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Am I in the wrong?
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 7:53 pm
My sister called my on Friday saying that she had a great idea for my parents' anniversary/my moms birthday present. She wanted us to do a group gift and pay for my parents to go away for a night and get them tickets to a show.

I am the oldest so she decided her and my other siblings who are in high school and college will pay a very minimal amount like 30 dollars each and my husband and I wil pay 120- over half the cost of this trip. When I said that this is a great idea but she needs to realize she is asking us to pay half of it, she kept saying well no you are paying 60 and your husband is paying 60. She wasnt getting that our finances are merged so it is asking us for half of the expense.

It happens to be that finances are very tight for us right now- We are both in chinuch, just moved accross the country which cost a couple thousand dollars. Insurance, a new car, school loans, yom tov traveling, dr appointments and fertility meds etc have made this month a tight one with nothing left for savings. When I told her this, she became hysterical crying and saying shes not asking a lot of us etc. When I said we could do 80 but she needs to realize the reason for this si that we have very very little left after bills this month, she hung up on me.

She then sent a text basically saying this is what everyone is paying and put me and my husband seperate so that it doesnt look like we are paying still more than everyone but instead loooks like we are paying less than her. My other siblings than each responded that they will pay more since me and and my husband arent paying what we are susposed to be.

Over yom tov, I was thinking and part of our bills for this month is us going out to eat a few times when we visit new york (since we live out of town and going out to eat is minimal here.) Its our vacation and we had been looking forward to it. Is it wrong that we are doing that and shoudl instead be using that money for this?

I am so conflicted by how I feel. I am so hurt by how this was presented to me, the lack of sensitivy when I told her our financial situation, and whether or not we are being selfish by saying we cant give more than 80. Advice needed!
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 7:56 pm
She is being unfair, manipulative, and immature. Say no. Rinse and repeat.
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Seas




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 7:57 pm
You're not wrong, your sister is. You can either explain or not, but whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it or make yourself a shmatte to get her to like you again.

No means no, and she needs to get that.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 7:59 pm
Your sister sounds like a huge brat. She doesn't get to decide on a gift and then dictate how much everyone spends. She especially doesn't get to decide that one sibling needs to pay for more then half the gift. And as for her insisting that you and your husband each need to pay separately? Wow is she a piece of work!!!

Everyone should pay the same amount. If all of the single siblings are paying $30, that's all she should be asking of you.
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rachel6543




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:00 pm
I agree with everyone else. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:17 pm
What they said.
Your sister has a lot of growing up to do. She doesn’t realize, apparently, that while her and your other siblings’ money is disposable income, theirs to spend on whatever they like, yours is actual parnassah needed to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Expenses your siblings dont have to worry about. You'd think even a kid in high school would understand that.


Last edited by zaq on Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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yehudis1056




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:19 pm
You absolutely did nothing wrong. You didn't even have to explain yourself. It's nice enough that you are willing to pay $50 more than the rest as it is. Don't sweat it.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:23 pm
I think you are right. I don't know the dynamics with your siblings, however, if this is just a one-off, I would suggest that she doesn't understand finances, particularly as family.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:31 pm
You are not wrong, she is putting you in a very uncomfortable position. Chipping in more then double everyone else is way more than you have to or should be doing.
You could explain that you and your husband are one unit you chip in as much as everyone else does. That's what we do in my family (though the kids in high school pay a little less cause they don't have a full time job)
Anyone working chips in an equal amount.
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shirachadasha




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 8:43 pm
amother wrote:


I am the oldest so she decided her and my other siblings who are in high school and college will pay a very minimal amount like 30 dollars each and my husband and I wil pay 120- over half


If you are still unsure after reading the other posts, read the bolded parts here over and over till you realize that someone else can't decide how you spend your money. She can request. She can even plead. But she can't decide. Tell her how much (if anything) you decided you will spend.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:06 pm
There's just something very childish about her request and her refusal to understand that she's asking you to bear half the cost, at a time when your finances are stretched. It's like she has this rosy idea of you as "grown up" which means rich and able to spend as you please.
Not to mention, as the "organizer" of this gift, she will somehow get the credit for arranging it, on your back.

Like the posters upthread pointed out, her income is basically disposable, while yours pays for food and rent (not to mention fertility treatments, which apart from being expensive, are draining emotionally. Any disposable income you have left should be spent on life's little treats for you and your husband, to fortify you for that process.)

