Claims his "hands hurt"

RebekahsMom

Sat, Sep 30 2017, 11:59 pm

I don’t buy into power struggles. If his hands hurt too much to clean, tell him he no longer has to clean the legos and coloring books. You do it. Preferably in a large box, which you then put into the garage/ attic/ high shelf.

And explain that he should never touch anything that risks hurting his hands, because maybe using the toys made him sore and he just took a while to realize it.

And maybe if his hands stopped hurting log enough to put away his dish/ throw away his wrapper/ pick up the rest of his toys, you’d be convinced that his hands are good enough to play with legos again.

5 yr olds need chores and responsibilities. I’m not talking empty the trash and wash dishes, but they are capable of putting their plate in the sink and their undies in the hamper.

That being said, I agree with those that say that he may be feeling a little unnoticed, especially at 5, even more so as a middle child and you’re pregnant. Make sure he knows that you’ll always have time for him- especially if you are asking him to help out (but never withhold attention if he’s not helping). Good luck.

Laiya

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 1:03 am

"I'm so sorry that your hands hurt tzaddik'l! Can you show me where? Can I give them a kiss? What do you think will make them feel better? Would it help if you sat and rested them in my lap while I read you a book?"

This should not be tied to the cleaning up. Not, you'll read him a book if he cleans up after.

Because the most important message here is that a 5 year old shouldn't think that his mother doesn't care about his pain, or does't believe him (even if she has good reason not to). In his own head, something is bothering him, and that's what's important.

As far as getting him to do chores.

OP, try to catch him listening and being good, and heap praises on him. Just be very very positive. Forget about training him right now. Convey to him that you view him as an overall good, helpful person.

Avoid power struggles. Don't ask him to do something unless you're extremely confident he will comply. If you get into a power struggle, you both lose.

It sounds like there's too much negativity at this time, in the relationship, to train him to clean. Let some time go by where he feels enveloped in love, before trying to get him to do the chores.

amother

Beige

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 6:21 am

I'm a kindergarten teacher's aid.
A few years ago we had a child who use to complain she was ill every afternoon during group (reading/math) time.
She was always feeling better for recess, and time to go home.
The week of the letter D, we gave out little donuts as a snack.
We told her that she should take her's home and not eat it right away since her tummy hurts.
She never complained about her tummy again.
OTOH
DD, in second grade, always complained about headaches during math.
Once, I subbed in her class, and allowed the girls to draw on the white board.
The smell of the markers gave me a headache.
I asked the teacher if the girls do work up on the board or on little white boards.
Class switched to low scent markers, problem solved.

Rule out any problems, it could be that after playing 1 hr., his hands really do hurt. Perhaps suggest he takes a break for 15 minutes, and then clean up.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 7:29 am

amother wrote:

I asked him to put a few legos back in the box--his hands hurt, or he "can't do such a hard job"
I asked him to put a book on the shelf--his hands hurt
I asked him to get dressed--help me
I asked him to put his bowl in the sink--too hard
I asked him to put his candy wrapper in the garbage--no
--mind you this child KNEW how to get dressed himself at 3 years old, and then he stopped doing .

Dear op,

I really feel for you. Just when you need him to do more he's doing less :-(

My suggestion is to give him a break for a few weeks. Maybe hire a mothers helper so you have more help in general so you can baby him for some time.

I wonder if he picks up on your frustration. This can often tend to make kids dig their heels in. Kids have a strong need for autonomy. They want to have a choice about whether or not to comply with an adult's demands. Therefore, I think if you gently ask him, Would you be willing to help with a,b,c"
And accept his no gracefully, he might feel less pressure and eventually come around.

Also, is it possible he feels that you no longer want to "do things for him"? He may unconsciously be protesting that. Maybe he feels your attention is on the baby? Maybe he feels a baby is coming soon and he has an unconscious sadness or jealousy or fear of losing the care from you, therefore he's asking for more caretaking now?

The fact that he used to do it three years ago is great. My child self-trained at 2, then reverted to peeing and pooping in his panties at 6, when I was expecting a baby. We had him checked our by specialists and they found nothing wrong. I did some thinking about it and realized I'd been less loving to him. We had been getting into power struggles about little things. When I stopped the power struggles he went back to normal.

I wish for you the best of luck. This sounds frustrating.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 8:32 am

Zehava wrote:

That is not the point. Ofcourse he can
But when a mother keeps repeating how SHE needs him to be her helper, and then describes how he refuses to do basic things that most five year olds are happy to do, you don't have to be a genius to see that the child feels pressured and they are locked in a power struggle. Which means the mother needs to take a step back for the time being and make him feel secure again.
Which according to previous posts I doubt she is ready or willing to do.

I agree with this. He needs to feel secure and she's not helping.

He's probably not feeling enough love and this is his way of demanding it. Give it to him now or pay for it later in therapy.

Also a 5 year old is not a reliable helper. It's still training at this age and sometimes you just have to let thing go.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:42 am

amother wrote:

He's probably not feeling enough love and this is his way of demanding it. Give it to him now or pay for it later in therapy.

Also a 5 year old is not a reliable helper. It's still training at this age and sometimes you just have to let thing go.

Upthread OP says he used to do these things. He stopped. Most 5 yr olds can reliably clean up after playing. This 5 yr old used to do that. He now says ''his hand hurts''.

Wishing you the best of luck, op!

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 9:45 am

amother wrote:

right, pretty clearly emotional.

That a 5 year old can reliably clean up does not mean it happens every single time. He is not her helper. It should happen most of the time but Thera nothing wrong if occasionally it gets missed

amother

Brown

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 10:15 am

But it seems that no matter what I DO do for him it seems that I'm "NEVER helping him". He does seem to be a hyperchondriac over the slightest things--when he comes out of the bath he SHRIEKS that he's cold until I put on his bathrobe, but then like yesterday when it was chilly outside I offered him a jacket--but no, now he "likes to be cold" and this morning he chose to wear shorts and short-sleeves.

I WOULD put the legos away, problem is his older brother also plays with the legos and he DOES clean them up so I can't put them totally away or he'd be really mad. I did recently more than threaten to put the legos in the garbage if he didn't help, it did get him slightly more motivated, but he becomes all deer-in-the-headlights panicky and then only helps in the ever-so-slightest way.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

It really sounds like the dynamic between the two of you is not healthy. There is something holding you back from empathizing with him. He triggers you in some way, possibly related to your childhood. Have you ever gone to therapy for inner child work?

amother

Emerald

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 10:32 am

amother wrote:

You sound like you're blaming him.

You need to try to figure out how to connect with him so you're both on the same side.

Zehava

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 12:38 pm

Guys it's useless. She did the same shpiel in a previous thread. Got all this good advice but kept on complaining and ignoring what other posters were saying. She just wants to come on here and kvetch about her impossible unfair son. Who is only FIVE.
poor kid. But you won't be getting anywhere with op so don't waste your time.

Mommyg8

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 1:44 pm

amother wrote:

Three words of advice:

First, it sounds like he needs a bit of TLC at the moment, for whatever reason. He's only five. He may look big, or act big sometimes, but five year olds are still very little, and he's letting you know that he needs lots of big hugs right now.

Second, again, he's only five. He could be CAPABLE of cleaning up, but he may not always WANT to, and like every other five year old, he's human, and not always in the mood. Pressure is hard on five years olds. If you give him more leeway, and let him have a break here and there, and help him or do it yourself, you'll see he'll probably be much happier to help in the future.

Third, I have always found that compliments go much further than criticism. If you say, "wow, what a good boy" when he does do what he's supposed to, and try to limit any negative comments, you might see a change in his behavior.