able to do. If his "hands hurt" tell him to take a break, and get back to it. But during the break, no Lego or crayons or anything else. His hands hurt. Or switch it up to something that doesn't require much of a grip.

I'd also ask the teachers if he has this issue at school. I know you had an evaluation, but I do wonder if there is a physical reason for this.

amother

Taupe

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:22 pm

Im remembering a similar post a while back and wonder if you are the same op.
A 5 yr old is still a toddler and you cannot expect too much from him. When my 5 yr old wants toys I say we can take out the containers but we must clean up when done and ofcoarse he doesnt naturally clean up we need to sometimes do it together but I dont expect him to be my helper.
If you feel overwhelmed by a new one on the way perhaps you need more cleaning help.
Youll expect too much it will only backfire,

going-up

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:26 pm

To those saying let him be a kid. I think a 5 year old is still a kid even if he is expected to put away his toys after he plays with them or put his clothes in the hamper when he is done with them. What kind of chores are you referring to?

That being said my 6 year old is so similar, not with the excuse but with other excuses to avoid cleaning up after himself. I find helping him along aka doing it together, giving step by step instructions in a fun way I.e. timing it making it into a challenge as well as thanking him and telling him what a big helper and how responsible he is.

simba

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:28 pm

Another vote for your little boy. Sorry mommy! You need to find another form of help Sad

My 6 year old feels very "sick" at bedtime. His throat kills, stomach hurts you name it..
I give him the proper attention each time as if he is sick. Even after he has been playing all day happily.
I have taken him to the dr. And will do again if it continues.
We did bloodwork to make sure his body has all the vitamins and nutrients it needs. I bought an at home strept kit and use it if needed ( he usually turns it down as he doesn't like me swabbing his throat!)

He clearly needs the attention and is asking for it. Least I can do is comply.
Good luck!

Zehava

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:51 pm

My first thought as well was that you are the op of the other thread about a five year old boy who doesn't help enough.
And once again the answer is in the question.
YOU need him to be a helper. He senses that. And he refuses your inappropriate dependence on him. Good for him.
When a child is five chores are meant to teach age appropriate responsibility as a practice for later in life. Power struggles completely defeat the purpose and result in the opposite of what it is meant for.
Get the help you need some other way
We give birth to children not little servants.

amother

Brown

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:52 pm

I asked him to put a few legos back in the box--his hands hurt, or he "can't do such a hard job"
I asked him to put a book on the shelf--his hands hurt
I asked him to get dressed--help me
I asked him to put his bowl in the sink--too hard
I asked him to put his candy wrapper in the garbage--no
--mind you this child KNEW how to get dressed himself at 3 years old, and then he stopped doing it

I was a special Ed preschool teacher for years and every other child I taught did MORE than he does--with maybe a few exceptions.

No one really thinks there's anything WRONG with his hands--the school psychologist even requested it more to humor me.

But then again I have heard of childhood arthritis, and I myself have something that is not arthritis but could be connected to it--and I discovered it at 15 years old.

Zehava

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:07 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Why can't a five year clean up the mess he makes?

That is not the point. Ofcourse he can
But when a mother keeps repeating how SHE needs him to be her helper, and then describes how he refuses to do basic things that most five year olds are happy to do, you don't have to be a genius to see that the child feels pressured and they are locked in a power struggle. Which means the mother needs to take a step back for the time being and make him feel secure again.
Which according to previous posts I doubt she is ready or willing to do.

causemommysaid

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:07 pm

For what it's worth I think it's fine to ask a kid to do age appropriate chores.

My kids who are not close in age and don't have loads of younger siblings are also expected to clean up their toys, throw out their trash, and get dressed.

If he has no medical issues I really don't understand the coddling.

causemommysaid

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:09 pm

Zehava wrote:

I disagree. Allowing kids to be lazy and not take responsibility never helped anyone.

Maybe she needs to learn better techniques. I can agree with that.

Zehava

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:13 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I disagree. Allowing kids to be lazy and not take responsibility never helped anyone.

Maybe she needs to learn better techniques. I can agree with that.

I would never call a five year old lazy
Kids that age in general are happy to help. I know mine are still at the stage where they beg to be able to unpack the grocery order or set the table for the shabbos meal.
I know it won't last and they won't always be so eager.
So when a child that age refuses anything and everything it is a red flag that something is wrong, that he feels forced and there is a rupture in the relationship. He is trying to tell his mommy something that she, and you apparently, are refusing to hear.

amother

Mint

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:15 pm

amother wrote:

Why is OP being attacked?? Aren't these normal things for a 5 year old to do? I think I'm raising my kids in the same generation as ladies on here and yes I would expect my 5 year old to put his wrapper in the garbage and put away his legos. Clean the toilets no, but the above named things 1000% yea.

OP you just added that you have a condition related to JA... well in that case, a pediatric rheumatologist may be in order here.

causemommysaid

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:19 pm

Zehava wrote:

My kids can be very lazy. I love them but they would rather play and not clean up. Unpacking groceries, baking cakes, and building the sukka are not chores. In their mind it's fun so you can't compare. I generally offer loads of incentives to get them to do chores and I'm not on Imamother complaining about them so why don't you not make comments on my parenting?

Zehava

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:23 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

I made comments on your parenting?