I'd repeat that you and your husband are happy to chip in the 30.00 that everyone else is chipping in, and she can go back to the drawing board for a slightly less over-the-top but still meaningful present. Maybe they can pay for the show but not dinner? That's also a nice gift.

No matter what, she's got to accept boundaries and learn that no means no. This will be a valuable lesson to her when she reaches her own "grown up" years.
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RebekahsMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:22 pm
I have no idea why your husband is on the hook for a sibling gift.

I would confirm VIA GROUP TEXT what the budget is. Something like “I heard we’re each doing $30? I talked it over with (husband), and we can offer $30 each to get a better mom gift.” And if they say “oh, we’re doing $50 each” to raise your share, offer to collect it from everyone and buy the tix yourself.

I have no issue with you doing a little more. Yes, I know what young married expenses feel like. They have school expenses and likely no full time job. My issue is the sneaky way she’s trying to get you to fund 4x the gift that she is.

Good luck.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:30 pm
I still can't get over the hysterical crying that you won't do what she wants....how old is she? Even my 3 year old doesn't tantrum like that.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:31 pm
RebekahsMom wrote:
I have no idea why your husband is on the hook for a sibling gift.

I would confirm VIA GROUP TEXT what the budget is.


Once you marry in, you should be counted as a sibling. That's one thing the sister did right here. (She also gets credit for taking the initiative on the gift, though she should have asked if it was in everyone's budget.)

I agree that the discussion should be with all the siblings, and if $60 total is what you can pay, then say so and pay it. That's a totally reasonable contribution.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 9:45 pm
amother wrote:
Once you marry in, you should be counted as a sibling. That's one thing the sister did right here. (She also gets credit for taking the initiative on the gift, though she should have asked if it was in everyone's budget.)

I agree that the discussion should be with all the siblings, and if $60 total is what you can pay, then say so and pay it. That's a totally reasonable contribution.

Huh? They're one household, and op and her husband should be counted as one unit.
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purple 1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 30 2017, 10:55 pm
Amelia Bedelia wrote:
Huh? They're one household, and op and her husband should be counted as one unit.

Exactly!
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myname1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 01 2017, 12:33 am
Amelia Bedelia wrote:
Huh? They're one household, and op and her husband should be counted as one unit.


My husband has a bunch of siblings, some married and some not, and we've always splt family gifts evenly among siblngs- couples pay same amount as singles. If a couple has 10 kids, gift gets split 10 ways, regardless of which are married. If one or more can't afford that split, do a cheaper gift.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 01 2017, 2:40 am
they are manipulating you and you do not realize it. I wonder if they really convinced themselves in their own mind that the are right?
Sometimes siblings who have lots more money offer to pay for the ones who don't or pay a bit more, but that is their own initiative and not demanded by the "poorer" siblings. It is considered something extra special nice, not taken for granted.
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amother
Green


 

Post Sun, Oct 01 2017, 3:47 am
Everyone is right.
But

I kind of don't think you are going to get anywhere with an attitude of "you need to grow up, you're being manipulative" and so on. She is apparently a thoughtful sister and has set her mind on a specific and generous present. I think you would do better to treat her gently and with kindness.

"hey sis. You know it's SO kind of you to take responsibility and organize this present for mom and dad. It was such a great idea. The only trouble is- we really can't afford it. You know I did not fully realize this when I was your age. Even though we do earn a lot more than you, it's not fair to make us pay extra. And dh shouldn't have to.pay separately either. We are one unit now. You see the money that dh and I earn has to go to pay lots of expenses. Rent food electricity (list others). By the time we pay for all this stuff there is not much left.". And then ask her for a solution. Or suggest one ." Let's look at the show you picked. Perhaps if we got B reserve tickets instead of A reserve, that would save $25 a ticket. That's $50 overall. So maybe we could ALL pay $35 each and change the ticket, then we could afford it." (or some other solution) "M&D are going to LOVE this present". "thank you for organizing.". "let's find a way to make this work".

Etc
Etc....

Once the gift is sorted out then I would deal with the issue of the group text.

If she still doesn't "get it" you will obviously need to take a stronger stance.

OOC- how old is she? (I probably should have asked that first).
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 01 2017, 4:18 am
I would send back a text saying that it is not correct and that you are paying more than your share, and this is a one time event. I would rewrite the text to show you are oldest daughter paying this amount. Next oldest is paying this, etc.

I also would have opted of the gift at the first sign of conflict.
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